I want to be the sort of strong, confident person that just doesn't care what other people think, especially since I know there's nothing I can do to make anyone see the truth. Rationally, I know I just need to focus on me, and forget about everyone who's bought into my abuser's lies.
Rationality doesn't make it all hurt less, though. Or make me less angry about what he's done.
I also know I can't just make myself snap out of this funk. Healing takes time. But I'm pretty tired of existing between the two states of either miserable or numb. Numb is still more ideal, if I can keep myself busy or distracted enough. The problem is that I can't manage it all of the time, of course. I'm also really tired of all the tears and fighting off the urges to self-harm. It's pretty exhausting.
I did have a good and much-needed session with the psychologist this week. She's treated me for 5 or 6 years now. She probably knows me better than anyone, other than myself. I think it was good to hear her reassurance that the me from earlier this year, the one who was in constant crisis and self-harming quite badly, isn't the real me at ALL. That was my abuser inside my head. I was in a super vulnerable place and he pushed all the right buttons.
Like, I know I'm an intensely anxious and reclusive person, so probably a lot of people (esp those neurotypical types) find that weird. So it's not a huge push to think that maybe the crazy, weird chick is super extra crazy. Certainly an easier leap of faith than to accept your friend has done something pretty terrible to someone else. I don't really blame anyone for falling prey to my abuser's manipulations. I know just how convincing his slippery silver tongue can be. And you can't ever have really known me as a person at all to believe I am the thing he says I am, so yeah... it's no huge loss on my side of things, really.
But it still hurts, and I am still very angry.
My psychologist asked if I felt like anything was left unresolved, and it was a very easy answer of Nooooo, definitely not. And that felt pretty good. I mean, I was really quite ragey and angry at him for a while, obviously, because he hurt me and continued to hurt me and gave zero shits about it. But I'm so grateful that the AVO stuff is settled and I can give zero fucks about his continued existence. All of my lingering emotions mostly centre around how easy it was for him to turn many people against me. I think getting over that will just take some time.
I guess I am kind of angry about people taking his side, even if I don't really blame them. I mean, this whole situation is just so fucked up, anyway. I guess it's the final insult, on top of everything else he's done to me.. because that is pretty much just how these things go.
Jokes on me thinking people would care more about someone abusing me as opposed to my anger at being abused by someone. Not like any of them bothered to ask me if I actually cared about having him back in my life (a. NO b. I told him to fuck off, not the other way around? Seriously, people), or asked me why I was so angry (to be fair, I was still confused on this point for a while), or even stopped to think about how unusual it was for me to even be so angry in the first place (have you met me..? If you haven't, fine, but I don't really do anger).
Enh, whatever. I've done my ranting.. there's no point continuing. I can run myself round in circles all day getting worked up over everything, but I know shouldn't bother. But this is my life.. this is kind of all it is right now, just... aftermath. A whole lot of emotional chaos and nothing that can fix it but time.
Because even if everyone who's been sucked in by my abuser's masterful pity performance suddenly changed their mind and realised I was right, etc. etc.... it still wouldn't magically heal what's been left behind. I still have wounds and I still have scars simply because one person went on a power trip with my life and my well being.
So yeah, I have a lot of strong emotions going on at any given time, and I know they won't simply go away. But even though it's still a struggle now, I also realise that it will get better and all these things will eventually pass, and someday I will be the strong, confident person I want to be... because I've survived and I'm still surviving, with the help of some very real and healthy friendships. Y'know, the kind that don't hurt and feel super shitty all the time.
I can get better, but the fact my abuser has 'gotten away' with mistreating me means that he will not. I'd much rather be my weird, emotional, anxious self with all the conscious and empathy of a good person than to live my life capable of such cruelty. I guess, in the end, the joke's on him, because at least I can learn from what happened and be a much stronger person for it. I can escape him and his influence, but he is stuck with himself forever, and living your life having to dominate and 'win' at everything is a very lonely place to be.
Showing posts with label haters gonna hate. Show all posts
Showing posts with label haters gonna hate. Show all posts
Thursday, July 10, 2014
Friday, April 29, 2011
Health, Body Image, Dieting, and Intentions: A Rant
So, this is what I was thinking about to myself when I thought I should probably start a blog. I have a very big pet peeve about how people react when I say, "I want to be healthy." 98.2% of the time (scientifically proven!), this phrase will be interpreted as: I want to lose weight and, therefore, become skinny. Implied in this interpretation is my intention to diet. I really, really hate the D word. It is a wrong and evil thought process that is all tangled up with distorted body image, starvation, and fake healthiness. It is the opposite of my goals.
Let's start by discussing how being "healthy" is wrongly perceived as an intention to lose weight. Yes, if I ate better and exercised regularly, I would lose weight. I realise I am not at a healthy weight for my size currently, and there are certainly changes I can make to fix that. But the error is in making that the GOAL. It is a side benefit. My GOAL is to make changes to my life and my habits that will have a positive impact on my health. I am a very sedentary person. I have very sedentary hobbies. Getting up every day and going for a walk would show marked improvement on my energy levels, strength, endurance, heart function, etc. It would make me a healthier person. It may also make me lose a few kilos. Well, that's cool! I'm totally okay with that. Burning off fat and building up muscles through exercise is a very healthy thing to do for yourself, and it will improve my quality of life. If losing weight were my GOAL, the fact I only lost 5 kilos instead of 10 would make the effort feel pointless. It wouldn't be good enough and I'd be failing my goal. It puts me into a negative headspace rather than enjoying the effects of implementing a healthier lifestyle for myself. Speaking from experience about negative headspaces, I really don't want that. I want to be happier, healthier, and living my life in a way that still pleases me.
This leads into the reason why I HATE DIETING. It is evil evil evil evil. Dieting is temporary. Dieting is about deprivation and making yourself miserable to achieve an unhealthy goal. Dieting is about treating your body terribly to achieve the semblance of good health through weight loss. It doesn't promote healthy habits, actual lifestyle changes, or permanent improvements for the better. It certainly does not encourage healthy thinking, which is just as important in the battle for good health as exercise and eating your veggies. When I say I want to be healthy, I mean that I want to create good habits for myself, thus altering my lifestyle for the better. Most of all, when I talk about altering my lifestyle, I sure as hell mean that it will still be something I enjoy. I like food. I like eating delicious food A LOT. Sometimes this means fast food and takeaway, but just as often it means a tasty bowl of veggies or a really well-cooked bit of meat and something on the side. I love healthy foods just as much as I love unhealthy ones. As long as I'm avoiding fast food, really, my eating habits aren't that terrible. And I certainly don't have it in me to deprive myself of something to the extent I am sad, miserable, and a tiny bit thinner. I definitely can change the balance of what I eat. A little less fatty meat. More fruits and veggies. Go a bit lighter on the cheese. Save desserts and fast food for sometimes meals. These are all habits I can implement in my life without drastically affecting my mental wellbeing. It is not a DIET. It is not temporary, so that I can go back to being my old piggy self later. It is not starving myself of delicious things for quick results. It is about changing my eating habits for good, and more importantly, for the better. I still will get the tasty things in life, cause god knows life is too short to go without chocolate. Do I need it often? More than once a week? Certainly not. And here is the bottom line of this entire rant: any changes I make will be ones I can stick with. Because if I can't, then they aren't real changes, are they? They aren't going to have any positive, long-term effects. I know this is a lot of common sense, but it's important to me that "getting healthy" be associated with how you actually live your life, not flash-in-the-pan evil evil evil diets that get you nowhere. I could eat 1200 calories a day for months and lose quite a few kilos, but would I learn anything necessarily? No, I'd probably go back to my old eating habits and put all the weight back on the minute I decided enough was enough. Much better to fill your house with fruits, so when you want a snack, you grab an apple instead of the potato chips. Better to put a heaping scoop of veggies on your plate and a little less buttery mash, so you fill up with something a bit healthier. These are real life changes. I may never weigh only 50 kilos, but if I live a bit longer and happier, then that's okay by me.
And this brings us to our last topic: body image. There is much to be said on the subject, and many good things already have been said by people far smarter and more opinionated than me. But it ties everything together, because at the root of all the assumptions that I want to "lose weight" and that I'm "going on a diet" is that I am unhappy with my body image and aspire to the, frankly, unhealthy proportions that society deems acceptable. I have been a short, curvy, chubbier-than-most sort of girl my entire life. Even at my skinniest, I've had wider hips than a lot of girls my height. I am heavier than I'd like to be right now, and I'm only human. I certainly think back on when I could fit into my tinier pieces of clothing with fondness. But that doesn't mean I want to be "skinny" or even significantly thinner than I am now. I wear clothes I am comfortable in and, other than being a bit inbetween "normal" and "plus" sizes, thus making shopping somewhat difficult, I have come to terms with my shape and size. Pants are often too long if they are anywhere near big enough to fit my hips. Shirts that accommodate my chest are loose on my arms and waist. Even 10 kilos lighter, I will have those same problems. I've lived with them all my life. I probably will like how I look better if I were healthier with thinner thighs and a smaller gut. That doesn't mean I need a flat stomach to be happy. If I am healthier, eating well but in a way I want and exercising regularly to combat my sedentary lifestyle, then I will feel better. If I'm doing it right, I get the extra benefit of losing a bit of chub. But I'm luckier than most in that I'm ok with my shape and, honestly, if I didn't lose much extra chub but I felt healthier anyway, I'd be TOTALLY OK with that. You, out there in society, may look at me and see a short fat chick. You might not find me attractive. That's ok, not everyone will. By society's terms, I'm not conventionally attractive! But everyone has different tastes and opinions, and yes, I'm lucky I married a man who loves me whatever size I come in. Most importantly, I'm ok with me. Please stop implying that I'm not.
Let's start by discussing how being "healthy" is wrongly perceived as an intention to lose weight. Yes, if I ate better and exercised regularly, I would lose weight. I realise I am not at a healthy weight for my size currently, and there are certainly changes I can make to fix that. But the error is in making that the GOAL. It is a side benefit. My GOAL is to make changes to my life and my habits that will have a positive impact on my health. I am a very sedentary person. I have very sedentary hobbies. Getting up every day and going for a walk would show marked improvement on my energy levels, strength, endurance, heart function, etc. It would make me a healthier person. It may also make me lose a few kilos. Well, that's cool! I'm totally okay with that. Burning off fat and building up muscles through exercise is a very healthy thing to do for yourself, and it will improve my quality of life. If losing weight were my GOAL, the fact I only lost 5 kilos instead of 10 would make the effort feel pointless. It wouldn't be good enough and I'd be failing my goal. It puts me into a negative headspace rather than enjoying the effects of implementing a healthier lifestyle for myself. Speaking from experience about negative headspaces, I really don't want that. I want to be happier, healthier, and living my life in a way that still pleases me.
This leads into the reason why I HATE DIETING. It is evil evil evil evil. Dieting is temporary. Dieting is about deprivation and making yourself miserable to achieve an unhealthy goal. Dieting is about treating your body terribly to achieve the semblance of good health through weight loss. It doesn't promote healthy habits, actual lifestyle changes, or permanent improvements for the better. It certainly does not encourage healthy thinking, which is just as important in the battle for good health as exercise and eating your veggies. When I say I want to be healthy, I mean that I want to create good habits for myself, thus altering my lifestyle for the better. Most of all, when I talk about altering my lifestyle, I sure as hell mean that it will still be something I enjoy. I like food. I like eating delicious food A LOT. Sometimes this means fast food and takeaway, but just as often it means a tasty bowl of veggies or a really well-cooked bit of meat and something on the side. I love healthy foods just as much as I love unhealthy ones. As long as I'm avoiding fast food, really, my eating habits aren't that terrible. And I certainly don't have it in me to deprive myself of something to the extent I am sad, miserable, and a tiny bit thinner. I definitely can change the balance of what I eat. A little less fatty meat. More fruits and veggies. Go a bit lighter on the cheese. Save desserts and fast food for sometimes meals. These are all habits I can implement in my life without drastically affecting my mental wellbeing. It is not a DIET. It is not temporary, so that I can go back to being my old piggy self later. It is not starving myself of delicious things for quick results. It is about changing my eating habits for good, and more importantly, for the better. I still will get the tasty things in life, cause god knows life is too short to go without chocolate. Do I need it often? More than once a week? Certainly not. And here is the bottom line of this entire rant: any changes I make will be ones I can stick with. Because if I can't, then they aren't real changes, are they? They aren't going to have any positive, long-term effects. I know this is a lot of common sense, but it's important to me that "getting healthy" be associated with how you actually live your life, not flash-in-the-pan evil evil evil diets that get you nowhere. I could eat 1200 calories a day for months and lose quite a few kilos, but would I learn anything necessarily? No, I'd probably go back to my old eating habits and put all the weight back on the minute I decided enough was enough. Much better to fill your house with fruits, so when you want a snack, you grab an apple instead of the potato chips. Better to put a heaping scoop of veggies on your plate and a little less buttery mash, so you fill up with something a bit healthier. These are real life changes. I may never weigh only 50 kilos, but if I live a bit longer and happier, then that's okay by me.
And this brings us to our last topic: body image. There is much to be said on the subject, and many good things already have been said by people far smarter and more opinionated than me. But it ties everything together, because at the root of all the assumptions that I want to "lose weight" and that I'm "going on a diet" is that I am unhappy with my body image and aspire to the, frankly, unhealthy proportions that society deems acceptable. I have been a short, curvy, chubbier-than-most sort of girl my entire life. Even at my skinniest, I've had wider hips than a lot of girls my height. I am heavier than I'd like to be right now, and I'm only human. I certainly think back on when I could fit into my tinier pieces of clothing with fondness. But that doesn't mean I want to be "skinny" or even significantly thinner than I am now. I wear clothes I am comfortable in and, other than being a bit inbetween "normal" and "plus" sizes, thus making shopping somewhat difficult, I have come to terms with my shape and size. Pants are often too long if they are anywhere near big enough to fit my hips. Shirts that accommodate my chest are loose on my arms and waist. Even 10 kilos lighter, I will have those same problems. I've lived with them all my life. I probably will like how I look better if I were healthier with thinner thighs and a smaller gut. That doesn't mean I need a flat stomach to be happy. If I am healthier, eating well but in a way I want and exercising regularly to combat my sedentary lifestyle, then I will feel better. If I'm doing it right, I get the extra benefit of losing a bit of chub. But I'm luckier than most in that I'm ok with my shape and, honestly, if I didn't lose much extra chub but I felt healthier anyway, I'd be TOTALLY OK with that. You, out there in society, may look at me and see a short fat chick. You might not find me attractive. That's ok, not everyone will. By society's terms, I'm not conventionally attractive! But everyone has different tastes and opinions, and yes, I'm lucky I married a man who loves me whatever size I come in. Most importantly, I'm ok with me. Please stop implying that I'm not.
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