tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33541844843436120622024-02-07T19:13:13.390+11:00It's Not Brain ScienceThings that fall out of my head.Junteihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17532069194131326024noreply@blogger.comBlogger55125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3354184484343612062.post-69902899679956623632016-03-18T20:59:00.001+11:002016-03-18T20:59:33.821+11:00Modern First World Privilege: On Veganism and AntivaxxersI've been thinking a lot lately about specific movements that have arisen because the culture and technology of our modern first world has essentially allowed their creation. Now I'm no expert on any of these things, so contained within are my observances and opinions. Take that as you will.<br />
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The two movements I want to discuss are Veganism and Antivaxxers. One a perfectly valid life choice, one a terrible life choice.<br />
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Vegans, of course, avoid all products derived from animals as much as possible, usually for ethical reasons but sometimes also for health reasons. This generally stems from the way animals are treated in modern agricultural and manufacturing processes, especially by large businesses whose priority is often the bottom line over... well, anything else. Some vegans go so far as to say that exploiting any animal in any way is wrong, with broad definitions of 'exploiting'. Or made up definitions of 'exploiting' (I'm looking at you, PETA). Anyway, I'm not going to go into great detail, but there's certainly a range of what various vegans find morally reprehensible or not.<br />
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Look, there's definitely plenty of reason to scrutinise the practises of big businesses in regards to their treatment of animals, from animal testing to raising animals in terrible conditions and so on. I personally do care about where I get my animal products from and how those animals are treated. If at all possible, I'll make the most ethical choice available. But it isn't always possible, because as with a lot of things, making the better choice isn't always the affordable choice. Alternatives to mainstream products are both generally for smaller markets and more expensive to produce, and so nearly always cost quite a bit more. I'm happy to pay for that when I can, but I'm poor and disabled and my budget is very limited.<br />
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But I'm not even really concerned with the individual privilege of being able to afford it, because it's modern first world privilege that means this lifestyle is even <i>available</i>.<br />
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Veganism can only sustainably exist in our modern world because we have access to a wide variety of foods all year round and we don't absolutely <i>need</i> animal products anymore to survive. This also includes having alternatives to leather, hooves for glue and gelatine, fur for warmth, etc. But this wasn't true for the vast majority of human history. Without animals and the technology they inspired or allowed us to create, we would not have the modern world as it exists today. Farming and animals that were able to be domesticated for various uses were essential in creating the building blocks of modern civilisation. (CGP Grey, who runs a fun and informative YouTube channel, touches on this idea in his <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JEYh5WACqEk" target="_blank">Americapox</a> video about why Europeans brought horrible diseases to the Americas but not vice versa.)<br />
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We would not be here to discuss the morality of using animals for our own means without doing this exact thing for thousands of years.<br />
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And that's what I mean by privilege. It's a privilege to have advanced to the point where we <i>can</i> have this discussion. And I'm not implying it's one we shouldn't have. We probably should. But it's also why people, me among them, get annoyed by the most moralistic preachers of the vegan lifestyle. There's a common statement they make that it is 'morally wrong' to eat meat, full stop. Well, for one, I don't believe <i>any</i> food carries any sort of moral weight, nor should it (because moralising food leads to a lot of problems we see in our current culture and not to healthier populations). But also <i>we are animals as well</i>, and if it's not absolutely wrong for other animals to be carnivores or omnivores, it's not absolutely wrong for us either. And again, there's the simple fact that animals and the way we've used and consumed them has brought us to this point in history. It wasn't morally wrong for our ancestors to find ways to survive that have meant we are alive <i>now.</i><br />
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There are legitimate arguments to be made about the ethics, health, and ecological concerns of overconsumption of meat and how much we should really be eating given that we do have the privilege to avoid it. And being vegan is, as I said, a perfectly reasonable lifestyle choice if that matches best with the role food plays in your life. There is no real right or wrong side here. But I think it's important to acknowledge it for the privilege that it is, whether or not you are vegan yourself.<br />
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And that long-winded explanation brings us to Antivaxxers, a touchy subject at the best of times. Well, in this case, there <i>is</i> a right and wrong side to be on, because the public health effects of not vaccinating your children can be devastating, as we are beginning to see with various outbreaks becoming more and more common. Not to mention the moral and ethical repercussions of forcing this choice on your child, who can't consent one way or another to something that could have lethal consequences.<br />
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This is where the privilege of the modern first world world is most evident, in that vaccines are SO effective that we have a whole movement of people who believe they aren't necessary or are even dangerous.<br />
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I mean, think about that for a second. Really consider what's happening here. Through science and modern medicine, we have controlled or essentially eliminated a whole host of debilitating, and sometimes lethal, diseases. People around my age have probably never known someone who had measles or polio or whooping cough growing up, turning them into these mythical things that happened to people Before Now. But they don't happen anymore, right? We're past all that. Then you add in a spurious study about how vaccines are linked to autism (which has been both disproved AND the original study condemned for falsifying data), but it's put this fear into people's minds, one that simply will not go away.<br />
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Out of context, yes, the idea of injecting a bunch of strange liquids into young children <i>does</i> sound pretty horrific. And only scientists could really explain to you what exactly is in vaccines and how they work. Most people could probably understand a general explanation, if they wanted to, but science alone seems to not be enough to change antivaxxer's minds.<br />
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Obviously, other things are at play here which also tie into first world privilege, like the idea that natural is <i>always</i> better than things made in a lab, no matter if they are chemically identical or not. Also a distrust of capitalism and large corporations and things like that, which isn't entirely unreasonable. There's this culture of 'back to basics' and being 'in touch with nature' and rejecting the modern world which all contribute to this ardent belief that <i>something</i> is wrong about vaccines. And this belief is religious-like in nature, which people cling to beyond all sense or reason. How we combat that is something that still needs to be figured out.<br />
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But essentially, it's a privilege to be able to think that vaccines are unnecessary or dangerous. It's a privilege created by having such a successful modern society. Ask the generation before mine, or especially the generation before that, and they can tell you firsthand how devastating some of these diseases can be and why it's so amazing that we've managed to suppress quite a lot of them.<br />
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There was a time in human history where children dying of illness was common and contributed (in some ways) to a larger family size because the more you had, the more likely at least some of them would survive into adulthood. Our way to deal with horrific disease was procreating a whole lot and hoping the numbers would pan out in the end. It's kind of amazing we found our way past that and into a time where even the idea of perpetuating the survival of the human race this way seems ridiculous. We're so good at surviving now that overpopulation is a real concern. It's a bit mind-blowing when you consider the full context of how we got to this point.<br />
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The takeaway from all this, I think, is that sometimes the unique problems that arise from our current point in history are good problems to have (lots of food choices and different ways to eat!), and others (resurgence of lethal diseases...) not so much. I'm sure someone somewhere is doing research on this effect of the modern world. And surely this has happened before as technology has advanced over time? I feel like it must have but I haven't looked into it myself. Anyway, that's a job for a sociologist, probably.Junteihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17532069194131326024noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3354184484343612062.post-15440682574505293852015-06-27T04:32:00.000+10:002015-06-27T04:32:03.215+10:00Queer Thoughts: Thoughts on QueernessIt's nearly 3am and instead of allowing me to sleep, my brain is racing around having all sorts of thoughts and feels about all sorts of things. So, the usual. And I came to a very odd realisation.<br />
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I'm very open about my mental illness and my history of self harm, because it's important to me to do so. We can't keep breaking down the (better but still quite strong) stigma surrounding mental health unless we talk about it. So I talk about it.<br />
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But I've never completely and openly talked about my queerness in the same way, and in a lot of ways that is so much harder for me than speaking about my depression and my anxiety and even my self-harm. Which is strange, no? In general, it's more acceptable to be queer than mentally ill. The fight against physical and mental ableism has a very long way to go, and just tonight the US has declared that same sex marriage is a human right.<br />
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So maybe the news has me thinking about my sexuality. I don't exactly hide it or lie about it. (It is in my bio on this page, frex.) It doesn't define me, but it certainly is an important part of my identity. I mean, I'm pretty open about it, but at the same time I'm not. It's difficult to explain. Part of it has to do with my family and the life I left behind in California. They know (at least, I would be more surprised if they didn't) but it's not a topic of discussion. Ever. And part of it has to do with the fact I married a man. I mention having a husband and that is that, I'm just another straight lady. I don't think it's a thing to shout from the rooftops ('Hello, I just met you, and I'm married but I'm not really straight' is very difficult to work into casual conversation), but it's definitely easier to hide behind face value assumptions. For a long time, I've felt I haven't deserved my queerness because, for all intents and purposes, I appear hetero (but more on that below).<br />
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I guess if you are reading this and didn't know or realise... um hi? This is an extra official coming out?<br />
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Anyway, I was also thinking about how I recently re-read one of my absolute favourite books, <i><a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/153008.Kushiel_s_Dart" target="_blank">Kushiel's Dart</a></i> by Jacqueline Carey, and how I might write a review on what it means to me; What it meant for me as a queer young adult coming to terms with my sexuality after a conservative childhood when I first read it about a decade ago, not long after it came out. One of the core themes of the book, 'Love as thou wilt,' felt revolutionary. I'd read other queer literature (Sarah Waters comes to mind in particular), but as exciting as it was to read about girls in love, it was even more so to read about love with no categories or gender boundaries. I saw something of myself in Phedre that I'd never seen in a protagonist before then. Something we still lack in a lot of media today.<br />
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Inside and outside of the LGBT+ community, bisexuality is looked down upon. (I call myself queer for 'gender is not a binary' reasons but I identified as bi for a long time so I'm using it for simplicity's sake.) 'Pick a side.' 'You're really <insert straight/gay>, not bi.' 'Bi is a test run for being gay.' 'You're not oppressed because you can 'blend in' as hetero.' 'Bi people are twice as likely to cheat.' etc. etc. Those of us who don't fit into the neat categories of heterosexual or homosexual have heard it all before. I'd say it's almost worse within the queer community sometimes, and I've seen a lot of angry tumblr posts about 'BI PPL DON'T BRING YOUR HETERO PARTNER TO PRIDE CAUSE IT'S NOT FOR YOU' which makes me conclude that we haven't come very far, either. It's why I spent a good amount of time before getting married as a 'lesbian', cause it was just simpler and easier all around. Marrying a cis man kind of put the brakes on that, and after that I felt ashamed to be one of those queer people who have the advantage of 'blending in'. So I've spent all that time mostly doing just that.<br />
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I'm not magically straight now that I'm married. I'm not any less queer than I was before. But I've let a lot of stigma silence me into complacency. I know I was essentially excluding myself, but I've felt that the queer community was not <i>my</i> community since my marriage. And maybe those tumblr posts have struck a nerve, because I've let myself be silent for too long. It may feel powerful for LGBT+ folk to exclude others after they've been excluded from so much for such a long time, but that doesn't make it okay. Biphobia is just as bigoted as homophobia and transphobia (another thing the queer community needs to work on, to be fair). (I've seen some other vile bi-hate in the form of 'if you haven't had sex with the same sex, you aren't really queer so don't come to pride' also. ugh.)<br />
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Yeah, I've benefited from heterosexual privilege. That's a given. I will acknowledge my privilege all day long, but I'm tired of being ashamed of it. And I won't stand for hatred in what should be my community also. My queerness is just as valid as anyone else.<br />
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So, this is me (terrified and sleep-deprived) talking about it. Just as I talk about my mental illness, stigma be damned.Junteihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17532069194131326024noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3354184484343612062.post-60689504655211234602014-11-05T03:27:00.000+11:002014-11-05T03:27:50.201+11:00I Am TiredI'm tired of the roller coaster ride of emotions that is my life. But there's also not much I can DO about it. I have mental illness. I am mentally ill. This is it for me. I can improve things, of course, but there's no fix or cure. I'm beholden to the whims of my mind for better or for worse for the rest of my life.<br />
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I've actually been doing really well over the past couple months. I finished up my one uni class this semester and I think I have a good shot at getting an HD (that's an A equivalent for you Yanks.. only it's way harder to get HDs than As cause Aussies are serious about this education stuff). I've been doing tons of writing and involving myself in various projects and learning and reading and more writing. It's really fun and I enjoy it. I've already seen a lot of improvement and I'm only going to keep getting better with effort. The second draft of the novel is also making good progress, and I'm weaving this crazy plot stuff together like a pro (hahahah not really, I have no idea what I'm doing... but I will get there).<br />
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It's not perfect, cause I'm still physically ill a lot and have no answers yet. I don't know that I ever will have answers, or if I'm just going to have to wait until medicine gets good enough to figure this out. I also went through a brain med change, which is... well, if you've done it, you know. It's basically the worst thing.<br />
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Still, I've been overall really good considering just how AWFUL things were earlier this year. And when I'm good, I'm really really good. Like, I have forgotten what that depression thing even is and everything is yay and I can do anything! Well, anything within reason given my sickness and anxiety, but still... it's nice to have a really short-term emotional memory when I'm in Up phase. It's GREAT.<br />
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But it makes the Down swings a lot harder to deal with. I almost preferred when everything was all terrible and difficult and I was miserable and angry all the time (no, not really), but there's much less of a fall when you're already down in the gutter. Y'know?<br />
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I pushed myself a bit too much just before my Final Exam this semester, and I ended up fatigued and sleeping through a couple of days instead of studying. Then there was Stress and frantic study and panic about doing well on the exam. And though I was relieved when it was over, the next day I had a horrible flare up of pain and could barely move. And after that I spent about five days battling a constant migraine and the pain off and on. It only just let up late last night, and I'm starting to feel slightly functional again.<br />
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Still, with physical illness flare, my mood decided to drop Down Down Down... deep into a really bad depression hole. Didn't matter all the stuff I'd been accomplishing, and all the effort I've been putting into everything, I was pretty certain that I would never feel okay again. Or, at least, it didn't matter how good I was or for how long, because I know that those downward swings are ALWAYS going to happen. They come whether I want them to or not, and suck out every bit of anything good in my life. I knew it was the depression painting everything grey, and I knew it was temporary (it's always temporary), but I didn't know how long it would stick around THIS time. It could be thankfully short like it was, or it could be months. And in the midst of depression, my short-term emotional memory works against me, because I can't remember being happy or what it's like thinking things will ever be okay or anything positive.<br />
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Tonight, I'm back to my "normal" self. (I dunno that I have a normal, to be honest. I don't really do in between.) I'm writing and bouncing around to music and back to focusing on all the things I need to do to keep getting my life together, as if I wasn't horribly depressed up to 24 hours ago. Soon, I'll forget just how drained and miserable and hopeless I was last week.<br />
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It's tiring, all the up and down. If I talked to my GP about it, there might be other meds I could try to help, but I'm also terrified of going the other way and evening things out so far that I just become numb. I'm also scared of those inevitable Downs. It's not a very safe space for me to be in for very long. Do I continue to hope that I am lucky and they stay short?<br />
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I dunno. There are no easy answers. There never are when it comes to mental illness. For now, I'm okay and I'm tired.Junteihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17532069194131326024noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3354184484343612062.post-51452057614446167832014-09-28T11:43:00.002+10:002014-09-28T11:43:59.364+10:00Speak The Truth Even If Your Voice ShakesThe thing that still angers me the most, that still hurts the most, is how he took my anxieties, my fears and my trust especially, and he turned them into weapons. "You are too dependent." He said it so many times and with so much confidence, it had to be true. Didn't it?<br />
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He said he cared. He <i>showed</i> he cared, until that moment he realised he didn't have to anymore. I trusted him. I gave him one of the most precious things I have to give. Trust that my well-being meant as much to him as it did me. Trust there was no venom behind his words and actions. Trust at all, because I can count the people who have truly earned it, unquestioning, on one hand; and only one even lives in the same city as me. And I don't mean "Here's $50 pay me back when you can" trust. Or "Please take care of my cat for a week" trust. Or even "I'm drunk, please ensure I get home unharmed and unscathed" trust. This is "My life is literally in your hands" trust. Because it was. To allow someone to support you fully in your mental illness is to hand them your ability to survive.<br />
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And he turned it into something vile, a poison to eat away at me from the inside out. A dagger sunk deep into my heart and twisted with a grin. I handed him the keys to my own destruction, and the change was instantaneous, like a venus fly trap snapped shut to capture its prey. Had he literally stabbed me in the back, it would have hurt far less.<br />
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The thing is, I never asked anything of him. At least, nothing he hadn't already proved over and over he was willing to give. But it was too late. Once the cage slammed down, there was no acceptable level of expectation. It was a trick, and it always was intended to be. Asking for anything, even the tiniest level of consideration, was always going to be too much. What I wanted, what I needed; it all ceased to exist.<br />
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He rode in, your stereotypical knight in shining armour, and gave me far more than I would dare to ask of anyone. But also not too much. If you're too willing, too helpful, the scales tip the other way and motivations come into question. No, he knew the perfect balance. Always more than I expected but never so much I grew suspicious, either. He tested my boundaries, subtle little aggressions which were easily brushed aside by an anxious mind trained to stop believing the worst about everyone and everything. Eating all but one of a snack I shared with him, just to see if I would complain. "Forgetting" to mention to me that the thing we planned together with friends was actually happening, to see if I'd protest at being left out of my own social gathering. So many little pushes here and there, trying to find out when he'd finally go too far. Swallowing down his good intentions, the boundary lines kept contracting further, inward and inward again, until there was nowhere left to go.<br />
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And so, I was caught in his web of honeyed lies. And once caught, that I gave him the thing he worked so hard to earn, my trust, became the basis of everything I was doing wrong. I relied on him, and suddenly attempts at contact would go unanswered. Suddenly, the white knight was overwhelmed and nowhere to be found. I pointed out he was hurting me, and I was expecting too much, I was dependant, and too broken for anyone to cope with. I gave him solid boundaries and guidelines to avoid triggering my anxiety, and these were promptly ignored. He wanted me anxious. Anxiety breeds fear, which in turn breeds compliance. Fear of scaring away my one source of support (after he had pushed me away from all others), and the fear that he was right, that I <i>was</i> too broken. The push was an easy one once he had my trust, because they are the constant plague of the mentally ill, that we would lose everyone and everything from something beyond our control.<br />
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I handed him the very thing that would be my undoing. Well, nearly. It took him messing with the already-delicate inner workings of my mind, pushing me to the brink of giving it all up, for me to say enough was enough. Finally, the one boundary I was unwilling to give up. That one little voice in my mind that keeps me going when every fibre of my being tells me not to, that thread of strength I rarely realise I have inside that forces me to survive. He was destroying me from the inside out, and I knew it had to stop.<br />
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And I was angry. It was a pure rage. To let him get so far, to give up so much to cling to something so deadly, to lose all sense of my worth as a person deserving of the most basic respect. I was so very angry, and I still am. Even that rage has been turned against me, proof that I am the one wrong, the one causing harm. To feel so deeply lessens your worth, and in a world run by power-hungry abusive controllers, we see this to be true. To not feel is a privilege, the domain of those with the ability to crush others under their heel without consequence. Anger is where the rest of us live, and it gives us strength and clarity to finally resist. That's why anger is wrong. That's why its condemned. Anger is power. Anger is revolution.<br />
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I am hurting. And I am angry. I am a threat, and as long as I continue to speak truth without fear, I always will be. That my focus has a specific He and Me is irrelevant. There are 'He's and 'Me's all over. Mine is a story told over and over, in so many places, in so many ways. We are angry and unafraid to speak. Tear us down. Call us crazy. Try to destroy us, if you can.<br />
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We know you are watching. We know you are afraid. We have the weapons, the truth, the daggers, the power, now, and we will never stop.Junteihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17532069194131326024noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3354184484343612062.post-65655545459702461482014-09-20T02:45:00.000+10:002014-09-20T02:45:40.928+10:00More Context and Talking About Difficult ThingsThis is a thing I've been meaning to post about for a while now, but it's difficult to discuss. Yes, I know I'm super TMI a lot on my internet public spaces but even I have things I don't like to talk about sometimes. :P But I think this will help provide even more context to some of what's happened in my life over the past year.<br />
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I've mentioned how a) intentions don't matter and that actions can be classified as abuse regardless and b) I feel that some of the ways my husband treated me were abusive. It might seem weird that what happened with... ok, I really hate continuing to refer to him as a 'friend' so we're going to go with Jerkface... So yes, it might seem weird that what happened with Jerkface blew up in ridiculous and public ways and I pretty much would prefer he would stop existing (*bink* just gone.. nothing violent, I just wish one of those sci-fi time travelling things where you could erase someone would happen), and that I'm still good friends with the Husband and I still love him. How can I call both men guilty of abuse and condemn one and not the other? From the outside, it does seem hypocritical, but it's not like issues of abuse are EVER black and white. On the other hand, I find it hypocritical that I've mentioned that I feel that Husband abused me and people nodded in solemn and sympathetic agreement, but many of these same people went out of their way to justify Jerkface's behaviour and argue against my anger at him for mistreating me in blatant and damaging ways. So, y'know, whatever.<br />
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Intentions don't matter when categorising behaviour as abuse, but the attitude of the abuser towards the abused DOES matter. A lot. I haven't discussed the specifics of Husband's behaviour, because it's difficult and also it's not that important. I believe that he truly loves me and cares about how he affects me and, most importantly, is truly regretful of the ways he's hurt me. In essence, I believe the abuse was, for all intents and purposes, accidental. That doesn't make it less <i>harmful</i>, and my decision to separate and give myself space from the Husband was absolutely the correct one. Where things will go from here, I don't really know yet, but I won't condemn him as a bad person because I know deep down that he isn't. He can be careless and thoughtless. He can think he's doing the correct thing in a situation when he isn't. And he can find it difficult to admit he's wrong. But I've known him for nearly a decade and a half, and for much of that we've been in a relationship together. I probably know him better than anyone else. That he truly loves me and cares about my wellbeing has never been in doubt.<br />
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Maybe I'm wrong, but I don't think I am. The difference between how Jerkface and the Husband made me feel overall is massive. Jerkface spouted a lot of things to placate me, said all the right words and then did things to hurt or provoke me anyway. He didn't care how he affected me at all, only that I was complacent under his control. When I wasn't complacent, I was punished. There was no regret, no real care about my wellbeing, only blame, manipulation and control. If there WAS regret at his actions and how they affected me, it was never expressed TO me. And that's why others have a hard time believing his intentions were anything but good. Because he said all the right things to them so they would accept he was just trying to do right by me, that he was trying to be a "good friend" but just didn't know how (bull fucking shit). But the fact that he never, ever would say sorry or take responsibility for how he made me feel to my face is damning in and of itself. I had to pull teeth to even get him to admit he "felt bad" that he hurt me in between all the guilt, blame shifting, and everything else. I was never a person to him. I was a thing, a toy that he could mindfuck to make him feel better about himself. I know this to be true. I will never accept his actions as accidental. I will never be okay that anyone else does. And I definitely will never stop being angry at anyone who believes he's a worthwhile person to have in their life. I don't have to be, cause I don't have to forgive anyone who would treat me that way and anyone else who enabled his behaviour in any way at all.<br />
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But I'm getting ranty and off point. So, why do I feel the Husband behaved abusively towards me?<br />
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Because his anger and frustration were often directed at me in ways that were unjustified, so that I have felt the need to just appease him so he calms or shut up and apologise so he'd stop. This was never physical, just verbal, but it was at its worst just before and just after the separation. It's one of the main reasons I had to leave.<br />
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Because he often phrases things in passive aggressive ways designed to make me feel bad. "YOU left ME so yadda yadda guilt guilt guilt." I think we all are guilty of this behaviour in some ways sometimes. I know I am. I'm not saying this in and of itself is damning. It's childish mostly, but also it's a strongly repeated behaviour on the Husband's part and still can be. I tolerate it less than I used to, and call it out if I can.<br />
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Because it felt like his behaviour and mood always worsened the more I became functional and independent, as if his role as my support was being threatened and I had to stay sick so he could continue to take care of me. I was always being dragged back down into my mental illness. I think this is something I've discussed here before, but my psychologist had to make me see why this was problematic and why she describes our relationship as codependent.<br />
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And because I feel that some of the ways he treated me "for my own good" helped me stay feeling "crazy and out of control". Such as physically restraining me so I wouldn't self-harm. It took hanging out in spaces on the internet for those of us who are neuroatypical and have experienced abuse to realise that this really isn't okay. And it's still the most difficult thing for me to discuss.<br />
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My real point with all this is simply that I've experienced a lot of abuse between the Husband and Jerkface, and that allows me to compare and contrast intention, attitude, and amount of harm caused in a lot of ways that no one else but me really can. I don't hate the husband and I'm not angry at him. Treating someone badly sometimes doesn't make you an irredeemable piece of shit automatically, and that I still want the Husband in my life makes sense to me, even if for now we also need a lot of space and time from one another.<br />
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When you've seen the intensity of my anger towards Jerkface and anyone who's defended him and see that I am STILL extremely angry and STILL hurting all the time, understand there's a lot of rational context surrounding it. I'm an emotional person. I'm often giving in to my emotional whims. But that doesn't make me wrong to be angry nor irrational in my hatred of someone who deserves it. I'm not "hanging on" to my emotions, nor am I refusing to move forward. If anything, I've done nothing BUT move forward from the utterly disgusting shit I had to deal with earlier this year. I am healing, though it will continue to take time. But I refuse to let go of anger that I feel is wholly justified.<br />
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I've said it before, and I'll say it again: Emotions have no moral value, and to judge others for their emotions is a privilege. If my anger makes you uncomfortable in any way, you are the one who needs to figure out why and rethink things.Junteihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17532069194131326024noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3354184484343612062.post-26675332248984539312014-09-08T20:59:00.000+10:002014-09-08T20:59:57.644+10:00A RequestI am done. DONE. That the same people who see through the disgusting BS of the #GamerGate men could accept and defend the person who abused me is just too much. Hypocrisy at its best. It can't be wrong if it's MY friend.<br />
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I am so angry. I am angry all the time still, though usually I ignore it and y'know.. get the fuck on with my life.<br />
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Right now I am just angry angry angry.<br />
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So, do me a favour:<br />
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Read my Storify <a href="https://storify.com/juntei/manipulative-discussion-techniques" target="_blank">here</a> where I pick apart some of the manipulative discussion techniques of the #GamerGate assholes.<br />
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Read my post <a href="http://juntei.blogspot.com.au/2014/09/so-here-is-thing-abuse-and-men-of.html" target="_blank">here</a> on why #GamerGate is abuse.<br />
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Read <a href="http://juntei.blogspot.com.au/2014/07/breaking-things-down-part-1.html" target="_blank">here</a> where I give some of the emails from my abuser similar treatment.<br />
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And <a href="http://juntei.blogspot.com.au/2014/06/the-bottom-line-trigger-warning-for.html" target="_blank">here</a> which really sums up the only thing that matters whether I can "prove" its abuse or not.<br />
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And everything else on this blog to do with the asshole who treated me badly.<br />
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Take all that and shove it in the face of everyone still friends with my abuser and if they STILL insist he did nothing wrong, tell them to SAY IT TO MY FACE.<br />
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And I will happily explain to them all why they are hypocritical enablers. I yell less offline, so I might even do it nicely, too. But I make no guarantees. Niceness is reserved for those who deserve it.Junteihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17532069194131326024noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3354184484343612062.post-91009375644179271432014-09-05T22:28:00.001+10:002014-09-05T22:28:52.460+10:00Anxiety: A Story
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Today, I needed to go to the shops and purchase a bus ticket, because my current one was going to run out. I was 98.7% sure that the shop I was heading to sold bus tickets. In fact, the idea that they wouldn’t sell bus tickets is almost absurd, especially as I’d looked up on the transport website at some point and seen that they are listed as a ticket retailer.<div>
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Walking into the shop, I looked around for a sign to reassure me that they did, indeed, sell tickets, but there wasn’t one anywhere I could see. Panic began to set in. I went to grab a water bottle first, as that was my other goal of this shop visit, and tried to decide what I would do about the situation. Here is where most people would ask the probably very nice woman behind the counter if the shop sold tickets or not, and of course I thought of that. It’s not that I didn’t realise that not only was that the fastest and most direct solution to my problem, but also that it would likely result in me purchasing the ticket I needed, because the chance they sold them was extremely high. We are talking 1.3% here.</div>
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But to someone with anxiety, it doesn’t matter how large or small that gap is between not being sure and being 100% absolutely certain you know what is going on, because 1.3% or 64% chance you are wrong is still <i>a chance</i>. Any chance something will not go exactly as you planned or predicted is enough of a crack for your anxiety to get in there and begin the rapid descent into dizzying panic. You go from walking into a shop fairly confidently to "Quick, run through all possible scenarios as to how this shop visit will now turn out" in the matter of mere seconds.</div>
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I decided to wander the aisles towards the back of the small store while my brain began its routine calculation of outcomes.</div>
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Some days, I am able to push the ridiculous amount of panic out of my mind long enough to force myself to do the easiest and most obvious solution, despite the fact that it's also the one that involves the most amount of variables and therefore causes me the most amount of stress. On those days, I have enough sense to realise that this is the most likely way to reach my goal and the chance of something going wrong that I haven't accounted for is so small that it is nigh on impossible. On those days, I leave shops happy and proud of myself for doing a thing my brain was screaming at me not to do.</div>
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Other days, the panic is just more than I'm able to handle and the thought of making myself do something with even the tiniest chance of an unpredictable result makes my brain freeze up and my heart pound and I go into "deer in headlights" mode. (Recently, I've learned that my "deer in headlights" mode is a form of disassociation, where I detach myself from my sense of reality because I'm finding it too overwhelming. Well. No wonder accomplishing things sometimes is just plain difficult!) On these days, I will wander aimlessly, pretending to intently study the products on the shelves, while in fact I am using all of my brain power to problem solve for a resolution to my situation that I'm able to handle at that given moment. Those days are the ones I generally leave shops angry and disappointed at myself, sometimes with and sometimes without the thing I intended to get.</div>
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Well, today was a spectacular failure in terms of coping with my anxiety. After a small amount of wandering, I decided that I didn't want to put back the water bottle and leave the shop to regroup and possibly purchase the ticket elsewhere (also scary for embarrassment reasons). I also didn't have cash, so I couldn't simply purchase the water bottle on its own with EFTPOS (that's a debit/credit card machine to you non-Australians), as there was a $10 minimum. So, the only solution I could stand the thought of was to find more things to buy and hope I worked up the nerve to ask the shop assistant about tickets when I went up to the counter.</div>
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No, I didn't work up the nerve as I'd hoped. I did, however, leave the shop after purchasing the water bottle and two large blocks of chocolate to ensure I was safely getting over $10 worth of items.</div>
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And I hated myself immediately upon stepping outside. But I did learn that crippling anxiety can sometimes have the positive side effect of leaving a shop with a LOT of chocolate.</div>
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(I did manage to get a bus ticket much later in the day after taking care of other things I needed to do, and getting cash out of an ATM and then braving a newsagent ALSO without signs. But newsagents not selling bus tickets would be even more absurd than my local shop not selling them. An awkward but painless interaction with a lady who was very trusting of my concession status ensued, and I felt dumb afterwards, BUT I had a bus ticket. Success at last.)</div>
Junteihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17532069194131326024noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3354184484343612062.post-61778862960992453822014-09-03T03:04:00.000+10:002014-09-03T03:04:34.181+10:00So, Here Is A Thing...: Abuse and the Men of #GamerGateYou may or may not know about the huge divide and other things going on in the gaming world at the moment. I do, because I like that sort of thing, but all you really need to know is that women are being attacked for talking about things as women, and men are trying to make it all about themselves.<div>
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Basic sexist bullshit.</div>
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Anyway, so there are the really disgusting harassers who are sending rape threats and doxxing women and scaring them out of their homes, right? Everyone agrees these are really terrible people, just like everyone agrees physical abuse and rape are bad. We don't know who these terrible people are, and they're certainly not US, but we all agree it is a Bad Thing. (Or we accuse the women of making up the harassment to play the victim, which is probably a good sign you or someone you know is doing the harassing. Just saying.)</div>
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On the other hand, there are a bunch of #GamerGate dudes who are distancing themselves from the /really/ awful people and are not misogynists, not even one little bit. They are the "cool-headed, rational" men who are fighting the good fight against "corruption" in the games journalism world. They want inclusion, really, but all the fun-hating Social Justice Warriors are trying to take away everything that is Good and Fun in games and ruin it for everyone. Or something. I don't really care enough to entirely understand what they are arguing, because it is a whole lot of justification and distraction from the real issue of sexism and misogyny because their privilege is being threatened. But they are clearly the ones being attacked, because people are all angry at them for some reason they can't understand and they are just trying to have an emotionless, rational discussion about what big babies they are that video games aren't a men's hobby anymore. You know the drill. "I'm trying to have a constructive argument here but you keep yelling at me because I'm saying really disgusting, hurtful things. Wah me."</div>
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My point is that they may not be the really, really awful ones actually making threats against women (though, I'm going to guess many of them are if they think they can get away with it), but it still reeks of abuser dynamics and so much bullshit.</div>
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Every time I see any conversation with one of the #GamerGate men, all I can think about is the friend who abused me telling me how "dependent" I was on him and how "problematic" it was for both of us. How I was in denial, and "violently so", when I disagreed with him (gee, maybe I was angry he was attacking me, no matter how subtle?). This idea that cool, distant rationality trumps all in any argument IS abuser dynamics 101. It is always used by people in positions of privilege and power to shut down any argument they don't like and direct attention to what they feel is the "real problem" we should be addressing.</div>
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Gamers are turning the spotlight away from the violent harassment of women and onto "journalistic corruption", because it serves their purposes to do so, their purpose being to protect their privilege and justify treating women as less than human. It puts people on the defensive, having to expend effort explaining why corruption ISN'T an issue, instead of continuing to put the responsibility of the disgusting behaviour where it belongs: on men in the gaming scene.</div>
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In my case, I was the "real problem", and putting me on the defensive meant I couldn't continue to try and hold him responsible for treating me like shit. I've stated it all before on this blog, so I won't hash it all out again. But it doesn't matter if he "truly" believed he was right or not. It doesn't matter at all if Gamers think they are honestly fighting against some sort of imagined corruption in games journalism. </div>
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What DOES matter is that my friend's actions were abusive and harmful towards me. What DOES matter is that women are being abused and harmed by a section of the gaming community, no matter how large or small.</div>
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If anyone at all tries to distract from harm in any way, that is WRONG. And distracting from harm only ever benefits those perpetuating it.</div>
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The idea that emotional reactions to things makes you a bad person in some way is societal abuse culture, and it especially helps those who have the power and privilege to be able to react in an emotionless way. It is used to silence and oppress. It never, ever makes an argument more correct than anyone else's.</div>
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Most everyone I know agrees that the #GamerGate men are terrible people trying to frame a terrible argument in a way that others will swallow. They agree they are wrong.</div>
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So, why is it so hard to convince many of these same people that what I actually experienced was abuse? (Abuse that you will be hard pressed to make my abusive friend ever be sorry about, at that.)</div>
Junteihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17532069194131326024noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3354184484343612062.post-9087420490792547702014-08-13T03:45:00.000+10:002014-08-13T05:27:06.899+10:00A Few Words on Depression and Robin Williams (tw: Suicide)It's been a really rough day to be on the internet. I'm glad this is opening up discussion of depression and mental illness. It's important to understand that this illness affects all of us in so many ways, whether you suffer from it or not. We need to talk about it and keep talking until the stigma surrounding mental illness finally falls away. And there are lots of great and amazing people out there saying a lot of things a lot better than I can, but I'm hoping getting some of these thoughts out can get them out of my head... because it's especially rough on those of us who can sympathise a bit too well.<br />
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Last year while at work, we were discussing the trains being late because someone had killed themselves and caused a delay. Most of the talk was respectful, at least (cause I've heard some really awful things about it being selfish to ruin everyone else's day by affecting transport, etc... ). What stuck with me, though, was someone saying, "I just don't understand it. I don't understand wanting to end your own life."<br />
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I didn't say anything, of course, but my immediate thought was, "I do." I don't know why I didn't realise it before then, but I finally understood just HOW different my mind was to everyone else's. Like, you mean not everyone fantasises about death and oblivion and the myriad ways you could end it at every given moment? That's my Thursday night. And Friday night. And every other night. I mean, last year was particularly tough for me, so my brain was in a bad place all the time, definitely. But to know, to really know the bleak depths that swallow you up, that desperate desire for everything to simply stop no matter what, the pain that feels as if it will never, ever end... to have your brain sap you of any and everything remotely good and replace it with darkness you can't see your way out of... even words don't quite do it justice, but every one of my fellow suffers of depression - they know it intimately.<br />
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Many of us didn't know Robin Williams by anything other than his work, but all of us with depression know exactly how he felt, and probably, like me, are a tiny bit jealous his fight is over. And that's why the internet has been a bit of a dangerous place for us today. Not that I'm in crisis or anything, but I have been avoiding being online too much, because that place in my mind is never too far away. (And if you, like me, have been triggered at all... please, do whatever you need to take care of yourself right now.)<br />
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But while the world screams tragedy over his death, I think it's important to not view it as such. Celebrate his life. Rewatch the many, many amazing and touching movies he's made throughout his career. Mourn him, but do not pity him. He wasn't weak nor was he selfish for finally succumbing to his illness. Just the opposite. He fought this darkness inside of him every single day for 63 years. 63 years! I'm barely halfway there, and I think that is a bit of a miracle. And in those 63 years, he has a massive body of work that has touched so many lives and we're all better for it. If I make it that long and I leave even a fraction of his legacy behind, I will feel like I've done something with my time here.<br />
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And that's why discussing depression is so important. It is silent and it is deadly. Unfortunately, it still wins far too often, but we only ever hear about it when happens to someone famous. Suicide rates are upsettingly high, and still so many are terrified to admit they suffer from mental illness and get help... because it's not discussed, or discussed in whispers, and we dismiss violent criminals as crazy, we dismiss victims of abuse as crazy, we dismiss a lot of things we don't like or understand that way. And depression already makes you feel alone and isolated and an outsider, and the stigma around it means that feeling is only intensified.<br />
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So, talk about it. Ask your friends if they're okay. Ask them especially if you suspect at all that they're not, and hope they trust you enough to give an honest answer. Listen without judgement to everyone around you, especially if they come to you for help. You don't have to understand, but you do have to listen honestly and openly. Don't freak out if what they tell you is scary. It is scary, but don't make it about your feelings, make it about theirs and whatever they need to get the right sort of help. And make sure your loved ones know how much you care. Tell them even if you're sure they know. Tell them over and over, because you never know when the right word at the right time might save a life.<br />
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<div style="background-color: white; color: #252525; font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 22.399999618530273px; margin-bottom: 0.5em; margin-top: 0.5em;">
<i> O Captain! My Captain! our fearful trip is done;</i><br />
<i> </i><i>The ship has weather'd every rack, the prize we sought is won;</i><br />
<i> </i><i>The port is near, the bells I hear, the people all exulting,</i><br />
<i> </i><i>While follow eyes the steady keel, the vessel grim and daring:</i></div>
<dl style="background-color: white; color: #252525; font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 22.399999618530273px; margin-bottom: 0.5em; margin-top: 0.2em;"><i> </i><i style="line-height: 1.6;">But O heart! heart! heart!</i><dd style="line-height: 1.6; margin-bottom: 0.1em; margin-left: 1.6em; margin-right: 0px;">
<dl style="margin-bottom: 0.5em; margin-top: 0.2em;"><i> </i><i style="line-height: 1.6;">O the bleeding drops of red,</i><dd style="line-height: 1.6; margin-bottom: 0.1em; margin-left: 1.6em; margin-right: 0px;">
<dl style="margin-bottom: 0.5em; margin-top: 0.2em;"><i> </i><i style="line-height: 1.6;">Where on the deck my Captain lies,</i><dd style="line-height: 1.6; margin-bottom: 0.1em; margin-left: 1.6em; margin-right: 0px;">
<dl style="margin-bottom: 0.5em; margin-top: 0.2em;"><i> </i><i style="line-height: 1.6;">Fallen cold and dead.</i></dl>
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<div style="background-color: white; color: #252525; font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 22.399999618530273px; margin-bottom: 0.5em; margin-top: 0.5em;">
<i style="background-color: transparent;"> </i><i>O Captain! My Captain! rise up and hear the bells;</i><br />
<i> </i><i>Rise up—for you the flag is flung—for you the bugle trills;</i><br />
<i> </i><i>For you bouquets and ribbon'd wreaths—for you the shores a-crowding;</i><br />
<i> </i><i>For you they call, the swaying mass, their eager faces turning;</i></div>
<dl style="background-color: white; color: #252525; font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 22.399999618530273px; margin-bottom: 0.5em; margin-top: 0.2em;"><i> </i><i style="line-height: 1.6;">Here captain! dear father!</i><dd style="line-height: 1.6; margin-bottom: 0.1em; margin-left: 1.6em; margin-right: 0px;">
<dl style="margin-bottom: 0.5em; margin-top: 0.2em;"><i> </i><i style="line-height: 1.6;">This arm beneath your head;</i><dd style="line-height: 1.6; margin-bottom: 0.1em; margin-left: 1.6em; margin-right: 0px;">
<dl style="margin-bottom: 0.5em; margin-top: 0.2em;"><i> </i><i style="line-height: 1.6;">It is some dream that on the deck,</i><dd style="line-height: 1.6; margin-bottom: 0.1em; margin-left: 1.6em; margin-right: 0px;">
<dl style="margin-bottom: 0.5em; margin-top: 0.2em;"><i> </i><i style="line-height: 1.6;">You've fallen cold and dead.</i></dl>
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<div style="background-color: white; color: #252525; font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 22.399999618530273px; margin-bottom: 0.5em; margin-top: 0.5em;">
<i style="background-color: transparent;"> </i><i>My Captain does not answer, his lips are pale and still;</i><br />
<i> </i><i>My father does not feel my arm, he has no pulse nor will;</i><br />
<i> </i><i>The ship is anchor'd safe and sound, its voyage closed and done;</i><br />
<i> </i><i>From fearful trip, the victor ship, comes in with object won;</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i> </i><i style="line-height: 1.6;">Exult, O shores, and ring, O bells!</i></div>
<dl style="background-color: white; color: #252525; font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 22.399999618530273px; margin-bottom: 0.5em; margin-top: 0.2em;"><dd style="line-height: 1.6; margin-bottom: 0.1em; margin-left: 1.6em; margin-right: 0px;">
<dl style="margin-bottom: 0.5em; margin-top: 0.2em;"><i> </i><i style="line-height: 1.6;">But I, with mournful tread,</i><dd style="line-height: 1.6; margin-bottom: 0.1em; margin-left: 1.6em; margin-right: 0px;">
<dl style="margin-bottom: 0.5em; margin-top: 0.2em;"><i> </i><i style="line-height: 1.6;">Walk the deck my captain lies,</i><dd style="line-height: 1.6; margin-bottom: 0.1em; margin-left: 1.6em; margin-right: 0px;">
<dl style="margin-bottom: 0.5em; margin-top: 0.2em;"><i> </i><i style="line-height: 1.6;">Fallen cold and dead.</i><i style="line-height: 1.6;">
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<dl style="margin-bottom: 0.5em; margin-top: 0.2em;"><i style="line-height: 1.6;"><br /></i></dl>
</i><i style="line-height: 1.6;">- Walt Whitman, 1865</i></dl>
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Junteihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17532069194131326024noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3354184484343612062.post-60811919413570317422014-07-23T06:19:00.001+10:002014-07-23T06:26:13.413+10:00An Update: Still Not Totally Okay, But Also Not Not Okay?I've been having a lot of bad days. I mean, healing will take time, and it's kinda hard to cope with a lot of scary feelings that just don't want to go away. On top of that, I'm having a bad flare up of pain from whatever it is that causes it. And sleep is still difficult a lot of the time. So, the more tired and hurty I get, the harder it is to keep distracted from the scary emotions and that's when the bad days happen.<br />
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But I also have days that are pretty okay? I've been trying to keep up with my Stats class for uni this semester (I'm a tiny bit behind but I'm doing what I can so I think it'll be fine), and I've managed to keep myself busy with working on some art, which is a thing I haven't done in literally yonks. (I dunno how long a yonk is but I imagine it's pretty long.) And when I feel okay, I start wondering why I felt so terrible so much anyway. It's like I forget and go, you dummy! Lying around being miserable is dumb, don't do that anymore.<br />
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I realise that I don't really have in between moods. When I'm up, I'm like yeah, I can do this! Let's fix up the mess that is my life a bit at a time, and I get stuff done which only makes me feel even better. But when I'm down, it's waaaay down. Crying, angry, scary thoughts, and fighting hard not to self-harm down. I'm not sure I even know what those middle emotions even are. I don't know if I have always been this extreme or if all the craziness and stress of the past year has got me in a weird cycle. Or it could be the meds I'm currently on. I don't really remember what 'normal' for me is at the moment. I'm not sure I <i>have</i> a 'normal'.<br />
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I've been wondering quite a lot lately if there isn't something a bit more going on than simply depression and anxiety. I feel weird being like.. those are such garden variety mental illnesses, I'm not sure that's all there is to what makes me sick. Obviously, it's not to say that dealing with 'just' depression and anxiety isn't really difficult. But it's not like my therapist has ever really given me a diagnosis or anything, though obviously we talk about how those two things affect me a lot. I've always known I don't experience true mania the way those with Bipolar I do (I've seen its effects in both friends and family growing up), but I definitely have experienced hypomanic episodes. It's a milder form of mania, and actually looks a lot like functioning highly. It's a hallmark of Bipolar II on the bipolar spectrum, which is not really a 'lesser' form of being bipolar, just one that manifests differently than type I. And it's very hard to diagnose. Anyway, I have been meaning to talk to my psychologist about it, but I spent last session catching her up on everything that's been going on... but yeah. It wouldn't really surprise me, since manic depression runs in my family and that ups your chances of being on the spectrum pretty significantly. It's mostly important because it changes how my treatment might go. So yes, that is a thing to talk to my many lovely doctors about at some point soon.<br />
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Anyway, I realised something pretty important tonight... that despite how difficult things are right now and how terrible things have been this year, I'm actually still happier with who I am as a person more than I have been in, I dunno... forever. I don't... hate myself? Especially after the insane spiral down into guilt and self-destruction that happened while my friend was abusing me, it's a pretty noticeable difference now that I feel more free and less weighed down by really intense negative thinking. Yeah, I still deal with it on the bad days. It's a feature of my mental illness so it's not just going to go away. But even when things like "It's somehow my fault" or "I deserved it to happen to me" or whatever try to sneak into my head, I know that's my brain just being irrational. I can kinda talk myself out of it getting too bad, because I know realistically that I've done nothing wrong. A person treated me really badly and it still feels pretty awful a lot of the time, but that guilt I felt for SO long... well, that's mostly gone.<br />
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And I'm also kind of proud of myself overall. Not just for staying clean this long (which IS a pretty big deal of course), but that I have stood up for myself. That I recognised that something was wrong with my friendship (even though I didn't know what at the time) and that I told him enough was enough. That I have had the courage to speak out about the mistreatment, consequences be damned. (I knew it was a losing proposition from the beginning, though I didn't predict the extent he'd go to keep his reputation intact... even if now that I think back on it I should have realised.) That I had the strength to cut out a lot of people who think my abuser has done nothing wrong, because they don't deserve space in my life. That even though I acted rashly in my anger and frustration, I'm not beating myself about it. And, most importantly, that I'm still moving forward.. each tiny step at a time.<br />
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On the better days, like tonight where I'm feeling pretty okay, I realise that I'm actually tough as shit. Like really strong. I have every reason to break down into a crying blob of sadness and despair (and it happens), but it doesn't last. Every time there's a bit of light at the end of the tunnel, I grab onto it and start fighting again to get there. I've spent some time wallowing and the depression makes it a lot harder sometimes to see that the feelings will ever end. But they do, every time. I mean, I guess I've been at this a pretty long time. It's been a fact of my life that I've always had to push myself pretty hard to get anywhere. So, even on the worst days there's a tiny, tiny voice at the back of my mind that tells me, 'This too will pass.' I actually make a deal with myself not to act impulsively if I'm feeling really bad, if I want to self-harm or I have suicidal thoughts. I say, if I still feel this way in 24 hours, then I can act on these feelings. Y'know, in case this is the one time they finally don't go away. But obviously, the worst of it always passes. Always.<br />
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It's hard not to think about how scary a lot of this must sound to people who don't live this way. But this is just how things work for me? I guess? I haven't known anything else. But I'm still here. I'm still trying. I hold on to the smidgen of hope that someday this will actually get easier.<br />
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It's funny that for someone often so sad and hopeless, at my core I'm still an optimist and a bit of a dreamer. For a while, in my early 20s after my first trip to Australia where everything went kind of horribly wrong, I felt as if that part of me died... that my innocence had been forcibly stripped from me and I'd never be able to look at the world around me in the same way. As I struggled with my depression and it kept worsening, before I got into treatment, that continued to feel true, that I'd lost something I'd never get back. Slowly, slowly I've realised that isn't true. The positive, honest, passionate, and wide-eyed girl is still in there somewhere, deep beneath mental illness and the stressful struggles of my adulthood. I want to believe that the world and humanity are essentially good, that the bad ones among us are there but a minority, that if we all just try hard enough, we can accomplish nearly anything... that on a whole, karma balances everything out and tips the scales in favour of those of us just trying to get by and find some happiness in this weird existence of ours.<br />
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Obviously, it feels naive to me now, but I'm glad to know that not <i>all</i> of that is gone, destroyed by a world that's a lot more cruel and unfair than I ever wanted to believe it could be. Because I think hanging onto the part of me that wants to believe in fairy tales and happy endings is the source of my strength and resilience, not a weakness or vulnerability. Yeah, it makes me a bit of a target for people like my abuser, those who view people as things or a means to an end. But I also think he ultimately misjudged me, too. And now I've learned that much more about protecting myself from the predators, and I know what red flags to look for. I won't be taken in so easily next time.Junteihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17532069194131326024noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3354184484343612062.post-38759164995370522872014-07-23T02:43:00.000+10:002014-07-23T02:43:40.742+10:00Tactics of Manipulative Control<div class="tr_bq">
I'm posting this list on the blog because it's such a good summary. I'm stealing it from <a href="http://bad-dominicana.tumblr.com/post/19240867327/tactics-of-manipulation-control" target="_blank">this Tumblr post</a>, but the source of the information is a great book I think I've mentioned before, "In Sheep's Clothing" by George K. Simon. I experienced nearly all of these from my abuser.</div>
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<strong style="border: 0px; font-family: inherit; font-style: inherit; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">Minimizing</strong>: Turning mountains into molehills (the character disordered and/or perpetrators do this; neurotics do the opposite). He trivializes the nature of his wrong doing. He tries to convince you that you would be wrong to conclude that his behavior is as wrong as he knows you suspect.<span style="background-color: transparent;"> </span></blockquote>
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<strong style="border: 0px; font-family: inherit; font-style: inherit; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">Lying</strong>: Omission, distortion. Your abuser/manipulator will stop at nothing to get what he wants; therefore, you can and should expect him to lie. They have refined lying to an art. He will withhold a significant amount of the truth from you, or distort essential elements of the truth, to keep you in the dark. He uses smooth, calculated omissions to deceive you.<span style="background-color: transparent;"> </span></blockquote>
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<strong style="border: 0px; font-family: inherit; font-style: inherit; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">Denial</strong>: “Who Me?” He poses as the humble servant. Your aggressor refuses to admit he’s done something harmful or hurtful when he clearly has. This “Who Me?” tactic invites the victim, you, to feel unjustified in confronting the aggressor about the inappropriateness of a behavior. It’s also a way for him to give himself permission to keep right on doing what he wants to do. He uses this maneuver to get you to back off, back down or maybe even feel guilty for insinuating he’s doing something wrong.<span style="background-color: transparent;"> </span></blockquote>
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<strong style="border: 0px; font-family: inherit; font-style: inherit; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">Selective Inattention</strong>: Refusal to pay attention to anything that might distract him from pursuing his agenda. He actively ignores your warnings, pleas or wishes and refuses to pay attention to everything or anything that might distract him from going after what he wants.<span style="background-color: transparent;"> </span></blockquote>
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<strong style="border: 0px; font-family: inherit; font-style: inherit; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">Rationalization</strong>: Excuses. Justifications. A rationalization is an excuse your aggressor/abuser makes for engaging in what he knows is an inappropriate or harmful behavior. This can be very effective, especially when he makes just enough sense that any reasonably conscientious person is likely to fall for it. If he can convince you he is justified in whatever he’s doing, then he is freer to pursue his goals without interference. He will often use shame and guilt to coerce you into buying his rationalizations / excuses / justifications.<span style="background-color: transparent;"> </span></blockquote>
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<strong style="border: 0px; font-family: inherit; font-style: inherit; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">Diversion</strong>: Distraction. Changing the subject. Dodging the issue. Throw you a curve ball. A moving target is hard to hit. When you try to pin your manipulator down or keep a discussion focused on a single issue or behavior you don’t like, he is expert at changing the subject, distracting, dodging and throwing curves. He utilizes this maneuver to keep the focus off his behavior, move you off track, keep you off balance and maintain his freedom to promote his self-serving hidden agenda. Confronting a manipulator is like trying to nail Jello to a wall.<span style="background-color: transparent;"> </span></blockquote>
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<strong style="border: 0px; font-family: inherit; font-style: inherit; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">Evasion</strong>: Your manipulator uses vagueness to avoid being cornered on an issue by giving rambling, irrelevant responses to a direct question. He deliberately uses vagueness to confuse you, to make you think you have an answer when you don’t. When he is not responding directly to an issue, you can safely assume he is trying to give you the slip.<span style="background-color: transparent;"> </span></blockquote>
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<strong style="border: 0px; font-family: inherit; font-style: inherit; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">Covert Intimidation</strong>: This is your abuser’s use of veiled threats to keep you, his victim, anxious, apprehensive and one down. The abuser is adept at countering arguments with such passion and intensity that he effectively throws you on the defensive. A manipulator primarily intimidates you by making veiled threats. This way he can threaten you without appearing overtly hostile and aggressive.<span style="background-color: transparent;"> </span></blockquote>
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<strong style="border: 0px; font-family: inherit; font-style: inherit; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">Guilt Tripping</strong>: “How could you think that of me??!” “How could you doubt me?!” Your manipulator keeps you self-doubting, anxious and submissive. This is one of your aggressor’s two favorite weapons, the other is shaming. Aggressive personalities know that others have very different consciences than they have. They also know that the hallmark qualities of a sound conscience are the capacities for guilt and shame. Your manipulator is skilled at using what he knows to be a greater conscientiousness in you, his victim, as a means of keeping you in that anxious, submissive state where you doubt yourself and your perceptions. All your manipulator has to do is suggest to you that you don’t care or that you’re being selfish or cruel [in finally calling them on their abuse] and you immediately start to feel bad. Whereas you can try until you’re blue in the face to get your manipulator to feel remorse for his hurtful behavior, acknowledge responsibility and admit wrong doing, to absolutely no avail.<span style="background-color: transparent;"> </span></blockquote>
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<strong style="border: 0px; font-family: inherit; font-style: inherit; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">Shaming</strong>: Your abuser uses subtle sarcasm and put downs as a means of increasing fear and self-doubt in you. He shames you to make you feel inadequate and unworthy so you will defer to his dominant position.<span style="background-color: transparent;"> </span></blockquote>
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<strong style="border: 0px; font-family: inherit; font-style: inherit; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">Victim Stancing</strong>: He plays the victim role to gain sympathy, evoke compassion in order to get something from you. He also uses this to play a false one down position to you in order to disarm you. If your manipulator can convince you that he’s suffering, then you, being a caring, sensitive soul, will want to relieve his distress.<span style="background-color: transparent;"> </span></blockquote>
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<strong style="border: 0px; font-family: inherit; font-style: inherit; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">Vilifying the Victim</strong>: Your abuser makes it appear that he is merely responding to and defending himself against YOUR aggression, making you, the victim, feel like the villain while he masks his aggressive intent and behavior.<span style="background-color: transparent;"> </span></blockquote>
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<strong style="border: 0px; font-family: inherit; font-style: inherit; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">Servant Role</strong>: Your manipulator cloaks his self-serving agendas in the guise of service to a noble cause; he pretends to work nobly on your behalf while concealing his own desire for power and dominance. One hallmark of a covert aggressive personality is he will loudly profess his subservience while fighting for dominance.<span style="background-color: transparent;"> </span></blockquote>
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<strong style="border: 0px; font-family: inherit; font-style: inherit; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">Seduction</strong>: He charms, praises, flatters you and overtly supports you to get you to lower your defenses and surrender your trust and loyalty. Your manipulator is particularly aware that to the extent you are emotionally needy or dependent (that is, vulnerable, which everyone is to some extent), you will desire approval and reassurance and a sense of being valued and needed above anything. Appearing to be attentive to these needs can be his ticket to incredible power over you. He melts any resistance you might have to giving him your loyalty and confidence. He does this by giving you what he knows you need most. You don’t find out how important you really are to him until you turn out to be in his way.<span style="background-color: transparent;"> </span></blockquote>
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<strong style="border: 0px; font-family: inherit; font-style: inherit; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">Blame Shifting</strong> (Projecting the blame onto you): Your aggressor is always looking for ways to shift the blame for his abusive behavior away from himself. He is expert at finding scapegoats in subtle, hard to detect ways. His willingness to blame you for his abusive behavior is in itself an abusive act. At the very moment he is engaging in the use of this tactic or any other he is in the act of aggressing.<span style="background-color: transparent;"> </span></blockquote>
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<strong style="border: 0px; font-family: inherit; font-style: inherit; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">Feigning Innocence</strong>: He attempts to convince you that any harm he may have caused you was unintentional or that he really didn’t do what he’s being accused of. This makes you question your judgment and sanity and to doubt your right to call him on his abusive behavior. He adroitly uses the look of surprise or indignation, or the sudden gasp at being so accused.<span style="background-color: transparent;"> </span></blockquote>
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<strong style="border: 0px; font-family: inherit; font-style: inherit; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">Feigning Confusion</strong>: Your abuser acts like he doesn’t know what you’re talking about or is confused about the issue you’re bringing. Plays ‘dumb’ to get you to question your perceptions, sanity, etc…<span style="background-color: transparent;"> </span></blockquote>
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<strong style="border: 0px; font-family: inherit; font-style: inherit; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">Brandishing Anger</strong>: Calculated, deliberate display of anger he may or may not feel in order to intimidate, coerce and manipulate.<span style="background-color: transparent;"> </span></blockquote>
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When somebody uses these tactics frequently, you not only know what kind of character you’re dealing with (covert aggressors, manipulators, abusers, Narcissists, Anti-Socials, Borderline Personalities, etc…) but precisely because the tactics are both tools of manipulation as well as manifestations of resistance to change, you also know that he will engage in his problematic behaviors again. You can give up your fantasy that in time he will change and things will be different. Nothing will change until he decides to stop fighting and start accepting. As long as he’s engaged in utilizing these tactics, it’s clear he doesn’t intend to change.<span style="background-color: transparent;"> </span></blockquote>
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<strong style="border: 0px; font-family: inherit; font-style: inherit; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">In Sheep’s Clothing, by George K. Simon, p. 96-112</strong><span style="background-color: transparent;"> </span></blockquote>
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<strong style="border: 0px; font-family: inherit; font-style: inherit; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">Freedom’s NOTE</strong>: And of course, with an abuser, especially a “professional” abuser, it is never appropriate to hang around in the abusive relationship hoping he will change. The point in the paragraph above is that as long as he’s aggressing, he has no intent to change. Realizing this could prove helpful to us in letting go of more denial about the abusiveness in the relationship and any hope we may have of reconciling with the abuser and picking up where we left off: namely, being abused by him again but calling it ‘love.’</blockquote>
Junteihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17532069194131326024noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3354184484343612062.post-31823164214427642972014-07-15T06:26:00.003+10:002014-07-15T06:27:50.181+10:00Breaking Things Down (Part 1)<span style="color: #666666;">This is something I've wanted to do for a while, but finding the energy and brain space is tough. I'm going to try and talk about the communications I received from my abuser while we were still friends in the context of abusive mentality and abuser dynamics, because I think it's important to understand that subtle or otherwise, these things come up all the time in our interactions with others... but being blinded by reasons and justifications doesn't make any of it okay. I've posted a lot of what he and I both said in <a href="http://juntei.blogspot.com.au/2014/05/this-is-why.html" target="_blank">this previous blog post</a> (linked for all necessary context), so I'm not going to reproduce everything here.</span><br />
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<span style="color: #666666;"><b>Email 1:</b></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.200000762939453px;"><span style="color: #666666;">There really isn't much to say from my part that I haven't already communicated to you. The only problem I had that personally affected /me/ was the stress (in the context of already being stressed) that I was feeling because I felt like all my options regarding you, you're health, and our friendship, were in some way massively deficient.</span></span></blockquote>
<span style="color: #666666;">This seems reasonable on the surface, but it's a twisty way to get the focus OFF him and back onto me, by denying and ignoring things not related to his agenda. Though he had established himself as a carer/support person, it's still disturbing he is alluding to the idea that he needs to 'fix' me and/or us in some way. Relationships of all sorts need to be a two way street.</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.200000762939453px;"><span style="color: #666666;">You do have a problem with self-regulation, because you (self-admittedly) react in ways when anxiety/emotional brained that when you calm down you understand were not helpful/in your best interest, etc.</span></span></blockquote>
<span style="color: #666666;">By "self-admittedly" he's referring to the fact that I was already gaslighted at this point to take on the burden of guilt for everything going wrong. To be fair, it wasn't a huge push.. my anxiety and depression do already make me think that I'm a "burden" and "difficult to deal with", etc. Plus, it plays on the societal acceptance of the idea that rational=good and emotional=bad, something abusers use to their advantage all the time. My abuser particularly was covert aggressive (good description of this type of abuse <a href="http://divorcedmoms.com/blogs/travis-county-post/dealing-with-your-exs-covert-aggressive-abuse" target="_blank">lives here</a>) or (as described in <a href="http://juntei.blogspot.com.au/2014/05/behind-abusive-mentality-part-5-types.html" target="_blank">this blog post</a>) a Water Torturer type abuser. Basically, this means he stays calm and in control at all times while provoking emotional responses from the target, thus being able to claim they are "overreacting" and "irrational", etc. to invalidate their emotions.</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.200000762939453px;"><span style="color: #666666;">And you do have a problem with dependence, which, other than being observable, you've said as much yourself when you've calmed down.</span></span></blockquote>
<span style="color: #666666;"> Look, this doesn't even explain a damn thing, which goes to show just how much of a gaslighting lie it was. "Being observable" is not actual evidence of anything, neither is the fact I admitted to it at any point (because... gaslighted). What he really disagreed with was now that I trusted him and accepted him as my main source of support, it was unacceptable to expect ANYthing from him that he did not want to give... and since I did expect him to actually give a shit about me and got angry when his behaviour showed otherwise, it was obviously asking too much. </span><br />
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<span style="color: #666666;"><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.200000762939453px;">Now, whilst I accept my part in not being vigilant enough in trying to help you, to not let it become a dependence thing, the communication was /impossible/ until after you spoke to [REDACTED] on Wednesday. Because you were both in denial about the problem and quite defensive/hostile about it.</span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.200000762939453px;"> </span></span></blockquote>
<span style="color: #666666;">Basically, I disagreed with him and therefore I was in denial and hostile. This is an attack designed to put me on the defensive. By putting the burden on me once again as the one with the problem, I'm pushed to either accept his views or at least have to continue defending myself (probably with some anger at the accusation), which would allow him to again call me "unreasonable". He also would often consult with friends about things between us to subtly prime them to agree with his view that I was overreacting or wrong in some way, so that when I spoke to others for outside viewpoints, it was assured I would be led back to his thinking and more likely to succumb to his control. I don't think he outright would say, 'I am right, she is being emotional and is wrong', but I do think he often played off, again, unwritten social rules. In this case, it's partially that being overly emotional is a 'bad' thing and also that he had to keep distancing himself from me because I was 'too much' (Mmm, mental illness stigma).</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.200000762939453px;"><span style="color: #666666;">So whilst I accept that non-communication might be triggering for you, I do not feel responsible for being the trigger. Nor, given the context, do I think it's fair of you to try to tell me I'm responsible for.</span></span></blockquote>
<span style="color: #666666;">Huge red flag. People who <i>actually</i> care about how they are affecting you do not tell you they are not responsible for the harm caused. Even hurting someone inadvertently, most of us would apologise for what happened, because it sucks to hurt a friend and you try not to do it ever again. Abusers, however, never ever take responsibility for their actions and their effects. It is a major thing that MAKES someone an abuser. (see #9 <a href="http://juntei.blogspot.com.au/2014/05/behind-abusive-mentality-part-4.html" target="_blank">in this post</a>). And not only does he not care that his behaviour was causing me some massive and stressful anxiety (after I had set it as a hard boundary between us), but he then again turns the guilt and blame BACK onto me to make me feel bad I brought it up in the first place.</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.200000762939453px;"><span style="color: #666666;">Now, if after calming down and maybe talking to [REDACTED] or [REDACTED] you realise that much of what you've just said was in no small way disturbing, I'm happy to ignore it. Either way I haven't taken it personally, or let it impact how I feel about you.</span></span></blockquote>
<span style="color: #666666;">He's Very Kindly (sarcasm ahoy) forgiving me for being angry at him about him causing me a lot of undue stress and anxiety. How very nice and big of him. How very manipulative.</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.200000762939453px;"><span style="color: #666666;">However, until you get perspective on the situation from a third party I'm not going to discuss this further with you.</span></span></blockquote>
<span style="color: #666666;">And he ends with a good dose of stonewalling, or shutting down any further communication on the topic so that a resolution or compromise (other than accepting his views) cannot be reached. It's used to retain control of the situation and frustrate the person on the other side, and is another huge red flag when it comes to attempting to have a healthy relationship with someone.</span><br />
<span style="color: #666666;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #666666;"><b>Email 2:</b></span><br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.200000762939453px;"><span style="color: #666666;">Look. You are going to calm down at some point, maybe vent your shit at someone or whatever. Then you are going to freak out because you will think you've just destroyed our friendship. It's a pattern. And I like to think I have a pretty damn high tolerance for that kind of thing. But you are walking on very thin ice, tracing the circumference of my no drama policy.</span></span></blockquote>
<span style="color: #666666;"> Let us begin with a threat. The cycle did keep repeating itself, because <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cycle_of_abuse" target="_blank">abuse is a cycle</a>, and there would always be some way he'd try to control me that pushed just a little too far, so I'd get angry at him. Then the gaslighting and self-blame would kick in and I'd go crawling back, asking for forgiveness since it was the only way to keep things status quo between us. This is how abuse works (the only thing he didn't do was get violent with me, obviously, but everything else is true).</span><br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.200000762939453px;"><span style="color: #666666;">So, in the event that you do at some point realise that you are being completely unreasonable</span></span></blockquote>
<span style="color: #666666;">Because I was always unreasonable if I was angry at him. Blame was always put squarely onto my shoulders.</span><br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.200000762939453px;"><span style="color: #666666;">You are very dear to me and I value our friendship. However, I'm /not/ willing to deal with this amount of drama, from anyone. So if you do in fact want to maintain our friendship, this has to stop.</span></span></blockquote>
<span style="color: #666666;">He said I was dear to him and he valued our friendship in that exact phrase many times as reassurance. A weirdly particular way of putting it and I don't believe any of them were ever sincere, it was always just to placate me. And then there is another threat.</span><br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.200000762939453px;"><span style="color: #666666;">No more expectations of how I should or shouldn't act, no more trying (intentionally or otherwise) to guilt trip me over how /you/ are feeling or into me spending time with you (I say trying because I /don't/ feel guilty in any way). No more emotional venty outbursts at me for what you perceive I've done wrong but inevitably, and usually after talking to someone like [REDACTED], realise that you were, in fact, being unreasonable. No more drama, period.</span></span></blockquote>
<span style="color: #666666;">Basically, stop trying to fight against my control in various ways. You can see how he twisted my valid complaints about his behaviour into things I've done wrong to him. He often accused me of being emotionally manipulative and guilt tripping, when in fact, he was doing these things constantly to me by trying to force me to accept the blame and responsibility of all our problems. By framing my actions in such a drastic framework, it, again, attempts to make me go on the defensive and also feel shame for trying to hold him responsible for the way he was affecting me. This is a list of demands that I had to adhere to for the friendship to stay intact, and yet he couldn't be held 'responsible' for the one thing I asked him to do to make me stop feeling terrible all the time. This is one of the main abuse dynamics, where the abuser must be free to do whatever they please without consequence, but you cannot do anything that the abuser dislikes within the relationship. And of course, again, I am unreasonable for being angry that he did not care about my feelings one bit.</span><br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.200000762939453px;"><span style="color: #666666;">If any of this continues after this particular incident, I intend on cutting communication with you for as long as it takes for you to fix your shit so we can go back to being friends without the drama. Hint: this will be measured in months, maybe even years, not days/weeks, to give you some perspective.</span></span></blockquote>
<span style="color: #666666;">The threat in full, with added consequences of not submitting to his demands. Also, for someone so invested in fighting mental health stigma and mental health advocacy (it's his job at a non-profit, even), the phrase "fix your shit" is very demeaning and out of character for his usual "I'm such a nice, understanding guy" facade.</span><br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.200000762939453px;"><span style="color: #666666;">I don't want to talk about this with you, it is not open for discussion. I want our friendship to work, but if time apart is needed then so be it. This is the last time I will deal with it. At a minimum, I don't want to talk to you at all until you've calmed down and got some perspective.</span></span></blockquote>
<span style="color: #666666;">And again, more stonewalling so that the only possible resolution is his resolution.</span><br />
<span style="color: #666666;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #666666;">The second email was one of the last before the friendship dissolved, so it might make ultimatums seem more reasonable (though everything he took issue with was not an actual issue except that I kept getting mad at him for treating me poorly instead of shutting up and taking his crap). Still, he sent this after I had already expressed that I no longer wanted to continue being friends because of how he was acting. He attempted one more go at regaining control over me, but I'd had enough at that point, as you can see in my reply in the blog post linked at the beginning of this one. The issues I state in my reply were all the true issues as I saw them, instead of the ones he kept pushing on me to make me at fault and more compliant to his control. Never once would he address anything I wanted him to address, and instead derailed every argument into what he felt the problem was (aka Me).</span><br />
<span style="color: #666666;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #666666;">These are not the communications of someone who ever truly cared about me, but they are pretty good examples of how subtle psychological and emotional abuse manifests.</span><br />
<span style="color: #666666;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #666666;">It still baffles me that the people defending him believe that any of the above is acceptable, but then again, they probably believe him that I'm 'crazy' cause I'm mentally ill or that he just couldn't cope with dealing with me anymore (protip: relationships work on communication and compromise... not abusive actions like control and stonewalling and manipulation).</span>Junteihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17532069194131326024noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3354184484343612062.post-53281212529222448402014-07-10T02:52:00.000+10:002014-07-10T02:52:15.642+10:00I'm Not Okay Right Now, But I Will Be (Someday)I want to be the sort of strong, confident person that just doesn't care what other people think, especially since I know there's nothing I can do to <i>make</i> anyone see the truth. Rationally, I know I just need to focus on me, and forget about everyone who's bought into my abuser's lies.<br />
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Rationality doesn't make it all hurt less, though. Or make me less angry about what he's done.<br />
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I also know I can't just make myself snap out of this funk. Healing takes time. But I'm pretty tired of existing between the two states of either miserable or numb. Numb is still more ideal, if I can keep myself busy or distracted enough. The problem is that I can't manage it all of the time, of course. I'm also really tired of all the tears and fighting off the urges to self-harm. It's pretty exhausting.<br />
<br />
I did have a good and much-needed session with the psychologist this week. She's treated me for 5 or 6 years now. She probably knows me better than anyone, other than myself. I think it was good to hear her reassurance that the me from earlier this year, the one who was in constant crisis and self-harming quite badly, isn't the real me at ALL. That was my abuser inside my head. I was in a super vulnerable place and he pushed all the right buttons.<br />
<br />
Like, I know I'm an intensely anxious and reclusive person, so probably a lot of people (esp those neurotypical types) find that weird. So it's not a huge push to think that maybe the crazy, weird chick is super extra crazy. Certainly an easier leap of faith than to accept your friend has done something pretty terrible to someone else. I don't really blame anyone for falling prey to my abuser's manipulations. I know just how convincing his slippery silver tongue can be. And you can't ever have really known me as a person at all to believe I am the thing he says I am, so yeah... it's no huge loss on my side of things, really.<br />
<br />
But it still hurts, and I am still very angry.<br />
<br />
My psychologist asked if I felt like anything was left unresolved, and it was a very easy answer of Nooooo, definitely not. And that felt pretty good. I mean, I was really quite ragey and angry at him for a while, obviously, because he hurt me and continued to hurt me and gave zero shits about it. But I'm so grateful that the AVO stuff is settled and I can give zero fucks about his continued existence. All of my lingering emotions mostly centre around how easy it was for him to turn many people against me. I think getting over that will just take some time.<br />
<br />
I guess I am kind of angry about people taking his side, even if I don't really blame them. I mean, this whole situation is just so fucked up, anyway. I guess it's the final insult, on top of everything else he's done to me.. because that is pretty much just how these things go.<br />
<br />
Jokes on me thinking people would care more about someone abusing me as opposed to my anger at being abused by someone. Not like any of them bothered to ask me if I actually cared about having him back in my life (a. NO b. I told him to fuck off, not the other way around? Seriously, people), or asked me why I was so angry (to be fair, I was still confused on this point for a while), or even stopped to think about how unusual it was for me to even be so angry in the first place (have you met me..? If you haven't, fine, but I don't really do anger).<br />
<br />
Enh, whatever. I've done my ranting.. there's no point continuing. I can run myself round in circles all day getting worked up over everything, but I know shouldn't bother. But this is my life.. this is kind of all it is right now, just... aftermath. A whole lot of emotional chaos and nothing that can fix it but time.<br />
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Because even if everyone who's been sucked in by my abuser's masterful pity performance suddenly changed their mind and realised I was right, etc. etc.... it still wouldn't magically heal what's been left behind. I still have wounds and I still have scars simply because one person went on a power trip with my life and my well being.<br />
<br />
So yeah, I have a lot of strong emotions going on at any given time, and I know they won't simply go away. But even though it's still a struggle now, I also realise that it will get better and all these things will eventually pass, and someday I will be the strong, confident person I want to be... because I've survived and I'm still surviving, with the help of some very real and <i>healthy</i> friendships. Y'know, the kind that don't hurt and feel super shitty all the time.<br />
<br />
I <i>can</i> get better, but the fact my abuser has 'gotten away' with mistreating me means that he will not. I'd much rather be my weird, emotional, anxious self with all the conscious and empathy of a good person than to live my life capable of such cruelty. I guess, in the end, the joke's on him, because at least I can learn from what happened and be a much stronger person for it. I can escape him and his influence, but he is stuck with himself forever, and living your life having to dominate and 'win' at everything is a very lonely place to be.Junteihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17532069194131326024noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3354184484343612062.post-72544639794283545962014-06-30T17:51:00.001+10:002014-06-30T17:51:47.076+10:00The Bottom Line (TRIGGER WARNING for Self Harm)There's things that have been nagging at me a bit that I think have gotten lost in shuffle and craziness of the past few months, in my anger and frustration, in my need to <i>prove</i> that it was abuse, and everything else.<br />
<br />
Most important is this: <u>the way I was treated <b>was</b> abuse, and no one gets to decide that but me.</u><br />
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I can shout until my voice goes hoarse, but it doesn't matter if anyone believes me or not, because no one can understand what I felt and experienced at the hands of the person who harmed me. He may not have laid a hand on me, but his actions were just as dangerous for my health as if he had. This <i>could</i> have been unintentional or subconscious, it <i>could</i> be an isolated incident and not a pattern he's exhibited with others (especially partners), he <i>may</i> not be a malicious, terrible person and something made him behave out of character with me (frex, a need to "protect" himself, such as I discussed in my <a href="http://juntei.blogspot.com.au/2014/06/my-disability-is-not-your-excuse-and.html" target="_blank">last blog post</a>) ... ALL these things might be true, but none of them make it <b>okay</b>.<br />
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And the scars may have come from my own hand, but they are lasting and real. I have self-harmed off and on for 15 years, and never have I experienced the crazy intensity of visiting the ER multiple times for wounds as I did the beginning of this year. Coincidentally, I was also gaslighted into a devastating spiral of guilt and self-hate. When you fuck around with someone already in a really vulnerable place, it is dangerous.<br />
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<b>TRIGGER WARNING: Self harm scars</b><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEivm33RmnPzE3ookojrYnaMYl9msQh5WufJgUMAOuSUK3LFJe64T5NR8Z69iQwoTU9-Aj8DgoqvDZAGq75lokYcwmi_yKKysGiB9-JYiL50W6iV2HvTP_wejEM3QJqN-PTGdQTiGdiooZGV/s1600/IMG_1634.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEivm33RmnPzE3ookojrYnaMYl9msQh5WufJgUMAOuSUK3LFJe64T5NR8Z69iQwoTU9-Aj8DgoqvDZAGq75lokYcwmi_yKKysGiB9-JYiL50W6iV2HvTP_wejEM3QJqN-PTGdQTiGdiooZGV/s1600/IMG_1634.JPG" height="240" width="320" /></a></div>
<b><br /></b>
The largest scar on my thigh is from the second to last ER visit I had (the last being when my abuser called the cops on me for being suicidal). I had to go in because the wound refused to stop bleeding. I know the photo is a lot.. I get triggered by similar online all the time, so I'm sorry if it is. But to me it's a physical reminder of just how insidious his behaviour was, how real the pain and trauma he caused me was. I wear a lot of scars from the years of self-harm, but nothing, nothing like this. This was him inside my head.<br />
<br />
And I can hear the excuses coming from his side, that it is some sort of 'proof' that I was using the harm to gain his attention or get him to spend time with me. Not only is it a disgusting stereotype that those who harm do it for attention, but no one who harms both seriously and longterm does it for anyone but themselves. It's hard to discuss all the thoughts and emotions that go into taking everything out on yourself, and violently so, but it is pretty fucking selfish to make a terrible and destructive act about YOU and not the person actually in pain. (I don't know if my abuser's said anything to this effect at all, to be fair, but it makes sense after how many times he accused me of being too 'dependent' and unable to 'self-regulate' and being 'emotionally manipulative', as well as his fear of 'attaching his presence to things'.)<br />
<br />
And that's the key, really, that in times of conflict, disagreement, or distress.. it was ALL about him. Everything was always about how I was affecting him, and nothing was about how I was feeling, how he put himself in this position of support/carer, how he affected me. I was the problem. I was manipulating him. I was too much. It was okay to hurt me because he had to. I had to adhere to his boundaries and restrictions, but he had to continue doing the one thing without warning that I asked him to give me warning for. The control he exerted over me was for my own good. He'd given so much already, so expecting <i>any</i>thing (especially consideration of my feelings) was unreasonable. No one else was good enough to help me, but I wasn't good enough to be worthy of his help, either. He reassured me and lied to my face over and over, empty promises, and then caused pain all over again.<br />
<br />
It was dehumanising, invalidating, painful, frustrating, and I was always on edge, always anxious. I am still overly anxious, unable to sleep, terrified that I will run into him somewhere, always a bit paranoid that it is not actually over. I don't care who, what, where, when or WHY, but he controlled and manipulated me using his position of power over me (a self-appointed position of support), and it harmed me. That is abuse.Junteihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17532069194131326024noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3354184484343612062.post-85002358931224123872014-06-29T21:04:00.001+10:002014-06-29T21:04:31.726+10:00My Disability is Not Your Excuse and Holding Each Other ResponsibleThere is a strong push these days for self-care, removing toxic people from your life, knowing when enough is enough, that there is such a thing as TOO nice, etc... and obviously, these are all super important things that we should all keep in mind, because your own health and safety do take priority over other peoples in your life. But I found <a href="http://mwfl2014.blogspot.com.au/2014/06/stop-telling-me-that-im-pretty-for-girl.html" target="_blank">this blog post</a> on Tumblr yesterday which resonated with me on some levels, though I suffer from an invisible disability, so I guess I'm lucky to not have strangers coming up and telling me they're 'praying for me' and things of that sort. People with mental illness are vulnerable to abuse in a lot of ways that many are not, however, because it takes even less of a push to paint them as 'unstable' and 'crazy'. Like, obviously, we already KNOW they are, cause weird stuff goes on in their head that you can't understand, right?<br />
<br />
The part that I felt was the most poignant from the post is this (bold emphasis mine):<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
I am telling you now because I want you to stop telling girls and women with disabilities that we’re broken, that we need prayers, that we’re burdens, <b>that it’s okay if someone hurts us because “they’re probably just stressed” from having to “deal” with us,</b> or that we’re pretty “for a girl in a wheelchair.”<br /><br />I am telling you now because I want you to start telling girls and women with disabilities that we’re beautiful, that we’re wanted, that we’re worthy of love, that you recognize us as sexual beings, that we’re capable, and that no one should ever hurt us no matter what.</blockquote>
On the one hand, we do need to take care of ourselves before we take care of others. This is a healthy attitude for anyone to have, and one I'm still learning for myself sometimes. But predators, abusers, manipulators, and anyone else who is unable to empathise properly turns this into an excuse, into something to absolve them of responsibility for their actions, to avoid any consequences.<br />
<br />
I left my husband because I had to, for my health. I'm still realising even now the extent of just how fucked up things were between us, but he is still a person and I still care for him. Not once did I forget how my actions would affect BOTH of us, how I worried about his ability to function on his own, or if the separation would tailspin him further into depression and isolation (all things my therapist has reminded me are Not My Problem). I probably tend to be an over-empathiser, so yeah, all those admonitions of self-care and 'your health first' are basically made for me, but I don't think normal, feeling people ever truly forget that our actions have consequences on others, for better or worse.<br />
<br />
And even if you accept that someone has to hurt someone else for legitimate reasons, there's a big difference between peripheral hurt and directly causing someone hurt. Most of us would not directly cause someone hurt if we could at all avoid it, or we'd find ways to protect ourselves while minimising the damage to the other if it truly came to that. It feels pretty shit making someone else feel shit, intentionally or not... at least, if you have a functional sense of empathy.<br />
<br />
Obviously, I don't believe my abuser is an empathetic being or he would have handled things a lot differently... but even if you disagree, if you accept that perhaps he was acting in ways to 'protect' himself because dealing with me was simply too much to cope with, then yes, it may be a reason, but it is not an <b>excuse</b>. It does not magically make his poor behaviour okay or mean that his actions have no consequences or absolve him of the responsibility of his choices. To believe so means you must dehumanise me, to believe that my illness makes me something less than human and there is some level where harming me is 'okay' if it's absolutely necessary. And that is not something most people I know should be willing to accept, because it is a disgustingly ableist attitude to have when so many around us deal with mental illness to varying degrees.<br />
<br />
I've read a lot lately about how geek communities/social groups/spaces tend to fall prey to things such as <a href="http://www.plausiblydeniable.com/opinion/gsf.html" target="_blank">The Five Geek Social Fallacies</a> and <a href="http://pervocracy.blogspot.com.au/2012/06/missing-stair.html" target="_blank">The Missing Stair</a>. There is a strong feeling of needing to be inclusive and accepting of things beyond what is reasonable sometimes because many of us were outsiders when we were younger and 'we're not like THOSE people', or that being a friend means we have to be okay with everything about a person to a fault. The Geek Social Fallacies touch on a lot of these ideas really well, so I won't go over it all here.<br />
<br />
My point is simply that we need to expect better, especially of ourselves and our friends. Being a true friend should mean being able to call out poor behaviour, holding others accountable so that we can all do better and be better friends and human beings. Change and growth is a good thing for all of us, and honestly caring and supporting one another should include not allowing the bad things to slide as much as we encourage positive things. No one likes being called out on this stuff, and it can be hard to feel like you'll just create conflict or 'drama' (the dreaded D word.. pretty closely related to the topics addressed in the Geek Social Fallacies). But I have people close to me that I trust and I value that they are willing to tell me straight up when I go wrong as much as when they cheer me on when I'm doing well. And part of the strength and value of the friendship is that I listen to them, because I know they just want me to be a better person overall.<br />
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I have a lot more to say about how my abuser's actions were truly harmful and the condemnation of emotions and other various related things, but those are for other blog posts. I think I can sum it all up with this:<br />
<br />
Letting things slide because it seems like a good enough justification perpetuates a culture of abuse, it allows predators to slide through the cracks and hide among us. Accepting that it is 'okay' to harm others in significant ways because they are 'too much' for one reason or another is both dehumanising and ableist. And don't let reasons become justifications or excuses, because avoiding responsibility for our actions is never really okay (and it's a huge red flag for those who manipulate and/or abuse). Supporting each other as friends should include calling out bad behaviour, because it is in everyone's best interests to encourage a culture of straightforward openness and honesty and help prevent falling into Missing Stair or other related situations.Junteihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17532069194131326024noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3354184484343612062.post-53703085227269021952014-06-18T01:36:00.000+10:002014-06-18T01:36:44.349+10:00I Wish This Contentment Could Last ForeverIt's 1am, I slept for aaaaages (which I so needed after weeks and weeks of severe insomnia), I'm working on some writing, listening to music, and for once, I'm smiling. I feel great for the first time in so long, I think I forgot how nice contentment can be.<br />
<br />
Monday in court went even better than expected. It was terrifying and stressful, but I had support there the entire time. I'm so thankful for the calming presence of my friends. I won't go into details, but I was able to receive help from the Domestic Violence Representatives program on the day, and they were amazing. Perfect, really. Basically, I agreed to a thing I wanted to do anyway and my abuser agreed to withdraw the AVO. I wish I knew what the lawyer said to him. I wish this was a solution to all of life's problems, too. So ideal.<br />
<br />
IT'S OVER. I'm so thankful and so grateful for everyone who has given support or even just the simplest note of sympathy. Every bit has truly helped. I'm especially thankful for the amazing friends I got to see on Sunday, because it was such the perfect pick me up before dealing with court. Maybe it's a small thing, but even just hearing their outrage and support in person, and how much they understood my actions (despite the anger and intensity)... yeah, it felt really great. I managed to sleep that night, which is the real sign of how much it helped. I expected to be up all night before court dreading it. So much love to you all. <3<br />
<br />
So yeah, I feel as if I can finally breathe, as if a huge weight has been lifted from my life. And I survived! I survived a lot of very scary, intense emotions and dealing with some very trying events the first half of this year which came right after last year's stress of the marriage falling apart, etc. AND I've survived it all while making it past three months clean from self-harm. I think, I think I'm allowed to be very proud of myself.<br />
<br />
There was a Me at one point in time who would have just run away from it all, who would have stayed silent and accepted that sometimes people just treat you badly, who would have tried to self-destruct instead of attempting to cope, and obviously that Me is still in there, somewhere. I wanted to do all of those things at various points in time. I really wanted everything to simply Go Away so badly. But these days I know that life just doesn't work that way, and sometimes things are really difficult, but it's worth it to hang onto whatever is important to you. In this case, it's been my health, my independence, and this life I've built for me in my home away from home.<br />
<br />
I've lost some friends along the way, and I'm sad for that, of course. I didn't want it to happen the way it has, but it's nothing personal and I don't hate anyone. Also I feel that I know who to focus on building stronger friendships with, and that it has been a hard and important lesson. And I hope to find other, new friends too. It's a big city. There's a lot of awesome people I haven't met yet, I'm sure.<br />
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Most importantly, it can only go up from here, as far as I'm concerned. I'm going to make a concerted effort to keep fighting this stupid mental illness and figuring out whatever it is that is making me physically ill. I'm going to take a uni course next semester and get that going again. I'm going to keep working on my writing and submitting it for contests or publication. I'm going to spend time focusing on others over all the time I spend inside my own head (I'm pretty sick of it in there). I also hope to get back to volunteering once a week, too. I've fought hard for this life, with the help of a lot of people who love me. Now it's finally time to make it into the one I want to live.Junteihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17532069194131326024noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3354184484343612062.post-40115351888306954362014-06-14T05:25:00.003+10:002014-06-14T05:25:58.369+10:00Mental Illness Feels Like 4 AM (and also Thoughts on Gaslighting)Awake in the early morning hours, alone, and in tears. I can't tell you how many nights I've spent this way over the course of my life. Too many. It's an eternal paradox. I crave these times for familiar and comfortable solitude. At the same time I despise them, because inevitably I can no longer keep the worst thoughts and emotions at bay. If you asked me what mental illness felt like, I'd say it felt like 4 am; deep into the night, but still a couple hours from sunrise. It's the time where everything is still and quiet, even those who prefer to inhabit the night as I do fast asleep. Four am is the hour of insomniacs; the anxious, the depressed, the broken.<div>
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Tonight, there is pain. Lately, there's been a lot of pain; the kind that makes your chest physically ache and tighten and you can't breathe and you wonder if tonight is the night you finally burst open since you can't imagine anything else would provide any sort of relief. Usually that sort is only a sometimes pain. These days it is every night.</div>
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Tonight, I was thinking of how much judgement has been thrown my way, even sometimes from those on my side. Not always intentionally, but still throwing blame on me or my behaviour or simply completely misunderstanding the situation or my motivations. To be fair, it's been a huge learning process for me, too. I think many don't realise that my first blogs on here were still strongly influenced by the gaslighting I experienced at my abuser's hand. The long, rambling attempts to make sense of everything was <i>because</i> nothing made sense, even when I was so convinced I finally understood what was going on. I was still taking on so much responsibility and blame that had been heaped upon me unfairly, trying to explain away the terrible behaviour of someone else. Yet, no matter how many times I went over it, clarified it for myself, tried again and again to deconstruct and figure out what went wrong, discovering that the control exerted over me was in fact <b>abuse</b> is what finally made sense. It was like everything clicked and a fog was lifted.</div>
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I was thinking of how to describe gaslighting to one who hasn't experienced it, because it's a really foreign idea that someone could mould your own thinking so strongly. The best way to put it is to imagine a disco ball that has been turned inside out, and you are in the centre of it. If you were holding a torch, the light represents you essentially 'throwing blame', in that you bring up something someone does that you find hurtful for some reason. So, you shine your light of 'hey, I really wish you'd stop doing this thing' towards the person responsible, only they are outside the disco ball and instead of shining at them, it hits the hundreds of mirrors facing back at you. These mirrors are the various ways blame and responsibility are thrown back at you, through a lot of rationalisation, justification, and poking at things you are already insecure about (in my case, it was the accusations of dependency and the inability to regulate my coping strategies for myself). True manipulators can make anything sound 'reasonable' and are really adept at reading those who are vulnerable to their tactics. It's easy to make things 'truth' if you can speak about them in ways that make sense to others in one way or another.</div>
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Anyway, the light of course gets reflected and intensified as it bounces around and all comes back to you in the centre, all at once. It's really hard to see things clearly and, if you stand in the light long enough, you start internalising it and it becomes normal. That's the reality shift.</div>
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A good question, of course, is how did someone manage to affect me so deeply in such a short amount of time? I think I was just a particularly susceptible victim, having only just escaped an emotionally abusive situation with the husband. I was already conditioned to living in an unhealthy environment, even though it manifested differently. I've read that often abusers will purposely pick those who are successful so that they can make themselves feel superior in dragging someone down. In my case, I was already dragged down to rock bottom, so it didn't take much standing in the light, so to speak, to twist up my thinking pretty badly. Though, I also credit my experience with helping me to make the final stand against him, because I knew <i>something</i> was wrong, even though it was very difficult to figure out what. In some ways, my subconscious alarm bells were going off, like, HEY you don't have to put up with feeling awful, this is why you left the husband!</div>
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And that's part of why it hurts and angers me so much that so many believe his lies that I have some sort of obsession with him. I never, ever have. It sounds like I admit it in my own words, yes, but those blogs are his truth coming out of my mouth and not <i>my</i> Truth. And even after I began discovering the Truth, I was still confused and lost. I felt as if everything was turned upside down, and I questioned it a LOT. Over and over I wondered if I wasn't just trying to find convenient explanations for things to absolve me of guilt, to help me find some sense of closure. There were nights I felt weirdly detached, as if I were floating away from myself and nothing was real. It's called disassociation when you disconnect like that, and I can only describe it as if I were a cloud, observing things from high above. I experience it much more mildly when my anxiety becomes overwhelming in public spaces, though it's more like my brain shuts off and I can only manage simple tasks one at a time. This was a lot scarier.</div>
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I know a lot of my actions made it seem like I was perhaps obsessed and stuck after we stopped speaking. I heard a lot of, 'Forget him! Just move on. You're better off without him. Don't let him get to you.' Yeah, well, I was confused too why I couldn't do that. I <i>wanted</i> to, very badly. But trauma just doesn't work that way. And now I'm annoyed that things are dragging on now when I'd like nothing more than for him to simply stop existing for me.</div>
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I guess what I'm saying is that I have been judged for a lot of things out of my control, and not entirely unfairly so. Though, I hoped more would be able to see my journey for what it is, even if it's all been a bit of a mess. Even though I know a lot of mental illness-friendly people, I feel that there still has been a lot of disregard for stuff I've said based on the fact that I'm 'crazy', so there must be something wrong with me since I've been acting so intense and weird lately.</div>
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Yeah, that has zero to do with my mental illness and everything to do with the person who caused me a lot of harm. Like, if you've known me for years and I'm acting super out of character, that means there's a really good reason behind it.. not 'craziness'. Honestly, the first indicator that something was terribly wrong should have been how self-destructive I became with my abuser around, to the point I had multiple crisis nights. I have never had that happen to me before in all my experience with my illness. I mean, I probably <i>should</i> have spent a night or two in the ER last year while my marriage was falling apart, but still... and I feel like that ties into how much control he was trying to exert over me. The 'crazier' I was, the more I should depend and trust him to know what was best.</div>
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The lesson here is that causing an already self-destructive person to internalise a lot of guilt and blame is super dangerous. That is how serious this is. I am lucky I am not dead, and I got out of that situation as quickly as I did. I imagine his threshold is before actual death occurs, or he wouldn't have called the police the night I ran away to the park with the intention of harming myself. And I even thanked him afterwards, grateful he cared enough to not let me die when his anger and silence is what put me there in the first place. Ugh, it makes me disgusted to think of it.</div>
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This is a person people refuse to stop calling friend. *shudder*</div>
Junteihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17532069194131326024noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3354184484343612062.post-57600091034726322992014-06-11T21:59:00.000+10:002014-06-11T21:59:50.888+10:00Some Clarification, Some Ranting; Basically the UsualSome clarification of my last post:<br />
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If you are friends with my abuser and haven't even bothered to talk to me about my side or expressed any sort of sympathy, I want you out of my life.<br />
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If his lies and justifications are easier to swallow than him treating me cruelly, I want you out of my life.<br />
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If you found my anger off-putting or an overreaction, I want you out of my life.<br />
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If you don't find his hurtful actions to discredit me problematic at all, I want you out of my life.<br />
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If it is so easy to believe that my mental illness means I'm a crazy, lying drama whore, I want you out of my life.<br />
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If you are sympathetic but don't reconsider if this is a person who makes a good friend or you find abuse too harsh a word, think of it as emotional bullying and understand that this experience has been seriously traumatic for me. If keeping the friendship is still more important than my wellbeing, I want you out of my life.<br />
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If you think your neutrality or silence or whatever is more important than taking emotional abuse seriously, you are an enabler, and I want you out of my life.<br />
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If you think this is a super harsh reaction to the entire situation, I want you out of my life.<br />
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I'd rather isolate myself and lose a lot of friendships I've had for years (therefore giving him exactly what he wants), than deal with a monster for one more second than I have to or put any more energy into the misery and stress he's caused me. There are people who have provided me a lot of support and kind words and have put effort into staying friends regardless of everything that's happened, and some have made the amazing effort to become better friends, even. These are the people I want in my life, and no one else.<br />
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I posted <a href="http://errlix.tumblr.com/post/64732623113/estrangement-and-such" target="_blank">this</a> on social media before, but it really describes it best as to why this is necessary.<br />
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A while ago I came to a realisation that someone I thought I was good friends with was incredibly toxic and an adept gaslighter. He knew how to push my buttons and knew which situations to push them in so that I’d react publicly and irrationally. Why? I still don’t know, although several people close to us both have suggested it’s a combination of his incredibly low self esteem (apparently thanks to his parents), or that he sees me as some kind of threat (I still have no idea what that means). When I finally realised that no one else could see how difficult it was for me to associate with him, and that I’d prefer to never see or have anything to do with him again, I cut him off. </div>
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Social events with that particular circle of friends became difficult. This was, aside from him, a great group of people I’d become increasingly close to and enjoyed spending time with. I got to the point where I had to ask if he was going to be at something, so that I could decline the invitation if he was. </div>
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At some point, a lightbulb went off in my head. The angst and anxiety around always avoiding this person meant that this person was always popping into my thoughts. Every time a mutual friend invited me somewhere, I had to think about him, and I didn’t want to think about him ever again. The problem was that everyone seemed to think he was great, so there was no chance of the situation changing. I could have swallowed my pride and just shown up to things and let him be the awkward one, but I did that a couple of times and it was anxiety-ridden for me and not worth the trouble. </div>
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So, on somewhat of a whim, I removed almost everyone in that group from my social circle. </div>
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Why <em style="border: 0px; font-family: inherit; font-weight: inherit; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">almost</em> everyone and not just everyone? A few people contacted me to ask what was going on, and I told them. Most got angry and bid me good riddance—but a couple of them flat out refused to stop being friends with me, and started making time for me outside of group things. </div>
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Within a couple of days of removing everyone, it felt like an immense weight had been lifted from my shoulders. Sure, I had about 50% less friends overnight, but I never had to worry about him again. It felt incredible, and it also changed my life—I started making time for new friends and discovered the people I now refer to as my tribe. I definitely miss some of the people I left behind with him, but it was worth it. </div>
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I'm not going to go through the trouble of worrying which social things I can attend and which I can't. If you don't want me around anyway, because you believe his side, good riddance. I'm certain I know who cares about my friendship and who doesn't by now, anyway.<br />
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I do not hate anyone other than my abuser, and if you are worried I am speaking about you (I am not necessarily thinking of anyone in particular with any of these statements.. but this is the general feeling I've gotten from a lot of various reactions), then chat with me and I will happily discuss the what and why of how I've gotten to this point.<br />
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I also have not asked anyone to ever advocate for me on my behalf with any other friends. I've gotten the impression that some feel I am creating an Us vs. Them dynamic, which is not what I want at all. All I've wanted is to speak my truth and hope that some of you out there understand. I'm just clarifying now where my boundaries lie. If you are a mutual friend of someone wondering why I'm cutting people off, then I'm happy for you to explain things or direct them to me. In fact, I've always preferred direct communication about all this stuff... the lack of it is part of what has been causing me stress. I know there's been a lot of talking about me and very little talking about things TO me.<br />
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I DO think there is a right side and a wrong side, but that's because for me there is. He caused me harm. That is wrong. If you intentionally or unintentionally encourage and enable him causing me harm, we cannot be friends. It's that simple.<br />
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If I sound angry and frustrated, that's because I am still. I imagine I will be until everything is settled. And if I'm not angry and frustrated, I'm crying and terrified. That's it, that's my life at the moment. But once this is done, I am moving forward and never looking back. I wish more of you were coming with me, but I'm grateful for all those who will be.Junteihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17532069194131326024noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3354184484343612062.post-56673078610364071352014-06-07T22:38:00.001+10:002014-06-07T22:39:45.700+10:00Zero ToleranceI accidentally deleted my last blog post, but it's not important. Either you believe me or you don't even though everything is still becoming clearer and making more sense the more I examine our 'friendship' and learn how these sorts of people operate.<div><br></div><div>But even more difficult isn't that I was treated so cruelly or that he continues to attempt to intimidate and silence me... it's how difficult it has been to face up to the fact that people I respect and call friends have either refused to believe me or stayed silent in the name of 'neutrality' (and his friends even actively support his behaviour and lies), and all of the above is in <i>his</i> favour. Yes, thinking you know someone who is a friend, that they could never act that way, that it's a misunderstanding or the accuser is overreacting in some way, believing his justifications and lies... they hurt more than even the manipulative abuse. I am now zero tolerance of any remote presence of his in my life, even if that means losing people I would really rather not, because I will not accept anything that makes me feel unsafe or will give him <i>any</i> power over me, and that includes unintentional lines of communication. Once everything is settled, he no longer exists as far as I am concerned.</div><div><br></div><div>But I'm not burning bridges. If you see things that bother you, behaviours you'd like to overlook but can't quite, stuff you can't put your finger on but it feels off, anything at all from him or anyone else that makes you question their honesty, intentions or whatever... I'm always here to chat. I will always believe you even if no one else does. I will never question your intuition or sanity or accept justifications for poor behaviour. I promise I will always listen, because I have been there and I would never put someone else through what I have been through. Even if you are a stranger on the internet, I will believe you. You are never alone.</div>Junteihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17532069194131326024noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3354184484343612062.post-7211026288988273502014-06-02T18:24:00.000+10:002014-06-02T18:24:50.710+10:00Things I Am Tired of HearingDirected at no one or any conversation in particular.<br />
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"There were mistakes on both sides." Irrelevant.<br />
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"Just ignore him." I'm trying. When you figure out how to make my brain shut up, please let me know.<br />
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"Leave it all alone and focus on you." I'm doing that already, or coping with things in whatever way I need to.<br />
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"I wouldn't have handled it that way." Easier said than done if you haven't been the victim of abuse.<br />
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*silence* There's a lot in what people DON'T say, as well.<br />
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Yes, I'm lacking in sleep and having a grumpy day, and I know it's hard to know what TO say, and everyone is really sick of the drama (me too!). I'm not angry when people are only trying to help, but I can't help that certain things annoy me. And still a strong sense of people not taking things as seriously as I'd probably prefer, or believing I'm not lying, but that I'm still overreacting in many ways.<br />
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I'm not sorry, and no, you can't understand it really from the outside. I don't expect anyone to, either. I'm just tired of it all, and it can't and won't go away for me. Partially because he doesn't want it to and partially because it's been pretty traumatic. It just is what it is.Junteihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17532069194131326024noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3354184484343612062.post-82601925688782250042014-06-02T08:16:00.001+10:002014-06-02T08:52:09.731+10:00Even Winning Will Be Losing<div>My series of posts about Abusive Mentalities are finished and I'd love it if you could all give it a read. It's pretty eye-opening and surprising, because we all <i>think</i> we know about abuse and how it works... but most of what we know is wrong, and it explains why abusers get away with it for so long, how they trap victims, etc. Pretty fascinating stuff, though triggery as heck if you have been there yourself. It also explains why they rarely change, because they are so completely convinced they are in the right and can justify their actions to themselves. Scary to think about, really. </div><div><br></div>So yeah, as for an update, I am worried I will have to be even stricter about friends cause my anxiety levels in regards to my abuser are through the roof. He came up in a completely separate Twitter conversation yesterday and I didn't expect much of anything... surely a man so desperate to not hear from me has me blocked, right? He filed for an AVO, so that tends to indicate you are pretty serious about the No-Contact thing. But I looked out of curiosity, because I'm super clever like that, and once again he's trying to provoke some sort of reaction out of me. This time with some violently angry name-calling. I believe the exact phrase was "crazy, obnoxious, delusional fucktard". Nice. I have no reason to react in even a passive-aggressive way, cause I've said most everything I need to say. Whatever. If he wants to put on a show for sympathy and get stupid on the internet, I don't really care. (Yes, I have been stupid and angry on the internet, but nothing I've said directly or indirectly was that disgusting.) I can only hope people are finally seeing his true colours.<div><br></div><div>Except this is making me feel super unsafe. I don't know how I'm supposed to coexist even somewhat socially with this person. I don't want to say him or me, but it's getting to the point where I'm not even certain how to be in a space with him without a panic attack. And the thought people who are lovely and probably don't think I'm crazy could accept this sort of treatment of a mutual friend is becoming harder and harder to reconcile.</div><div><br></div><div>And it's probably what he wants. If he can't silence me, he can certainly try to intimidate me, isolate me further, take away more people from my life I genuinely like and respect a lot. And he was careful to be just vague enough, but anyone can tell he means me. It came right after the tag. Which I hadn't considered he could see, except I should have cause he mentioned to my housemate about a tag the day he tried to have the AVO served. Hypocrisy abounds. I will continue to speak truth to any who will listen, but I don't think this emotional and psychological mess he's caused will really ever entirely go away. At least, not for a long time. </div><div><br></div><div>Anyway, I've been thinking about the trigger for his behaviour change with me, and I think I have figured it out. Basically, it was as soon as I felt I could trust him and 'asked' for help, probably combined with some of my anger at the first night he stayed away for my own good.. that's when the accusations of dependency and stuff first came out. Probably because instead of letting him 'fix' me in the way he wanted to or thought was best, I tried to direct his help in ways I would find more useful, including setting a necessary boundary and being hurt when his 'help' backfired. He was always trying to control me, but in ways I found easier to swallow under the pretense of providing support. It was always 'do this, do that, these things are good for you and these things are bad, etc.' Not having to think for youself too much just coming out of a marriage and a soul-destroying year seemed pretty okay at the time. Guess he gave me a bit too much confidence and assertiveness for his liking. Also, it's obvious the help he offers is about making himself feel good... and being angry and hurt by him can't have felt good. And that's when the scary cycle of control and manipulation began, and I got confused and apologetic and couldn't figure out why I still felt shit when I tried to accept what he was saying.</div><div><br></div><div>Bleh. </div><div><br></div>Junteihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17532069194131326024noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3354184484343612062.post-40489116902647168202014-05-30T05:16:00.000+10:002014-05-30T05:16:00.754+10:00Behind Abusive Mentality (Part 6): Abusers and Allies<i>Excerpts taken from <u>Why Does He Do That?</u> by Lundy Bancroft.</i><br />
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Besides, he feels that he deserves allies, because he considers himself the victim. </blockquote>
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You may wonder why, if abusive men feel so justified in their actions, they distort their stories so much when seeking support. First, an abuser doesn’t want to have to explain his worst behaviors—his outright cruelty, for example, or his violence—to people who might find those acts distasteful, and he may not feel confident that his justifications will be accepted. Second, he may carry some guilt or shame about his worst acts, as most abusers do; his desire to escape those feelings is part of why he looks for validation from other people, which relieves any nagging selfdoubt. He considers his guilt feelings a weakness to be overcome. <i>And, last, he may lie because he has convinced himself of his own distortions.</i></blockquote>
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But whether or not he is telling the truth is almost beside the point; he is playing to the societal value, still widely held, <b>that a man’s abuse toward a woman is significantly less serious if she has behaved rudely herself.</b> </blockquote>
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What her family and friends may not know is that <i>when an abused woman refuses to “look at her part” in the abuse, she has actually taken a powerful step out of self-blame and toward emotional recovery.</i> She doesn’t have any responsibility for his actions. Anyone who tries to get her to share responsibility is adopting the abuser’s perspective.</blockquote>
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Despite the challenges, many, many friends and relatives of abused women stay by them. Their presence is critical, for it is the level of loyalty, respect, patience, and support that an abused woman receives from her own friends and family that largely determines her ability to recover from abuse and stay free.</blockquote>
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<i>I’ve had couples counselors say to me, for example: “He just isn’t the type to be abusive; he’s so pleasant and insightful, and she’s so angry.”</i> Women speak to me with shocked voices of betrayal as they tell me how their couples therapist, or the abuser’s individual therapist, or a therapist for one of their children, has become a vocal advocate for him and a harsh and superior critic of her.</blockquote>
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<b>THE MYTH OF NEUTRALITY</b></blockquote>
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It is not possible to be truly balanced in one’s views of an abuser and an abused woman. As Dr. Judith Herman explains eloquently in her masterwork Trauma and Recovery, “neutrality” actually serves the interests of the perpetrator much more than those of the victim and so is not neutral. Although an abuser prefers to have you wholeheartedly on his side, he will settle contentedly for your decision to take a middle stance. To him, that means you see the couple’s problems as partly her fault and partly his fault,<br />
which means it isn’t abuse.</blockquote>
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I was speaking with a person one day who was describing the abusive relationship of a man and woman, both of whom were friends of hers. <i>“They each want me to side with them,” she explained to me, “but I refuse to take sides. They have to work out their own dynamics. I have let both of them know that I’m there for them.</i> If I openly supported her, he would just dig his heels in harder.” She added, <i>“People need to avoid the temptation to choose up teams” in a tone that indicated that she considered herself to be of superior maturity because of her neutrality.</i></blockquote>
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In reality, to remain neutral is to collude with the abusive man, whether or not that is your goal. If you are aware of chronic or severe mistreatment and do not speak out against it, your silence communicates implicitly that you see nothing unacceptable taking place. Abusers interpret silence as approval, or at least as forgiveness. <i>To abused women, meanwhile, the silence means that no one will help—just what her partner wants her to believe.</i> Anyone who chooses to quietly look the other way therefore unwittingly becomes the abuser’s ally.</blockquote>
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Breaking the silence does not necessarily mean criticizing or confronting the abuser regarding his behavior. <i>It certainly doesn’t mean going to him with anything you have learned from her, because the abuser will retaliate against her for talking about his behavior to other people.</i> <b>It does mean telling the abused woman privately that you don’t like the way he is treating her and that she doesn’t deserve it, no matter what she has done.</b></blockquote>
<b>Summary </b><br />
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Colluding with abuse abandons the abused woman and her children, <i>and ultimately abandons the abuser as well, since it keeps him from ever dealing with his problem.</i> If we can erode the ability of abusers to gain allies, they will stand alone, and alone they are easier to stop.</blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<i>It often falls to the abused woman herself, unfortunately, to try to educate the people around her whose help and support she needs, so that they will understand the dynamics of abuse and stop supporting the abusive man.</i> Much of why an abuser is so able to recruit allies, besides his own manipulativeness and charm, is his skill in playing on people’s ignorance and misconceptions and often on their negative attitudes toward women. As difficult as it is to take on, you will often find yourself having to be your own best advocate, arguing forcefully against the range of ways in which your society’s values may buy into the abusive man’s outlook, in order to gain the kind of strong backing that you deserve from all those around you.</blockquote>
<b><i>Abusers and the Legal System</i></b><br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
Abusers have also learned to rush to the court for restraining orders before their partners get a chance to do so and sometimes scoop up custody of their children in the process. It would be difficult to find anyone more self-satisfied than the man who repeatedly assaults his partner verbally or physically and then has the pleasure of handing her a court order that bars her from the residence. And of course the shock to the woman of discovering that the court has kicked her when she was already down can propel her several more yards in the direction of resignation and bitterness. </blockquote>
Junteihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17532069194131326024noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3354184484343612062.post-24205884042209804082014-05-29T12:00:00.000+10:002014-05-29T12:00:00.202+10:00Behind Abusive Mentality (Part 5): Types of Abusers<i>Excerpts taken from <u>Why Does He Do That?</u> by Lundy Bancroft. Only </i><i>the most relevant types: Mr. Right and The Water Torturer.</i><br />
<i><b><br /></b></i>
<i><b>Types of Abusers</b></i><br />
<blockquote>
Besides knowing all about the world, <i>Mr. Right is also an expert on your life and how you should live it</i>. He has the answers to your conflicts at work, how you should spend your time, and how you should raise your children. </blockquote>
<blockquote>
The central attitudes driving Mr. Right are: </blockquote>
<blockquote>
• You should be in awe of my intelligence and should look up to me intellectually. <b>I know better than you do, even about what's good for you.</b><br />
• Your opinions aren't worth listening to carefully or taking seriously.<br />
• <i>The fact that you sometimes disagree with me shows how sloppy your thinking is.</i><br />
• <b>If you would just accept that I know what's right, our relationship would go much better. Your own life would go better, too.</b></blockquote>
<blockquote>
The Water Torturer's style proves that anger doesn't cause abuse. He can assault his partner psychologically without even raising his voice. He tends to stay calm in arguments, using his own evenness as a weapon to push her over the edge. </blockquote>
<blockquote>
In an argument, she may end up yelling in frustration, leaving the room crying, or sinking into silence. The Water Torturer then says, See, you're the abusive one, not me. <b>You're the one who's yelling and refusing to talk things out rationally. I wasn't even raising my voice. It's impossible to reason with you.</b> </blockquote>
<blockquote>
The psychological effects of living with the Water Torturer can be severe. His tactics can be difficult to identify, so they sink in deeply. <b>Women can find it difficult not to blame themselves for their reactions to what their partner does if they don't even know what to call it.</b> When someone slaps you in the face, you know you've been slapped. But when a woman feels psychologically assaulted, with little idea why, after an argument with The Water Torturer, she may turn her frustration inward. How do you seek support from a friend, for example, when you don't know how to describe what is going wrong? </blockquote>
<blockquote>
The Water Torturer tends to genuinely believe that there is nothing unusual about his behavior. When his partner starts to confront him with his abusiveness—which she usually does sooner or later—he looks at her as if she were crazy and says, What the hell are you talking about? I've never done anything to you. <i>Friends and relatives who have witnessed the couple's interactions may back him up. They shake their heads and say to each other, I don't know what goes on with her. She just explodes at him sometimes, and he's so low-key.</i></blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
The Water Torturer is payback-oriented like most abusive men, but he may hide it better. His moves appear carefully thought out, and he rarely makes obvious mistakes—such as letting his abusiveness show in public—that could turn other people against him or get him in legal trouble. </blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
If you are involved with a Water Torturer, you may struggle for years trying to figure out what is happening. <i>You may feel that you overreact to his behavior and that he isn't really so bad.</i> But the effects of his control and contempt have crept up on you over the years. If you finally leave him, <b>you may experience intense periods of delayed rage, as you become conscious of how quietly but deathly oppressive he was. </b></blockquote>
<blockquote>
The central attitudes driving the Water Torturer are: </blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
• <i>You are crazy. You fly off the handle over nothing.</i><br />
<i>• I can easily convince other people that you're the one who is messed up.</i><br />
<i>• </i><b>As long as I'm calm, you can't call anything I do abusive, no matter how cruel.</b><br />
<i>• I know exactly how to get under your skin.</i></blockquote>
Junteihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17532069194131326024noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3354184484343612062.post-17706585067269400242014-05-28T12:00:00.000+10:002014-05-28T12:00:00.254+10:00Behind Abusive Mentality (Part 4): Realities of Abuse #6-10<div class="p1">
<i>Excerpts taken from <u>Why Does He Do That?</u> by Lundy Bancroft.</i><br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<b>REALITY #6: </b><b>He is manipulative.</b></blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
There are some signs of manipulation by abusers that you can watch for:</blockquote>
</div>
<div class="p1">
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<ul>
<li>Changing his moods abruptly and frequently, so that you find it difficult to tell who he is or how he feels, keeping you constantly off balance. <i>His feelings toward you are especially changeable.</i></li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li>Denying the obvious about what he is doing or feeling. He’ll speak to you with his voice trembling with anger, or he’ll blame a difficulty on you, or he’ll sulk for two hours, and then deny it to your face. You know what he did—and so does he —but he refuses to admit it, which can drive you crazy with frustration. Then he may call you irrational for getting so upset by his denial.</li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li><b>Convincing you that what he wants you to do is what is best for you.</b> This way the abuser can make his selfishness look like generosity, which is a neat trick. A long time may pass before you realize what his real motives were.</li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li><i>Getting you to feel sorry for him, so that you will be reluctant to push forward with your complaints about what he does.</i></li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li><b>Getting you to blame yourself</b><i>,</i> or blame other people, <b>for what he does</b>. Using confusion tactics in arguments, subtly or overtly changing the subject, <i>insisting that you are thinking or feeling things that you aren’t, twisting your words</i>, and many other tactics that serve as glue to pour into your brain. You may leave arguments with him feeling like you are losing your mind.</li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li><i>Lying or misleading you about his actions, his desires, or his reasons for doing certain things</i>, in order to guide you into doing what he wants you to do. One of the most frequent complaints I get from abused women is that their partners lie repeatedly, a form of psychological abuse that in itself can be highly destructive over time.</li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li>Getting you and the people you care about turned against each other by betraying confidences, being rude to your friends, telling people lies about what you supposedly said about them, charming your friends and then telling them bad things about you, and many other divisive tactics.</li>
</ul>
</blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
When a woman gets called “bitch,” or gets shoved or slapped, she at least knows what her partner did to her. But after a manipulative interaction she may have little idea what went wrong; she just knows that she feels terrible, or crazy, and that somehow it seems to be her own fault. </blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<b>REALITY #7: </b><b>He strives to have a good public </b><b>image. </b></blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
If you are involved with an abusive man, you may spend a lot of your time trying to figure out what is wrong with you, rather than what is wrong with him. If he gets along well with other people and impresses them with his generosity, sense of humor, and friendliness, you may wind up wondering, “What is it about me that sets him off? Other people seem to think he’s great.”</blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
They are drawn to power and control, and part of how they get it is by looking good in public. The abusive man’s charm makes his partner reluctant to reach out for support or assistance because she feels that people will find her revelations hard to believe or will blame her. If friends overhear him say something abusive, or police arrest him for an assault, his previous people-pleasing lays the groundwork to get him off the hook. The observers think, <i>He’s such a nice guy, he’s just not the type to be abusive. She must have really hurt him.</i></blockquote>
</div>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
The abuser’s nice-guy front helps him feel good about himself. My clients say to me, “I get along fine with everyone but her. You should ask around about what I’m like; you’ll see. I’m a calm, reasonable person. People can see that she’s the one who goes off.” Meanwhile, <b>he uses the difficulties that she is having in her relationships with people—many of which may be caused by him—as further proof that she is the one with the problem.</b></blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
Although these men usually keep their abusive side well hidden outside of the home, there is one situation in which it slips out: <i>when someone confronts them about their abusiveness and sticks up for the abused woman</i>, which happens to be my job. Suddenly, the attitudes and tactics they normally reserve for home come pouring out. The vast majority of women who say that they are being abused are telling the truth. I know this to be true because the abusers let their guard down with me, belying their denial. </blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<b>REALITY #8: </b><b>He feels justified. </b></blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
They don’t mind glibly saying, “I know what I did was wrong,” but when I ask them to describe their verbal or physical assaults in detail, they leap back to justifying. </blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<i>Abusive men are masters of excuse making.</i> In this respect they are like substance abusers, who believe that everyone and everything except them is responsible for their actions. When they aren’t blaming their partners, they blame stress, alcohol, their childhood, their children, their bosses, or their insecurities. More important, they feel entitled to make these excuses; when I point out that other men under the same pressures choose not to be abusive, they tend to become irate or contemptuous.</blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<b>REALITY #9: </b><b>Abusers deny and minimize their abuse.</b></blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
If the man is abusive, of course he is going to deny it, partly to protect himself and partly because his perceptions are distorted. <b>If he were ready to accept responsibility for his actions in relationships, he wouldn’t be abusive.</b></blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<b>REALITY #10: </b><b>Abusers are possessive.</b></blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
Possessiveness is at the core of the abuser’s mindset, the spring from which all the other streams spout; on some level he feels that he owns you and therefore has the right to treat you as he sees fit.</blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<b>Summary</b></blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
In other words, abuse is a problem of values, not of psychology. When someone challenges an abuser’s attitudes and beliefs, he tends to reveal the contemptuous and insulting personality that normally stays hidden, reserved for private attacks on his partner. <b>An abuser tries to keep everybody—his partner, his therapist, his friends and relatives—focused on how he <i>feels</i>, so that they won’t focus on how he <i>thinks</i>, perhaps because on some level he is aware that if you grasp the true nature of his problem, you will begin to escape his domination. </b></blockquote>
Junteihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17532069194131326024noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3354184484343612062.post-64197030856207551852014-05-27T20:01:00.001+10:002014-06-02T18:03:44.964+10:00Context and The State of ThingsHalf my posts about abuse mentality are posted, and there's a few more over the next few days to go. A few things to keep in mind...<br />
<br />
There's a lot of context surrounding recent events that is pretty important, and it's possible I'm seeing things or seeing a whole picture here that others cannot. There is no doubt in my mind that the way my friend treated me was controlling, manipulative and extremely damaging to me.<br />
<br />
Where others may see someone who tried to help me, became overwhelmed, and then needed to push me away and 'cut me off', I see a person who tried to 'Fix' me (more as a means to feeling good about himself as opposed to good intentions) and when he came to realise there was no quick solution to my problems or wasn't getting he wanted out of helping me (or perhaps changed his mind for whatever reason), his attitude towards me changed overnight into one that was dismissive, selfish, and uncaring. It was a <i>pattern</i> of silent treatment, invalidation, and shutting down any conversation he didn't like (more on that <a href="http://www.abuseandrelationships.org/Content/Behaviors/stonewalling.html" target="_blank">here</a> and <a href="http://www.abuseandrelationships.org/Content/Behaviors/subtle_control.html" target="_blank">here</a>) whenever I objected to how he treated me, especially after I asked him to not do it (I rarely set hard boundaries, but this was one for me and always will be.. AND it's easy to avoid hitting it if you take my How To on super anxious people on this blog to heart.) He promised to my face multiple times he wouldn't (but left it open that he could do what he liked if he felt okay with his behaviour). People truly sorry for hurtful behaviour would never continue it, and this is even true of those who have a hard time not hurting people unintentionally sometimes, such as those on the Autistic spectrum. If you care about the person you're in conflict with, you at least try to compromise or behave somewhat differently. He never did.<br />
<br />
As has been posted on the blog before, abusers create an alternate private reality of the state of the relationship, so once he decided I was too dependent and couldn't self-regulate things, that was that. He was right, there was no arguing against it, and the fact I tried made me in 'denial' and 'violently defensive'. The truth was that HE was no longer interested in giving me the support anymore, and decided to frame it as being my fault and my 'problems' as the cause, because obviously there could be nothing wrong with him, he was always only ever trying to do things in my best interest. Every time we argued or I confronted him, it turned into my fault, my problem, and I was just too broken to see the 'truth'. It was 100% one-sided. Any talk of his behaviour and emotions was turned around into how I affected him in a negative way.<br />
<br />
Anyway, I've talked about much of this before. But one reason I saw through it in a relatively short time and put my foot down over and over (which always was met with some form of 'punishment' from him) was because I'd just been through seven years of this sort of hurtful behaviour from the husband. I'd just <i>escaped</i> a suffocating relationship and that was difficult as anything I've ever done. When the person who was giving me a helping hand to get off my feet came along and emotionally kicked the shit out of me while I was down, it is an unspeakable level of <i>cruelty</i>. I was just beginning to crawl my way out of the deep hole I found myself in last year, one that nearly killed me multiple times. To have someone then repeat the controlling, manipulative behaviours and do it with ZERO interest in how it affected me (the husband did at least care somewhat even if I think we were caught in a very unhealthy pattern)... yeah, well, there's a reason my rage was so intense.<br />
<br />
Don't forget that this level of cruelty has only continued even since we broke off the friendship. Don't forget that <b>he gave me a chance to submit to his demands and continue our friendship, and I was the one who said, ENOUGH. </b>Yes, when I attempted to establish a civil level of communication because we have so many mutual friends and he responded by continuing to ignore I existed, I did respond angrily because <i>it hurt like shit.</i> I do not and have never wanted to re-establish communication and friendship with him. The idea that I have is just absurd to me. And if you think I ever, ever had any of the Power in our friendship, you are just fooling yourself. When I took out some of my anger on him more recently, it was just frustration at the fact he cares about how he's hurt me <b>not at all</b> and won't ever take responsibility that he has. I just was venting AT the object of my anger in the only way left to me since everything else was cut off.<br />
<br />
He's pulled the wool over his eyes of his closest friends that I would not leave him alone, because none of them have seen the side of him that I have. Because he can't silence me about the truth, he's punishing me, even after I left the state to find some sort of peace of mind about everything. Because I have 'behaved badly' but he's been silent and calm, it is easy to turn the tables on me as the bad guy. He is manipulating EVERYONE in his life as much as he has me.<br />
<br />
And I will not remain silent and I will not stop trying to educate everyone I know about who he is truly, because it is the only way I can regain control over my life and defy what he wants from me, which is to be silenced and to be intimidated by his dragging me into court with this AVO (an Australian restraining order). I'm going to fight it even though I have zero desire to have anything to do with him, because I will not let him have any say in my life any longer. He's poked me (subtly) on his public Twitter to try to enrage me further, but I won't submit to it. I know better now. I also know he is at least keeping up on mine somewhat, with stuff he's posted recently, which is really odd for someone SO desperate to have nothing to do with me. He thinks I'm a joke, he thinks I am nothing and that my pain is nothing, he thinks that he can get away with what's happened because a few close to him are indulging his delusions, he thinks he can continue to hurt me because it amuses him to do so.<br />
<br />
I won't stop until he's proven wrong.Junteihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17532069194131326024noreply@blogger.com0