Tuesday, April 1, 2014

Not Anymore

My rational brain is exhausted, but it understands. It has come to terms with everything and just wants to move the fuck on. Rational brain is confused as to why I'm still so unable to kick my ass into gear, only moving a half a step at a time. I have a life to live and no time for this misery bullshit.

However, emotional brain is still angry and hurt. Emotional brain is wallowing and dragging me down into that massive hole of depression which swallows me so often, but I refuse to take it out on myself anymore. I could. I want to, desperately. I held the blade in my hand, conflicted. But then I put it down again, because I deserve better.

I deserve better than someone who's unable to be honest, leaving behind wounds that take far longer to heal than the ones brutal honesty leave which disappear quickly. I deserve better than to be dismissed, disregarded, and judged for my emotions, for my illness, for the fact I'm a hugely imperfect human being. I deserve better than stubbornness to the exclusion of all else, right or wrong.

I deserve better than this shitstorm of emotions I feel inside. But they are there, and it will take time for them to go away. I'm allowed  to hurt. I'm allowed to mourn loss. I'm allowed to be angry, and I'm even allowed to do whatever wallowing my mind feels is necessary.

But I will NOT take it out on me. Not anymore.

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