Tactics of Manipulative Control

I'm posting this list on the blog because it's such a good summary. I'm stealing it from this Tumblr post, but the source of the information is a great book I think I've mentioned before, "In Sheep's Clothing" by George K. Simon. I experienced nearly all of these from my abuser.

Minimizing: Turning mountains into molehills (the character disordered and/or perpetrators do this; neurotics do the opposite). He trivializes the nature of his wrong doing. He tries to convince you that you would be wrong to conclude that his behavior is as wrong as he knows you suspect. 

Lying: Omission, distortion. Your abuser/manipulator will stop at nothing to get what he wants; therefore, you can and should expect him to lie. They have refined lying to an art. He will withhold a significant amount of the truth from you, or distort essential elements of the truth, to keep you in the dark. He uses smooth, calculated omissions to deceive you. 

Denial: “Who Me?” He poses as the humble servant. Your aggressor refuses to admit he’s done something harmful or hurtful when he clearly has. This “Who Me?” tactic invites the victim, you, to feel unjustified in confronting the aggressor about the inappropriateness of a behavior. It’s also a way for him to give himself permission to keep right on doing what he wants to do. He uses this maneuver to get you to back off, back down or maybe even feel guilty for insinuating he’s doing something wrong. 

Selective Inattention: Refusal to pay attention to anything that might distract him from pursuing his agenda. He actively ignores your warnings, pleas or wishes and refuses to pay attention to everything or anything that might distract him from going after what he wants. 

Rationalization: Excuses. Justifications. A rationalization is an excuse your aggressor/abuser makes for engaging in what he knows is an inappropriate or harmful behavior. This can be very effective, especially when he makes just enough sense that any reasonably conscientious person is likely to fall for it. If he can convince you he is justified in whatever he’s doing, then he is freer to pursue his goals without interference. He will often use shame and guilt to coerce you into buying his rationalizations / excuses / justifications. 

Diversion: Distraction. Changing the subject. Dodging the issue. Throw you a curve ball. A moving target is hard to hit. When you try to pin your manipulator down or keep a discussion focused on a single issue or behavior you don’t like, he is expert at changing the subject, distracting, dodging and throwing curves. He utilizes this maneuver to keep the focus off his behavior, move you off track, keep you off balance and maintain his freedom to promote his self-serving hidden agenda. Confronting a manipulator is like trying to nail Jello to a wall. 

Evasion: Your manipulator uses vagueness to avoid being cornered on an issue by giving rambling, irrelevant responses to a direct question. He deliberately uses vagueness to confuse you, to make you think you have an answer when you don’t. When he is not responding directly to an issue, you can safely assume he is trying to give you the slip. 

Covert Intimidation: This is your abuser’s use of veiled threats to keep you, his victim, anxious, apprehensive and one down. The abuser is adept at countering arguments with such passion and intensity that he effectively throws you on the defensive. A manipulator primarily intimidates you by making veiled threats. This way he can threaten you without appearing overtly hostile and aggressive. 

Guilt Tripping: “How could you think that of me??!” “How could you doubt me?!” Your manipulator keeps you self-doubting, anxious and submissive. This is one of your aggressor’s two favorite weapons, the other is shaming. Aggressive personalities know that others have very different consciences than they have. They also know that the hallmark qualities of a sound conscience are the capacities for guilt and shame. Your manipulator is skilled at using what he knows to be a greater conscientiousness in you, his victim, as a means of keeping you in that anxious, submissive state where you doubt yourself and your perceptions. All your manipulator has to do is suggest to you that you don’t care or that you’re being selfish or cruel [in finally calling them on their abuse] and you immediately start to feel bad. Whereas you can try until you’re blue in the face to get your manipulator to feel remorse for his hurtful behavior, acknowledge responsibility and admit wrong doing, to absolutely no avail. 

Shaming: Your abuser uses subtle sarcasm and put downs as a means of increasing fear and self-doubt in you. He shames you to make you feel inadequate and unworthy so you will defer to his dominant position. 

Victim Stancing: He plays the victim role to gain sympathy, evoke compassion in order to get something from you. He also uses this to play a false one down position to you in order to disarm you. If your manipulator can convince you that he’s suffering, then you, being a caring, sensitive soul, will want to relieve his distress. 

Vilifying the Victim: Your abuser makes it appear that he is merely responding to and defending himself against YOUR aggression, making you, the victim, feel like the villain while he masks his aggressive intent and behavior. 

Servant Role: Your manipulator cloaks his self-serving agendas in the guise of service to a noble cause; he pretends to work nobly on your behalf while concealing his own desire for power and dominance. One hallmark of a covert aggressive personality is he will loudly profess his subservience while fighting for dominance. 

Seduction: He charms, praises, flatters you and overtly supports you to get you to lower your defenses and surrender your trust and loyalty. Your manipulator is particularly aware that to the extent you are emotionally needy or dependent (that is, vulnerable, which everyone is to some extent), you will desire approval and reassurance and a sense of being valued and needed above anything. Appearing to be attentive to these needs can be his ticket to incredible power over you. He melts any resistance you might have to giving him your loyalty and confidence. He does this by giving you what he knows you need most. You don’t find out how important you really are to him until you turn out to be in his way. 

Blame Shifting (Projecting the blame onto you): Your aggressor is always looking for ways to shift the blame for his abusive behavior away from himself. He is expert at finding scapegoats in subtle, hard to detect ways. His willingness to blame you for his abusive behavior is in itself an abusive act. At the very moment he is engaging in the use of this tactic or any other he is in the act of aggressing. 

Feigning Innocence: He attempts to convince you that any harm he may have caused you was unintentional or that he really didn’t do what he’s being accused of. This makes you question your judgment and sanity and to doubt your right to call him on his abusive behavior. He adroitly uses the look of surprise or indignation, or the sudden gasp at being so accused. 

Feigning Confusion: Your abuser acts like he doesn’t know what you’re talking about or is confused about the issue you’re bringing. Plays ‘dumb’ to get you to question your perceptions, sanity, etc… 

Brandishing Anger: Calculated, deliberate display of anger he may or may not feel in order to intimidate, coerce and manipulate. 

When somebody uses these tactics frequently, you not only know what kind of character you’re dealing with (covert aggressors, manipulators, abusers, Narcissists, Anti-Socials, Borderline Personalities, etc…) but precisely because the tactics are both tools of manipulation as well as manifestations of resistance to change, you also know that he will engage in his problematic behaviors again. You can give up your fantasy that in time he will change and things will be different. Nothing will change until he decides to stop fighting and start accepting. As long as he’s engaged in utilizing these tactics, it’s clear he doesn’t intend to change. 

In Sheep’s Clothing, by George K. Simon, p. 96-112 

Freedom’s NOTE: And of course, with an abuser, especially a “professional” abuser, it is never appropriate to hang around in the abusive relationship hoping he will change. The point in the paragraph above is that as long as he’s aggressing, he has no intent to change. Realizing this could prove helpful to us in letting go of more denial about the abusiveness in the relationship and any hope we may have of reconciling with the abuser and picking up where we left off: namely, being abused by him again but calling it ‘love.’

Breaking Things Down (Part 1)

This is something I've wanted to do for a while, but finding the energy and brain space is tough. I'm going to try and talk about the communications I received from my abuser while we were still friends in the context of abusive mentality and abuser dynamics, because I think it's important to understand that subtle or otherwise, these things come up all the time in our interactions with others... but being blinded by reasons and justifications doesn't make any of it okay. I've posted a lot of what he and I both said in this previous blog post (linked for all necessary context), so I'm not going to reproduce everything here.

Email 1:

There really isn't much to say from my part that I haven't already communicated to you. The only problem I had that personally affected /me/ was the stress (in the context of already being stressed) that I was feeling because I felt like all my options regarding you, you're health, and our friendship, were in some way massively deficient.

This seems reasonable on the surface, but it's a twisty way to get the focus OFF him and back onto me, by denying and ignoring things not related to his agenda. Though he had established himself as a carer/support person, it's still disturbing he is alluding to the idea that he needs to 'fix' me and/or us in some way. Relationships of all sorts need to be a two way street.

You do have a problem with self-regulation, because you (self-admittedly) react in ways when anxiety/emotional brained that when you calm down you understand were not helpful/in your best interest, etc.

By "self-admittedly" he's referring to the fact that I was already gaslighted at this point to take on the burden of guilt for everything going wrong. To be fair, it wasn't a huge push.. my anxiety and depression do already make me think that I'm a "burden" and "difficult to deal with", etc. Plus, it plays on the societal acceptance of the idea that rational=good and emotional=bad, something abusers use to their advantage all the time. My abuser particularly was covert aggressive (good description of this type of abuse lives here) or (as described in this blog post) a Water Torturer type abuser. Basically, this means he stays calm and in control at all times while provoking emotional responses from the target, thus being able to claim they are "overreacting" and "irrational", etc. to invalidate their emotions.

And you do have a problem with dependence, which, other than being observable, you've said as much yourself when you've calmed down.

 Look, this doesn't even explain a damn thing, which goes to show just how much of a gaslighting lie it was. "Being observable" is not actual evidence of anything, neither is the fact I admitted to it at any point (because... gaslighted). What he really disagreed with was now that I trusted him and accepted him as my main source of support, it was unacceptable to expect ANYthing from him that he did not want to give... and since I did expect him to actually give a shit about me and got angry when his behaviour showed otherwise, it was obviously asking too much. 

Now, whilst I accept my part in not being vigilant enough in trying to help you, to not let it become a dependence thing, the communication was /impossible/ until after you spoke to [REDACTED] on Wednesday. Because you were both in denial about the problem and quite defensive/hostile about it. 

Basically, I disagreed with him and therefore I was in denial and hostile. This is an attack designed to put me on the defensive. By putting the burden on me once again as the one with the problem, I'm pushed to either accept his views or at least have to continue defending myself (probably with some anger at the accusation), which would allow him to again call me "unreasonable". He also would often consult with friends about things between us to subtly prime them to agree with his view that I was overreacting or wrong in some way, so that when I spoke to others for outside viewpoints, it was assured I would be led back to his thinking and more likely to succumb to his control. I don't think he outright would say, 'I am right, she is being emotional and is wrong', but I do think he often played off, again, unwritten social rules. In this case, it's partially that being overly emotional is a 'bad' thing and also that he had to keep distancing himself from me because I was 'too much' (Mmm, mental illness stigma).

So whilst I accept that non-communication might be triggering for you, I do not feel responsible for being the trigger. Nor, given the context, do I think it's fair of you to try to tell me I'm responsible for.

Huge red flag. People who actually care about how they are affecting you do not tell you they are not responsible for the harm caused. Even hurting someone inadvertently, most of us would apologise for what happened, because it sucks to hurt a friend and you try not to do it ever again. Abusers, however, never ever take responsibility for their actions and their effects. It is a major thing that MAKES someone an abuser.  (see #9 in this post). And not only does he not care that his behaviour was causing me some massive and stressful anxiety (after I had set it as a hard boundary between us), but he then again turns the guilt and blame BACK onto me to make me feel bad I brought it up in the first place.

Now, if after calming down and maybe talking to [REDACTED] or [REDACTED] you realise that much of what you've just said was in no small way disturbing, I'm happy to ignore it. Either way I haven't taken it personally, or let it impact how I feel about you.

He's Very Kindly (sarcasm ahoy) forgiving me for being angry at him about him causing me a lot of undue stress and anxiety. How very nice and big of him. How very manipulative.

However, until you get perspective on the situation from a third party I'm not going to discuss this further with you.

And he ends with a good dose of stonewalling, or shutting down any further communication on the topic so that a resolution or compromise (other than accepting his views) cannot be reached. It's used to retain control of the situation and frustrate the person on the other side, and is another huge red flag when it comes to attempting to have a healthy relationship with someone.

Email 2:

Look. You are going to calm down at some point, maybe vent your shit at someone or whatever. Then you are going to freak out because you will think you've just destroyed our friendship. It's a pattern. And I like to think I have a pretty damn high tolerance for that kind of thing. But you are walking on very thin ice, tracing the circumference of my no drama policy.

 Let us begin with a threat. The cycle did keep repeating itself, because abuse is a cycle, and there would always be some way he'd try to control me that pushed just a little too far, so I'd get angry at him. Then the gaslighting and self-blame would kick in and I'd go crawling back, asking for forgiveness since it was the only way to keep things status quo between us. This is how abuse works (the only thing he didn't do was get violent with me, obviously, but everything else is true).

So, in the event that you do at some point realise that you are being completely unreasonable

Because I was always unreasonable if I was angry at him. Blame was always put squarely onto my shoulders.

You are very dear to me and I value our friendship. However, I'm /not/ willing to deal with this amount of drama, from anyone. So if you do in fact want to maintain our friendship, this has to stop.

He said I was dear to him and he valued our friendship in that exact phrase many times as reassurance. A weirdly particular way of putting it and I don't believe any of them were ever sincere, it was always just to placate me. And then there is another threat.

No more expectations of how I should or shouldn't act, no more trying (intentionally or otherwise) to guilt trip me over how /you/ are feeling or into me spending time with you (I say trying because I /don't/ feel guilty in any way). No more emotional venty outbursts at me for what you perceive I've done wrong but inevitably, and usually after talking to someone like [REDACTED], realise that you were, in fact, being unreasonable. No more drama, period.

Basically, stop trying to fight against my control in various ways. You can see how he twisted my valid complaints about his behaviour into things I've done wrong to him. He often accused me of being emotionally manipulative and guilt tripping, when in fact, he was doing these things constantly to me by trying to force me to accept the blame and responsibility of all our problems. By framing my actions in such a drastic framework, it, again, attempts to make me go on the defensive and also feel shame for trying to hold him responsible for the way he was affecting me. This is a list of demands that I had to adhere to for the friendship to stay intact, and yet he couldn't be held 'responsible' for the one thing I asked him to do to make me stop feeling terrible all the time. This is one of the main abuse dynamics, where the abuser must be free to do whatever they please without consequence, but you cannot do anything that the abuser dislikes within the relationship. And of course, again, I am unreasonable for being angry that he did not care about my feelings one bit.

If any of this continues after this particular incident, I intend on cutting communication with you for as long as it takes for you to fix your shit so we can go back to being friends without the drama. Hint: this will be measured in months, maybe even years, not days/weeks, to give you some perspective.

The threat in full, with added consequences of not submitting to his demands. Also, for someone so invested in fighting mental health stigma and mental health advocacy (it's his job at a non-profit, even), the phrase "fix your shit" is very demeaning and out of character for his usual "I'm such a nice, understanding guy" facade.

I don't want to talk about this with you, it is not open for discussion. I want our friendship to work, but if time apart is needed then so be it. This is the last time I will deal with it. At a minimum, I don't want to talk to you at all until you've calmed down and got some perspective.

And again, more stonewalling so that the only possible resolution is his resolution.

The second email was one of the last before the friendship dissolved, so it might make ultimatums seem more reasonable (though everything he took issue with was not an actual issue except that I kept getting mad at him for treating me poorly instead of shutting up and taking his crap). Still, he sent this after I had already expressed that I no longer wanted to continue being friends because of how he was acting. He attempted one more go at regaining control over me, but I'd had enough at that point, as you can see in my reply in the blog post linked at the beginning of this one. The issues I state in my reply were all the true issues as I saw them, instead of the ones he kept pushing on me to make me at fault and more compliant to his control. Never once would he address anything I wanted him to address, and instead derailed every argument into what he felt the problem was (aka Me).

These are not the communications of someone who ever truly cared about me, but they are pretty good examples of how subtle psychological and emotional abuse manifests.

It still baffles me that the people defending him believe that any of the above is acceptable, but then again, they probably believe him that I'm 'crazy' cause I'm mentally ill or that he just couldn't cope with dealing with me anymore (protip: relationships work on communication and compromise... not abusive actions like control and stonewalling and manipulation).

Some Clarification, Some Ranting; Basically the Usual

Some clarification of my last post:

If you are friends with my abuser and haven't even bothered to talk to me about my side or expressed any sort of sympathy, I want you out of my life.

If his lies and justifications are easier to swallow than him treating me cruelly, I want you out of my life.

If you found my anger off-putting or an overreaction, I want you out of my life.

If you don't find his hurtful actions to discredit me problematic at all, I want you out of my life.

If it is so easy to believe that my mental illness means I'm a crazy, lying drama whore, I want you out of my life.

If you are sympathetic but don't reconsider if this is a person who makes a good friend or you find abuse too harsh a word, think of it as emotional bullying and understand that this experience has been seriously traumatic for me. If keeping the friendship is still more important than my wellbeing, I want you out of my life.

If you think your neutrality or silence or whatever is more important than taking emotional abuse seriously, you are an enabler, and I want you out of my life.

If you think this is a super harsh reaction to the entire situation, I want you out of my life.

I'd rather isolate myself and lose a lot of friendships I've had for years (therefore giving him exactly what he wants), than deal with a monster for one more second than I have to or put any more energy into the misery and stress he's caused me. There are people who have provided me a lot of support and kind words and have put effort into staying friends regardless of everything that's happened, and some have made the amazing effort to become better friends, even. These are the people I want in my life, and no one else.

I posted this on social media before, but it really describes it best as to why this is necessary.

A while ago I came to a realisation that someone I thought I was good friends with was incredibly toxic and an adept gaslighter. He knew how to push my buttons and knew which situations to push them in so that I’d react publicly and irrationally. Why? I still don’t know, although several people close to us both have suggested it’s a combination of his incredibly low self esteem (apparently thanks to his parents), or that he sees me as some kind of threat (I still have no idea what that means). When I finally realised that no one else could see how difficult it was for me to associate with him, and that I’d prefer to never see or have anything to do with him again, I cut him off. 

Social events with that particular circle of friends became difficult. This was, aside from him, a great group of people I’d become increasingly close to and enjoyed spending time with. I got to the point where I had to ask if he was going to be at something, so that I could decline the invitation if he was. 

At some point, a lightbulb went off in my head. The angst and anxiety around always avoiding this person meant that this person was always popping into my thoughts. Every time a mutual friend invited me somewhere, I had to think about him, and I didn’t want to think about him ever again. The problem was that everyone seemed to think he was great, so there was no chance of the situation changing. I could have swallowed my pride and just shown up to things and let him be the awkward one, but I did that a couple of times and it was anxiety-ridden for me and not worth the trouble.  

So, on somewhat of a whim, I removed almost everyone in that group from my social circle. 

Why almost everyone and not just everyone? A few people contacted me to ask what was going on, and I told them. Most got angry and bid me good riddance—but a couple of them flat out refused to stop being friends with me, and started making time for me outside of group things. 

Within a couple of days of removing everyone, it felt like an immense weight had been lifted from my shoulders. Sure, I had about 50% less friends overnight, but I never had to worry about him again. It felt incredible, and it also changed my life—I started making time for new friends and discovered the people I now refer to as my tribe. I definitely miss some of the people I left behind with him, but it was worth it. 

I'm not going to go through the trouble of worrying which social things I can attend and which I can't. If you don't want me around anyway, because you believe his side, good riddance. I'm certain I know who cares about my friendship and who doesn't by now, anyway.

I do not hate anyone other than my abuser, and if you are worried I am speaking about you (I am not necessarily thinking of anyone in particular with any of these statements.. but this is the general feeling I've gotten from a lot of various reactions), then chat with me and I will happily discuss the what and why of how I've gotten to this point.

I also have not asked anyone to ever advocate for me on my behalf with any other friends. I've gotten the impression that some feel I am creating an Us vs. Them dynamic, which is not what I want at all. All I've wanted is to speak my truth and hope that some of you out there understand. I'm just clarifying now where my boundaries lie. If you are a mutual friend of someone wondering why I'm cutting people off, then I'm happy for you to explain things or direct them to me. In fact, I've always preferred direct communication about all this stuff... the lack of it is part of what has been causing me stress. I know there's been a lot of talking about me and very little talking about things TO me.

I DO think there is a right side and a wrong side, but that's because for me there is. He caused me harm. That is wrong. If you intentionally or unintentionally encourage and enable him causing me harm, we cannot be friends. It's that simple.

If I sound angry and frustrated, that's because I am still. I imagine I will be until everything is settled. And if I'm not angry and frustrated, I'm crying and terrified. That's it, that's my life at the moment. But once this is done, I am moving forward and never looking back. I wish more of you were coming with me, but I'm grateful for all those who will be.

Zero Tolerance

I accidentally deleted my last blog post, but it's not important. Either you believe me or you don't even though everything is still becoming clearer and making more sense the more I examine our 'friendship' and learn how these sorts of people operate.

But even more difficult isn't that I was treated so cruelly or that he continues to attempt to intimidate and silence me... it's how difficult it has been to face up to the fact that people I respect and call friends have either refused to believe me or stayed silent in the name of 'neutrality' (and his friends even actively support his behaviour and lies), and all of the above is in his favour. Yes, thinking you know someone who is a friend, that they could never act that way, that it's a misunderstanding or the accuser is overreacting in some way, believing his justifications and lies... they hurt more than even the manipulative abuse. I am now zero tolerance of any remote presence of his in my life, even if that means losing people I would really rather not, because I will not accept anything that makes me feel unsafe or will give him any power over me, and that includes unintentional lines of communication. Once everything is settled, he no longer exists as far as I am concerned.

But I'm not burning bridges. If you see things that bother you, behaviours you'd like to overlook but can't quite, stuff you can't put your finger on but it feels off, anything at all from him or anyone else that makes you question their honesty, intentions or whatever... I'm always here to chat. I will always believe you even if no one else does. I will never question your intuition or sanity or accept justifications for poor behaviour. I promise I will always listen, because I have been there and I would never put someone else through what I have been through. Even if you are a stranger on the internet, I will believe you. You are never alone.

Even Winning Will Be Losing

My series of posts about Abusive Mentalities are finished and I'd love it if you could all give it a read. It's pretty eye-opening and surprising, because we all think we know about abuse and how it works... but most of what we know is wrong, and it explains why abusers get away with it for so long, how they trap victims, etc. Pretty fascinating stuff, though triggery as heck if you have been there yourself. It also explains why they rarely change, because they are so completely convinced they are in the right and can justify their actions to themselves. Scary to think about, really. 

So yeah, as for an update, I am worried I will have to be even stricter about friends cause my anxiety levels in regards to my abuser are through the roof. He came up in a completely separate Twitter conversation yesterday and I didn't expect much of anything... surely a man so desperate to not hear from me has me blocked, right? He filed for an AVO, so that tends to indicate you are pretty serious about the No-Contact thing. But I looked out of curiosity, because I'm super clever like that, and once again he's trying to provoke some sort of reaction out of me. This time with some violently angry name-calling. I believe the exact phrase was "crazy, obnoxious, delusional fucktard". Nice. I have no reason to react in even a passive-aggressive way, cause I've said most everything I need to say. Whatever. If he wants to put on a show for sympathy and get stupid on the internet, I don't really care. (Yes, I have been stupid and angry on the internet, but nothing I've said directly or indirectly was that disgusting.) I can only hope people are finally seeing his true colours.

Except this is making me feel super unsafe. I don't know how I'm supposed to coexist even somewhat socially with this person. I don't want to say him or me, but it's getting to the point where I'm not even certain how to be in a space with him without a panic attack. And the thought people who are lovely and probably don't think I'm crazy could accept this sort of treatment of a mutual friend is becoming harder and harder to reconcile.

And it's probably what he wants. If he can't silence me, he can certainly try to intimidate me, isolate me further, take away more people from my life I genuinely like and respect a lot. And he was careful to be just vague enough, but anyone can tell he means me. It came right after the tag. Which I hadn't considered he could see, except I should have cause he mentioned to my housemate about a tag the day he tried to have the AVO served. Hypocrisy abounds. I will continue to speak truth to any who will listen, but I don't think this emotional and psychological mess he's caused will really ever entirely go away. At least, not for a long time. 

Anyway, I've been thinking about the trigger for his behaviour change with me, and I think I have figured it out. Basically, it was as soon as I felt I could trust him and 'asked' for help, probably combined with some of my anger at the first night he stayed away for my own good.. that's when the accusations of dependency and stuff first came out. Probably because instead of letting him 'fix' me in the way he wanted to or thought was best, I tried to direct his help in ways I would find more useful, including setting a necessary boundary and being hurt when his 'help' backfired. He was always trying to control me, but in ways I found easier to swallow under the pretense of providing support. It was always 'do this, do that, these things are good for you and these things are bad, etc.' Not having to think for youself too much just coming out of a marriage and a soul-destroying year seemed pretty okay at the time. Guess he gave me a bit too much confidence and assertiveness for his liking. Also, it's obvious the help he offers is about making himself feel good... and being angry and hurt by him can't have felt good. And that's when the scary cycle of control and manipulation began, and I got confused and apologetic and couldn't figure out why I still felt shit when I tried to accept what he was saying.

Bleh. 

Context and The State of Things

Half my posts about abuse mentality are posted, and there's a few more over the next few days to go. A few things to keep in mind...

There's a lot of context surrounding recent events that is pretty important, and it's possible I'm seeing things or seeing a whole picture here that others cannot. There is no doubt in my mind that the way my friend treated me was controlling, manipulative and extremely damaging to me.

Where others may see someone who tried to help me, became overwhelmed, and then needed to push me away and 'cut me off', I see a person who tried to 'Fix' me (more as a means to feeling good about himself as opposed to good intentions) and when he came to realise there was no quick solution to my problems or wasn't getting he wanted out of helping me (or perhaps changed his mind for whatever reason), his attitude towards me changed overnight into one that was dismissive, selfish, and uncaring. It was a pattern of silent treatment, invalidation, and shutting down any conversation he didn't like (more on that here and here) whenever I objected to how he treated me, especially after I asked him to not do it (I rarely set hard boundaries, but this was one for me and always will be.. AND it's easy to avoid hitting it if you take my How To on super anxious people on this blog to heart.) He promised to my face multiple times he wouldn't (but left it open that he could do what he liked if he felt okay with his behaviour). People truly sorry for hurtful behaviour would never continue it, and this is even true of those who have a hard time not hurting people unintentionally sometimes, such as those on the Autistic spectrum. If you care about the person you're in conflict with, you at least try to compromise or behave somewhat differently. He never did.

As has been posted on the blog before, abusers create an alternate private reality of the state of the relationship, so once he decided I was too dependent and couldn't self-regulate things, that was that. He was right, there was no arguing against it, and the fact I tried made me in 'denial' and 'violently defensive'. The truth was that HE was no longer interested in giving me the support anymore, and decided to frame it as being my fault and my 'problems' as the cause, because obviously there could be nothing wrong with him, he was always only ever trying to do things in my best interest. Every time we argued or I confronted him, it turned into my fault, my problem, and I was just too broken to see the 'truth'. It was 100% one-sided. Any talk of his behaviour and emotions was turned around into how I affected him in a negative way.

Anyway, I've talked about much of this before. But one reason I saw through it in a relatively short time and put my foot down over and over (which always was met with some form of 'punishment' from him) was because I'd just been through seven years of this sort of hurtful behaviour from the husband. I'd just escaped a suffocating relationship and that was difficult as anything I've ever done. When the person who was giving me a helping hand to get off my feet came along and emotionally kicked the shit out of me while I was down, it is an unspeakable level of cruelty. I was just beginning to crawl my way out of the deep hole I found myself in last year, one that nearly killed me multiple times. To have someone then repeat the controlling, manipulative behaviours and do it with ZERO interest in how it affected me (the husband did at least care somewhat even if I think we were caught in a very unhealthy pattern)... yeah, well, there's a reason my rage was so intense.

Don't forget that this level of cruelty has only continued even since we broke off the friendship. Don't forget that he gave me a chance to submit to his demands and continue our friendship, and I was the one who said, ENOUGH. Yes, when I attempted to establish a civil level of communication because we have so many mutual friends and he responded by continuing to ignore I existed, I did respond angrily because it hurt like shit. I do not and have never wanted to re-establish communication and friendship with him. The idea that I have is just absurd to me. And if you think I ever, ever had any of the Power in our friendship, you are just fooling yourself. When I took out some of my anger on him more recently, it was just frustration at the fact he cares about how he's hurt me not at all and won't ever take responsibility that he has. I just was venting AT the object of my anger in the only way left to me since everything else was cut off.

He's pulled the wool over his eyes of his closest friends that I would not leave him alone, because none of them have seen the side of him that I have. Because he can't silence me about the truth, he's punishing me, even after I left the state to find some sort of peace of mind about everything. Because I have 'behaved badly' but he's been silent and calm, it is easy to turn the tables on me as the bad guy. He is manipulating EVERYONE in his life as much as he has me.

And I will not remain silent and I will not stop trying to educate everyone I know about who he is truly, because it is the only way I can regain control over my life and defy what he wants from me, which is to be silenced and to be intimidated by his dragging me into court with this AVO (an Australian restraining order). I'm going to fight it even though I have zero desire to have anything to do with him, because I will not let him have any say in my life any longer. He's poked me (subtly) on his public Twitter to try to enrage me further, but I won't submit to it. I know better now. I also know he is at least keeping up on mine somewhat, with stuff he's posted recently, which is really odd for someone SO desperate to have nothing to do with me. He thinks I'm a joke, he thinks I am nothing and that my pain is nothing, he thinks that he can get away with what's happened because a few close to him are indulging his delusions, he thinks he can continue to hurt me because it amuses him to do so.

I won't stop until he's proven wrong.

If You Truly Care About Me, STOP Blaming Me (Or Excusing the Abuser)

Abuse is a scary, strong word. A lot of people have trouble accepting it of someone they like, care about, generally respect, etc. Abusers are often charismatic, engaging, and well-liked, and hide their abusive nature extremely well except to those they are abusing. The thing is that abuse comes in many forms and falls on a spectrum of behaviour. Even if the person doing the accusing doesn't show bruises and scars, even if they seem generally 'okay', you SHOULD take their accusation of abuse seriously. Psychological abuse is subtle, difficult to prove and easy to rationalise and minimise, and can be extremely devastating with very few outward signs. Even if the term 'abuse' is too strong and upsetting to even contemplate of someone you know, if someone accuses them of any level of controlling, manipulative behaviour, even if you can find legitimate and 'reasonable' excuses for that behaviour, DO NOT underestimate the effect it has on the victim. Call it whatever makes you comfortable, but never brush it over as not serious, as you will only contribute to the victim's harm.

Part of manipulation and control involves invalidating the victim's feelings, confusing them, and turning the tables so they take the blame onto themselves instead. This is called gaslighting, and is a common and very subtle manipulation technique. If someone has realised this was happening to them and is brave enough to claim so, the LAST thing you want to do is doubt them, continue to invalidate their claims, stay 'neutral' as to the hurtful behaviour, or rationalise or make excuses for the other person in any way. Abusers get away with abuse because there is still a strong culture of victim-blaming and so many myths about abusive behaviour and how it manifests are prevalent. Your friend/relative/acquaintance/whatever could never be 'that guy', he is someone else from some other race/socio-economic status/country/area/etc. How could someone so caring and likeable ever treat someone else so cruelly?

Thing is that those are the strongest traits of an abusive personality type, because they are often very concerned with their image in the eyes of others and gaining allies to justify and continue their behaviours.

http://distantspark.wordpress.com/what-is-withholding/

http://distantspark.wordpress.com/2011/05/19/abusive-men-and-their-allies/

http://distantspark.wordpress.com/what-is-blame-shifting/

http://distantspark.wordpress.com/2011/08/14/breaking-silence/

http://distantspark.wordpress.com/steps-of-accepting-responsibility-for-abuse/

I couldn't even finish writing all this, it's so exhausting. Above are a lot of really great and not too long links that contain much of what I wanted to say, or close enough.

I'm so tired and exhausted making myself believed, defending my feelings/viewpoints/behaviours/etc. I am TIRED of fighting with people who even support me and do care that I'm hurting that this is more serious than 'acting out', who tell me that my anger is intense and difficult to respond to, that I should just move on and let it all go. Many are surprised at my actions, that I've been holding onto this for so long... well, there is a good reason why.

Important Things:

"When people take a neutral stand between you and your abusive partner, they are in effect supporting him and abandoning you, no matter how much they may claim otherwise."

I know this topic has been super divisive and confronting for many people I know, because they know both parties and feel that 'taking sides' would be wrong, no matter how much I am hurting and obviously and painfully so. Because of the silence from so many when I've spoken out, I've felt abandoned and ignored and like I AM unable to trust my own perceptions of things. You don't have to hate the person to hate the behaviour. You don't have to confront him (though he will never learn consequences otherwise), but acknowledge that my feelings are real, valid, and there is a reason I'm hurting. Or even say hi, I know you've been having a rough time.. how are you? Any sympathy or acknowledgement will help someone from falling further into misery and depression.

"... and because he does not take responsibility for how his actions affect you, he is also leaving wide open the possibility, which you cannot ignore, that whatever he did can and probably will happen again-- thus increasing your anxiety, fear and depression. A non-abusive partner who cares about your comfort and need to feel safe will listen to you and never ever do again what scared you NO MATTER HIS "PERSPECTIVE" OR WHAT HE "MEANT" TO DO. A non-abusive partner will not argue with you and defend himself: if you say something he did hurt or scared you, a non-abusive partner will take you seriously and agree to immediately stop doing what threatens you, period. ONLY AN ABUSER WILL JUSTIFY OR DEFEND HIS "RIGHT" TO CONTINUE THREATENING YOU."

I asked many times for the person in question to stop certain behaviours that were hurtful, triggering, and painful for me and asked for easy common courtesy to negate my negative emotions, such as upfront honesty and simple, basic explanations. He never did, and always justified his actions as necessary for his health and so he never felt responsible for causing me pain. 

So whilst I accept that non-communication might be triggering for you, I do not feel responsible for being the trigger. Nor, given the context, do I think it's fair of you to try to tell me I'm responsible for.

And that further discussion isn't really necessary because we've already discussed non-communication and I'll tell you if I'm about to intentionally not talk or address something for a period. But that even if I don't, if I'm acting in a way that I'm comfortable for myself that it's not something I will take responsibility for.

Exact words. He never warned me, as promised. Never. My feelings, emotions, reactions were NEVER important to him one tiny little bit, even though many of his controlling actions were 'for my own good' (another classic abuser mentality trait).

"Deep emotional distance is often an indicator that there is no turning back in a relationship, that on an unconscious level your partner has already created an alternate private reality. Once this has happened, they also stop consulting you about creating a joint reality that serves both of your needs. The recognition of an emotional separation is often very painful and is frequently accompanied by feelings of shock that are similar to those people feel when they are notified of a death. “Suddenly, he wasn’t there anymore.” There’s a feeling of loss. It’s as if someone with whom you had dreamed your whole future has, without your quite knowing it, been taken away."

This is from the withholding link above, and is one of the most important to me, because this by far was the technique he used to control me. He went from amazing, supportive, and understanding friend to distant, controlling abuser in a day. It was shocking and traumatic how quickly the dynamic between us changed and I was lost, confused and unable to keep up. He used my vulnerability to silence and non-communication (triggering to me because of my strong social anxiety) as a weapon, withholding explanations, communication, his presence. He'd cut me off, never discuss things, refuse to listen and ACTIVELY ignore me if I stood up against him in anger. His reality now was the only one we were operating under and mine was a creation of my anxiety and mental illness and turned into manipulating me to take all the blame for our problems and to apologise, state I would change, beg for his forgiveness and patience while I sorted myself out, etc.

I have every reason to believe he that even if it wasn't consciously, it was a very purposefully created situation. THIS:

was literally a day before these:

I RANG TO WAKE HIM UP BECAUSE HE SAID IT WOULD. And the next day, I couldn't get ahold of him and freaked out and he starts giving ME crap about not assuming he doesn't care, etc. etc.

Also, there was a night I was feeling extremely unsafe and felt I might harm myself (intention to die, yes), and I messaged him about it. It goes as follows:

I messaged him half an hour after he said he was going to bed and wouldn't talk. I fully expected him to not see the message at all, because I was so used to his non-communication and ignoring me by that point. But later that night he called the cops on me and I spent a very, very long night in the ER. Perhaps he worried he pushed me too far finally, but he never rang me to see if I was okay before ringing the cops and he never even spoke to me during or barely even after the whole incident. It wasn't about caring, it was about not actually letting things go too far. It was all about everything still being in HIS control.

There's a lot more, but this is long enough.. and I figure I'll just be shouting to the wind once again.