I'm Not Okay Right Now, But I Will Be (Someday)

I want to be the sort of strong, confident person that just doesn't care what other people think, especially since I know there's nothing I can do to make anyone see the truth. Rationally, I know I just need to focus on me, and forget about everyone who's bought into my abuser's lies.

Rationality doesn't make it all hurt less, though. Or make me less angry about what he's done.

I also know I can't just make myself snap out of this funk. Healing takes time. But I'm pretty tired of existing between the two states of either miserable or numb. Numb is still more ideal, if I can keep myself busy or distracted enough. The problem is that I can't manage it all of the time, of course. I'm also really tired of all the tears and fighting off the urges to self-harm. It's pretty exhausting.

I did have a good and much-needed session with the psychologist this week. She's treated me for 5 or 6 years now. She probably knows me better than anyone, other than myself. I think it was good to hear her reassurance that the me from earlier this year, the one who was in constant crisis and self-harming quite badly, isn't the real me at ALL. That was my abuser inside my head. I was in a super vulnerable place and he pushed all the right buttons.

Like, I know I'm an intensely anxious and reclusive person, so probably a lot of people (esp those neurotypical types) find that weird. So it's not a huge push to think that maybe the crazy, weird chick is super extra crazy. Certainly an easier leap of faith than to accept your friend has done something pretty terrible to someone else. I don't really blame anyone for falling prey to my abuser's manipulations. I know just how convincing his slippery silver tongue can be. And you can't ever have really known me as a person at all to believe I am the thing he says I am, so yeah... it's no huge loss on my side of things, really.

But it still hurts, and I am still very angry.

My psychologist asked if I felt like anything was left unresolved, and it was a very easy answer of Nooooo, definitely not. And that felt pretty good. I mean, I was really quite ragey and angry at him for a while, obviously, because he hurt me and continued to hurt me and gave zero shits about it. But I'm so grateful that the AVO stuff is settled and I can give zero fucks about his continued existence. All of my lingering emotions mostly centre around how easy it was for him to turn many people against me. I think getting over that will just take some time.

I guess I am kind of angry about people taking his side, even if I don't really blame them. I mean, this whole situation is just so fucked up, anyway. I guess it's the final insult, on top of everything else he's done to me.. because that is pretty much just how these things go.

Jokes on me thinking people would care more about someone abusing me as opposed to my anger at being abused by someone. Not like any of them bothered to ask me if I actually cared about having him back in my life (a. NO b. I told him to fuck off, not the other way around? Seriously, people), or asked me why I was so angry (to be fair, I was still confused on this point for a while), or even stopped to think about how unusual it was for me to even be so angry in the first place (have you met me..? If you haven't, fine, but I don't really do anger).

Enh, whatever. I've done my ranting.. there's no point continuing. I can run myself round in circles all day getting worked up over everything, but I know shouldn't bother. But this is my life.. this is kind of all it is right now, just... aftermath. A whole lot of emotional chaos and nothing that can fix it but time.

Because even if everyone who's been sucked in by my abuser's masterful pity performance suddenly changed their mind and realised I was right, etc. etc.... it still wouldn't magically heal what's been left behind. I still have wounds and I still have scars simply because one person went on a power trip with my life and my well being.

So yeah, I have a lot of strong emotions going on at any given time, and I know they won't simply go away. But even though it's still a struggle now, I also realise that it will get better and all these things will eventually pass, and someday I will be the strong, confident person I want to be... because I've survived and I'm still surviving, with the help of some very real and healthy friendships. Y'know, the kind that don't hurt and feel super shitty all the time.

I can get better, but the fact my abuser has 'gotten away' with mistreating me means that he will not. I'd much rather be my weird, emotional, anxious self with all the conscious and empathy of a good person than to live my life capable of such cruelty. I guess, in the end, the joke's on him, because at least I can learn from what happened and be a much stronger person for it. I can escape him and his influence, but he is stuck with himself forever, and living your life having to dominate and 'win' at everything is a very lonely place to be.

I Wish This Contentment Could Last Forever

It's 1am, I slept for aaaaages (which I so needed after weeks and weeks of severe insomnia), I'm working on some writing, listening to music, and for once, I'm smiling. I feel great for the first time in so long, I think I forgot how nice contentment can be.

Monday in court went even better than expected. It was terrifying and stressful, but I had support there the entire time. I'm so thankful for the calming presence of my friends. I won't go into details, but I was able to receive help from the Domestic Violence Representatives program on the day, and they were amazing. Perfect, really. Basically, I agreed to a thing I wanted to do anyway and my abuser agreed to withdraw the AVO. I wish I knew what the lawyer said to him. I wish this was a solution to all of life's problems, too. So ideal.

IT'S OVER. I'm so thankful and so grateful for everyone who has given support or even just the simplest note of sympathy. Every bit has truly helped. I'm especially thankful for the amazing friends I got to see on Sunday, because it was such the perfect pick me up before dealing with court. Maybe it's a small thing, but even just hearing their outrage and support in person, and how much they understood my actions (despite the anger and intensity)... yeah, it felt really great. I managed to sleep that night, which is the real sign of how much it helped. I expected to be up all night before court dreading it. So much love to you all. <3

So yeah, I feel as if I can finally breathe, as if a huge weight has been lifted from my life. And I survived! I survived a lot of very scary, intense emotions and dealing with some very trying events the first half of this year which came right after last year's stress of the marriage falling apart, etc. AND I've survived it all while making it past three months clean from self-harm. I think, I think I'm allowed to be very proud of myself.

There was a Me at one point in time who would have just run away from it all, who would have stayed silent and accepted that sometimes people just treat you badly, who would have tried to self-destruct instead of attempting to cope, and obviously that Me is still in there, somewhere. I wanted to do all of those things at various points in time. I really wanted everything to simply Go Away so badly. But these days I know that life just doesn't work that way, and sometimes things are really difficult, but it's worth it to hang onto whatever is important to you. In this case, it's been my health, my independence, and this life I've built for me in my home away from home.

I've lost some friends along the way, and I'm sad for that, of course. I didn't want it to happen the way it has, but it's nothing personal and I don't hate anyone. Also I feel that I know who to focus on building stronger friendships with, and that it has been a hard and important lesson. And I hope to find other, new friends too. It's a big city. There's a lot of awesome people I haven't met yet, I'm sure.

Most importantly, it can only go up from here, as far as I'm concerned. I'm going to make a concerted effort to keep fighting this stupid mental illness and figuring out whatever it is that is making me physically ill. I'm going to take a uni course next semester and get that going again. I'm going to keep working on my writing and submitting it for contests or publication. I'm going to spend time focusing on others over all the time I spend inside my own head (I'm pretty sick of it in there). I also hope to get back to volunteering once a week, too. I've fought hard for this life, with the help of a lot of people who love me. Now it's finally time to make it into the one I want to live.

Closing a Chapter

Today was a pretty good day. I got some stuff done, made some tasty food, and then relaxed and watched a good movie, all on a few hours of sleep. It's the first truly functional day I've had in a while, and it feels great.

The only thing that's really changed, other than being tired of being a broken, blobby houseslug, is that I decided that there was no real point in sitting on the apology I wrote a while back to my friend who I am no longer speaking to, so I sent it along to him. I rewrote the damn thing a bunch of times, and I'm glad I did, because it was important to me to accept responsibility for the things I truly felt regret for without taking on the blame and guilt of the entire mess. Simply, it's because I don't feel like I did anything wrong except for when I reacted pretty badly to a lot of hurt and anger. And, well, I'm human, mental illness or no. Strong emotions tend to make you do stupid shit sometimes.

I wrote it for me more than for him, though I'm genuinely apologetic. I don't even know if he read it, and I give about zero fucks if he did or not. He's still not a person I want in my life, and too stubborn and prideful to admit he did anything wrong (or too ashamed? I don't really know), but I would be pretty surprised if I ever got an apology back. Even if I did, I don't know how I'd react. There's a bit too much betrayal there for me to forgive it completely, I think. (See my writing blog: Trust. I wish that wasn't where I was at, but it's pretty accurate to how I feel about the whole thing, even if I exaggerated the evil intent. Probably.) But I don't hate him. I think he acted a lot out of fear and self-preservation, which is something I understand pretty well. And he did truly care about me at one point, and helped me a lot at a time I needed it... so no, I don't hate him. No, none of that excuses him treating me pretty poorly and all the hurt he caused, but, in the end, I'm not the sort to hold onto hate and resentment for too long.

So, I've mourned the loss of the amazing friendship I had, however briefly. I've wallowed in my misery and hurt feelings and anger. I've spent the time I needed to rage and cry and let it all spin around in my head until it drove me mad. And now I'm truly, honestly done. I said my last piece, as succinctly and plainly as I could, and I hope the door to that part of my life stays shut for good.

There's one decision, one moment I do truly regret, because it may have salvaged what was good before it was too late. When he first pulled away, before he knew that was a trigger and thought it was the best decision at that moment, and when I had first expressed the need for space and time to sort out my complex feelings (*cough*)... just before everything spiralled into chaos, I let fear make a decision for me. To be fair, I was triggered pretty badly by something he couldn't have foreseen would have that effect, and it scared me shitless and put me in such a high state of anxiety that I'm not sure I could have chosen otherwise in that moment. Even before then, I was pretty terrified basically all the time. I barely managed the move out of my marriage and into a new apartment and new life with a lot of help from others. I was a pretty broken wreck by that point and I'd spent 7 years being mostly dependent. The thought of being on my own filled me with large amounts of dread. So yeah, the thought of losing even part of the close friendship I'd found was unthinkable, and I panicked.

No, I don't think I could have made the 'right' decision, the one which agreed that space was a good idea, but I regret what I did choose... and that was absolute, raw honesty. I let him in to the scary places in my head and trusted him when he reassured me, time and again, that I couldn't break what we had. True trust is something very precious to me, and as such, there are a very few, specific people I let in beyond the thickest of my walls. At that point, it was four people total, and now it is three. And I let him in further than anyone else previously, even the husband. When it became evident that we weren't as unbreakable as he said, I still trusted him, because not to do so beyond that point was too devastating. And it was when everything finally, and inevitably, fell apart beyond repair.

You'd think having your marriage fall apart after realising it was a toxic situation you needed to break free from and moving out on your own while too ill to work would be enough stress for the year/decade/lifetime, but no... being betrayed so completely by someone you left yourself so very vulnerable to, well, that's just the icing on the cake I needed this year. But I finally understand why it's taken me so long to process, adjust, cope, and finally pull myself back up once again. This shit just needed time to sort itself out inside my head.

And I'm pretty grateful and proud that I'm still here, that this hasn't broken me completely, cause it wouldn't be unreasonable if it did. But, if nothing else, years of coping with my mental illness has taught me a lot of resilience. You fail and fall down enough times, you get pretty used to picking yourself back up, too. And I've made it to 41 days clean from self-harm. You can't be too broken if you aren't self-destructive. Not that I haven't been tempted a lot, but I know it won't help anything except add to my collection of scars. Even in this last couple weeks of extremely depressed blobbiness, there's been a small voice within me forcing me to keep pushing, to move forward, and to survive. I'm finally free to live my life the way that makes me truly happy, so I know it would be silly to give up now, no matter how awful I feel.

And so, I close one door behind me and open another. No more looking back. I'm still only just beginning.

The Value of a Soul

I've learned a lot over the years. Most of my lessons have been how to survive despite the odds life keeps stacking against me, and I do consider the strength I've garnered from these lessons to be extremely valuable. And, as is often the case, I'm still learning new things every moment and every day. Recently, I've been learning a lot about accepting help where others offer it and just how much love there truly is in my life. I'm learning just how lucky I am to be surrounded by some of the most amazing friends one could ask for, and how thankful I am for it.

I've spent a lot of time fighting with my mental illness and the lies it tells me. One of the most difficult things for me to accept has been the fact that there are people out there who truly care about me and my well being and would mourn my passing. Especially towards the end of last year, as my marriage fell apart, it became harder and harder to convince myself that anyone would even notice should I simply disappear one day, never to return. My illness whispered to me that I was utterly broken, unable to ever feel the love that others told me existed between me and them. It felt as if there was a black hole inside of me, sucking up all the emotions pointed my way so that I would never truly understand or experience them. No amount of logical reasoning from the healthy part of my brain could convince me otherwise.

But even within the last couple months, all of that has begun to change. I've let others in in ways I never have before, and I've experienced the assistance those around me are willing to provide when I need them most. I was worried that moving out of my dependent situation with someone to live on my own would cause me to isolate myself even further, hiding away from the world and all the things in it I find difficult to cope with sometimes. Yet, the opposite has happened, and I'm discovering new friendships, and strengthening those I've had for many years now. I understand now that people do value my friendship and enjoy spending time around me, truly. For the first time in many, many years, I feel cared for and loved. And I mean, truly feel it, in the place where I once believed nothing existed but the void that lay inside me.

2014 is very quickly becoming the year where I learn about the beauty and value in friendships, and how to accept what others have to offer me. I can only hope that 2014 is also the year where I learn to love myself, as a thank you to those who are trying so hard to do the loving of me FOR me until I can get there on my own.