Friday, March 7, 2014

The Value of a Soul

I've learned a lot over the years. Most of my lessons have been how to survive despite the odds life keeps stacking against me, and I do consider the strength I've garnered from these lessons to be extremely valuable. And, as is often the case, I'm still learning new things every moment and every day. Recently, I've been learning a lot about accepting help where others offer it and just how much love there truly is in my life. I'm learning just how lucky I am to be surrounded by some of the most amazing friends one could ask for, and how thankful I am for it.

I've spent a lot of time fighting with my mental illness and the lies it tells me. One of the most difficult things for me to accept has been the fact that there are people out there who truly care about me and my well being and would mourn my passing. Especially towards the end of last year, as my marriage fell apart, it became harder and harder to convince myself that anyone would even notice should I simply disappear one day, never to return. My illness whispered to me that I was utterly broken, unable to ever feel the love that others told me existed between me and them. It felt as if there was a black hole inside of me, sucking up all the emotions pointed my way so that I would never truly understand or experience them. No amount of logical reasoning from the healthy part of my brain could convince me otherwise.

But even within the last couple months, all of that has begun to change. I've let others in in ways I never have before, and I've experienced the assistance those around me are willing to provide when I need them most. I was worried that moving out of my dependent situation with someone to live on my own would cause me to isolate myself even further, hiding away from the world and all the things in it I find difficult to cope with sometimes. Yet, the opposite has happened, and I'm discovering new friendships, and strengthening those I've had for many years now. I understand now that people do value my friendship and enjoy spending time around me, truly. For the first time in many, many years, I feel cared for and loved. And I mean, truly feel it, in the place where I once believed nothing existed but the void that lay inside me.

2014 is very quickly becoming the year where I learn about the beauty and value in friendships, and how to accept what others have to offer me. I can only hope that 2014 is also the year where I learn to love myself, as a thank you to those who are trying so hard to do the loving of me FOR me until I can get there on my own.

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