An Update: Still Not Totally Okay, But Also Not Not Okay?

I've been having a lot of bad days. I mean, healing will take time, and it's kinda hard to cope with a lot of scary feelings that just don't want to go away. On top of that, I'm having a bad flare up of pain from whatever it is that causes it. And sleep is still difficult a lot of the time. So, the more tired and hurty I get, the harder it is to keep distracted from the scary emotions and that's when the bad days happen.

But I also have days that are pretty okay? I've been trying to keep up with my Stats class for uni this semester (I'm a tiny bit behind but I'm doing what I can so I think it'll be fine), and I've managed to keep myself busy with working on some art, which is a thing I haven't done in literally yonks. (I dunno how long a yonk is but I imagine it's pretty long.) And when I feel okay, I start wondering why I felt so terrible so much anyway. It's like I forget and go, you dummy! Lying around being miserable is dumb, don't do that anymore.

I realise that I don't really have in between moods. When I'm up, I'm like yeah, I can do this!  Let's fix up the mess that is my life a bit at a time, and I get stuff done which only makes me feel even better. But when I'm down, it's waaaay down. Crying, angry, scary thoughts, and fighting hard not to self-harm down. I'm not sure I even know what those middle emotions even are. I don't know if I have always been this extreme or if all the craziness and stress of the past year has got me in a weird cycle. Or it could be the meds I'm currently on. I don't really remember what 'normal' for me is at the moment. I'm not sure I have a 'normal'.

I've been wondering quite a lot lately if there isn't something a bit more going on than simply depression and anxiety. I feel weird being like.. those are such garden variety mental illnesses, I'm not sure that's all there is to what makes me sick. Obviously, it's not to say that dealing with 'just' depression and anxiety isn't really difficult. But it's not like my therapist has ever really given me a diagnosis or anything, though obviously we talk about how those two things affect me a lot. I've always known I don't experience true mania the way those with Bipolar I do (I've seen its effects in both friends and family growing up), but I definitely have experienced hypomanic episodes. It's a milder form of mania, and actually looks a lot like functioning highly. It's a hallmark of Bipolar II on the bipolar spectrum, which is not really a 'lesser' form of being bipolar, just one that manifests differently than type I. And it's very hard to diagnose. Anyway, I have been meaning to talk to my psychologist about it, but I spent last session catching her up on everything that's been going on... but yeah. It wouldn't really surprise me, since manic depression runs in my family and that ups your chances of being on the spectrum pretty significantly. It's mostly important because it changes how my treatment might go. So yes, that is a thing to talk to my many lovely doctors about at some point soon.

Anyway, I realised something pretty important tonight... that despite how difficult things are right now and how terrible things have been this year, I'm actually still happier with who I am as a person more than I have been in, I dunno... forever. I don't... hate myself? Especially after the insane spiral down into guilt and self-destruction that happened while my friend was abusing me, it's a pretty noticeable difference now that I feel more free and less weighed down by really intense negative thinking. Yeah, I still deal with it on the bad days. It's a feature of my mental illness so it's not just going to go away. But even when things like "It's somehow my fault" or "I deserved it to happen to me" or whatever try to sneak into my head, I know that's my brain just being irrational. I can kinda talk myself out of it getting too bad, because I know realistically that I've done nothing wrong. A person treated me really badly and it still feels pretty awful a lot of the time, but that guilt I felt for SO long... well, that's mostly gone.

And I'm also kind of proud of myself overall. Not just for staying clean this long (which IS a pretty big deal of course), but that I have stood up for myself. That I recognised that something was wrong with my friendship (even though I didn't know what at the time) and that I told him enough was enough. That I have had the courage to speak out about the mistreatment, consequences be damned. (I knew it was a losing proposition from the beginning, though I didn't predict the extent he'd go to keep his reputation intact... even if now that I think back on it I should have realised.) That I had the strength to cut out a lot of people who think my abuser has done nothing wrong, because they don't deserve space in my life. That even though I acted rashly in my anger and frustration, I'm not beating myself about it. And, most importantly, that I'm still moving forward.. each tiny step at a time.

On the better days, like tonight where I'm feeling pretty okay, I realise that I'm actually tough as shit. Like really strong. I have every reason to break down into a crying blob of sadness and despair (and it happens), but it doesn't last. Every time there's a bit of light at the end of the tunnel, I grab onto it and start fighting again to get there. I've spent some time wallowing and the depression makes it a lot harder sometimes to see that the feelings will ever end. But they do, every time. I mean, I guess I've been at this a pretty long time. It's been a fact of my life that I've always had to push myself pretty hard to get anywhere. So, even on the worst days there's a tiny, tiny voice at the back of my mind that tells me, 'This too will pass.' I actually make a deal with myself not to act impulsively if I'm feeling really bad, if I want to self-harm or I have suicidal thoughts. I say, if I still feel this way in 24 hours, then I can act on these feelings. Y'know, in case this is the one time they finally don't go away. But obviously, the worst of it always passes. Always.

It's hard not to think about how scary a lot of this must sound to people who don't live this way. But this is just how things work for me? I guess? I haven't known anything else. But I'm still here. I'm still trying. I hold on to the smidgen of hope that someday this will actually get easier.

It's funny that for someone often so sad and hopeless, at my core I'm still an optimist and a bit of a dreamer. For a while, in my early 20s after my first trip to Australia where everything went kind of horribly wrong, I felt as if that part of me died... that my innocence had been forcibly stripped from me and I'd never be able to look at the world around me in the same way. As I struggled with my depression and it kept worsening, before I got into treatment, that continued to feel true, that I'd lost something I'd never get back. Slowly, slowly I've realised that isn't true. The positive, honest, passionate, and wide-eyed girl is still in there somewhere, deep beneath mental illness and the stressful struggles of my adulthood. I want to believe that the world and humanity are essentially good, that the bad ones among us are there but a minority, that if we all just try hard enough, we can accomplish nearly anything... that on a whole, karma balances everything out and tips the scales in favour of those of us just trying to get by and find some happiness in this weird existence of ours.

Obviously, it feels naive to me now, but I'm glad to know that not all of that is gone, destroyed by a world that's a lot more cruel and unfair than I ever wanted to believe it could be. Because I think hanging onto the part of me that wants to believe in fairy tales and happy endings is the source of my strength and resilience, not a weakness or vulnerability. Yeah, it makes me a bit of a target for people like my abuser, those who view people as things or a means to an end. But I also think he ultimately misjudged me, too. And now I've learned that much more about protecting myself from the predators, and I know what red flags to look for. I won't be taken in so easily next time.

I Wish This Contentment Could Last Forever

It's 1am, I slept for aaaaages (which I so needed after weeks and weeks of severe insomnia), I'm working on some writing, listening to music, and for once, I'm smiling. I feel great for the first time in so long, I think I forgot how nice contentment can be.

Monday in court went even better than expected. It was terrifying and stressful, but I had support there the entire time. I'm so thankful for the calming presence of my friends. I won't go into details, but I was able to receive help from the Domestic Violence Representatives program on the day, and they were amazing. Perfect, really. Basically, I agreed to a thing I wanted to do anyway and my abuser agreed to withdraw the AVO. I wish I knew what the lawyer said to him. I wish this was a solution to all of life's problems, too. So ideal.

IT'S OVER. I'm so thankful and so grateful for everyone who has given support or even just the simplest note of sympathy. Every bit has truly helped. I'm especially thankful for the amazing friends I got to see on Sunday, because it was such the perfect pick me up before dealing with court. Maybe it's a small thing, but even just hearing their outrage and support in person, and how much they understood my actions (despite the anger and intensity)... yeah, it felt really great. I managed to sleep that night, which is the real sign of how much it helped. I expected to be up all night before court dreading it. So much love to you all. <3

So yeah, I feel as if I can finally breathe, as if a huge weight has been lifted from my life. And I survived! I survived a lot of very scary, intense emotions and dealing with some very trying events the first half of this year which came right after last year's stress of the marriage falling apart, etc. AND I've survived it all while making it past three months clean from self-harm. I think, I think I'm allowed to be very proud of myself.

There was a Me at one point in time who would have just run away from it all, who would have stayed silent and accepted that sometimes people just treat you badly, who would have tried to self-destruct instead of attempting to cope, and obviously that Me is still in there, somewhere. I wanted to do all of those things at various points in time. I really wanted everything to simply Go Away so badly. But these days I know that life just doesn't work that way, and sometimes things are really difficult, but it's worth it to hang onto whatever is important to you. In this case, it's been my health, my independence, and this life I've built for me in my home away from home.

I've lost some friends along the way, and I'm sad for that, of course. I didn't want it to happen the way it has, but it's nothing personal and I don't hate anyone. Also I feel that I know who to focus on building stronger friendships with, and that it has been a hard and important lesson. And I hope to find other, new friends too. It's a big city. There's a lot of awesome people I haven't met yet, I'm sure.

Most importantly, it can only go up from here, as far as I'm concerned. I'm going to make a concerted effort to keep fighting this stupid mental illness and figuring out whatever it is that is making me physically ill. I'm going to take a uni course next semester and get that going again. I'm going to keep working on my writing and submitting it for contests or publication. I'm going to spend time focusing on others over all the time I spend inside my own head (I'm pretty sick of it in there). I also hope to get back to volunteering once a week, too. I've fought hard for this life, with the help of a lot of people who love me. Now it's finally time to make it into the one I want to live.

Some Clarification, Some Ranting; Basically the Usual

Some clarification of my last post:

If you are friends with my abuser and haven't even bothered to talk to me about my side or expressed any sort of sympathy, I want you out of my life.

If his lies and justifications are easier to swallow than him treating me cruelly, I want you out of my life.

If you found my anger off-putting or an overreaction, I want you out of my life.

If you don't find his hurtful actions to discredit me problematic at all, I want you out of my life.

If it is so easy to believe that my mental illness means I'm a crazy, lying drama whore, I want you out of my life.

If you are sympathetic but don't reconsider if this is a person who makes a good friend or you find abuse too harsh a word, think of it as emotional bullying and understand that this experience has been seriously traumatic for me. If keeping the friendship is still more important than my wellbeing, I want you out of my life.

If you think your neutrality or silence or whatever is more important than taking emotional abuse seriously, you are an enabler, and I want you out of my life.

If you think this is a super harsh reaction to the entire situation, I want you out of my life.

I'd rather isolate myself and lose a lot of friendships I've had for years (therefore giving him exactly what he wants), than deal with a monster for one more second than I have to or put any more energy into the misery and stress he's caused me. There are people who have provided me a lot of support and kind words and have put effort into staying friends regardless of everything that's happened, and some have made the amazing effort to become better friends, even. These are the people I want in my life, and no one else.

I posted this on social media before, but it really describes it best as to why this is necessary.

A while ago I came to a realisation that someone I thought I was good friends with was incredibly toxic and an adept gaslighter. He knew how to push my buttons and knew which situations to push them in so that I’d react publicly and irrationally. Why? I still don’t know, although several people close to us both have suggested it’s a combination of his incredibly low self esteem (apparently thanks to his parents), or that he sees me as some kind of threat (I still have no idea what that means). When I finally realised that no one else could see how difficult it was for me to associate with him, and that I’d prefer to never see or have anything to do with him again, I cut him off. 

Social events with that particular circle of friends became difficult. This was, aside from him, a great group of people I’d become increasingly close to and enjoyed spending time with. I got to the point where I had to ask if he was going to be at something, so that I could decline the invitation if he was. 

At some point, a lightbulb went off in my head. The angst and anxiety around always avoiding this person meant that this person was always popping into my thoughts. Every time a mutual friend invited me somewhere, I had to think about him, and I didn’t want to think about him ever again. The problem was that everyone seemed to think he was great, so there was no chance of the situation changing. I could have swallowed my pride and just shown up to things and let him be the awkward one, but I did that a couple of times and it was anxiety-ridden for me and not worth the trouble.  

So, on somewhat of a whim, I removed almost everyone in that group from my social circle. 

Why almost everyone and not just everyone? A few people contacted me to ask what was going on, and I told them. Most got angry and bid me good riddance—but a couple of them flat out refused to stop being friends with me, and started making time for me outside of group things. 

Within a couple of days of removing everyone, it felt like an immense weight had been lifted from my shoulders. Sure, I had about 50% less friends overnight, but I never had to worry about him again. It felt incredible, and it also changed my life—I started making time for new friends and discovered the people I now refer to as my tribe. I definitely miss some of the people I left behind with him, but it was worth it. 

I'm not going to go through the trouble of worrying which social things I can attend and which I can't. If you don't want me around anyway, because you believe his side, good riddance. I'm certain I know who cares about my friendship and who doesn't by now, anyway.

I do not hate anyone other than my abuser, and if you are worried I am speaking about you (I am not necessarily thinking of anyone in particular with any of these statements.. but this is the general feeling I've gotten from a lot of various reactions), then chat with me and I will happily discuss the what and why of how I've gotten to this point.

I also have not asked anyone to ever advocate for me on my behalf with any other friends. I've gotten the impression that some feel I am creating an Us vs. Them dynamic, which is not what I want at all. All I've wanted is to speak my truth and hope that some of you out there understand. I'm just clarifying now where my boundaries lie. If you are a mutual friend of someone wondering why I'm cutting people off, then I'm happy for you to explain things or direct them to me. In fact, I've always preferred direct communication about all this stuff... the lack of it is part of what has been causing me stress. I know there's been a lot of talking about me and very little talking about things TO me.

I DO think there is a right side and a wrong side, but that's because for me there is. He caused me harm. That is wrong. If you intentionally or unintentionally encourage and enable him causing me harm, we cannot be friends. It's that simple.

If I sound angry and frustrated, that's because I am still. I imagine I will be until everything is settled. And if I'm not angry and frustrated, I'm crying and terrified. That's it, that's my life at the moment. But once this is done, I am moving forward and never looking back. I wish more of you were coming with me, but I'm grateful for all those who will be.

Understanding Where Things Went Wrong (Part 2)

Things I should note about the last post:

I don't blame my husband, nor do I hate him in any way. I don't think it was intentional at all, regardless of how it affected me. He's still a dear friend to me, and I hope always will be.

Also, I think it's important to understand the definition of dependence, which I overlooked. It is about feeling that you cannot function without someone helping you with everything. It is about thinking you are inadequate at coping with an overwhelming world and feel that you require a supportive relationship in your life to survive. They ignore and deny all their own needs and wants in order to maintain the relationship they depend on, and are unquestioningly loyal and supportive at the expense of their own individuality.

Yeah, I don't feel any of that is remotely true for me. If I thought I was unable to function on my own, I would never have moved out in the first place. The entire point of getting out of my situation was because I was desperate to learn to be independent and didn't want to go back to a situation where I required someone to take care of me. Yeah, stuff is really hard, and I'm definitely not healthy yet, so I do need some help and support. But I don't need anyone in my life. Eventually, I will get there.

So yeah, unhealthy attachment. That is a whole other thing entirely, and something I will admit to. But the whole situation was pretty complicated and got out of control pretty quickly. Probably why I've spent so much time braindumping and processing and trying to understand everything.

I think it came from finding someone I felt I could trust in a lot of ways I really haven't in years, especially since moving to Australia. There was a closeness there I had been craving for a very long time. I have good friends, and many who care about me a lot, and I feel the same. And I even have a couple really quite close friend/relationships, but they don't live in Sydney. So there's still a certain level of very close friend I haven't had. Like someone I could ring up and be like.. hey, I feel like some company, want to hang out? That sort of comfort level. Admittedly, I've been super anti-social for many mental illness reasons since I moved here, and I am not the sort to trust very easily at all, though I've desired to have more intimacy in my life. So I've felt quite lonely, intensified by the isolation and my illness and being trapped in an unhealthy relationship.

So yeah, having finally found that, my brain went YES, this is awesome. Must hang onto at all costs!! Which I suppose is warning sign number one, but all went well for a while anyway, so hard to say I could have figured it out by that point. Then it was yanked away from me, quite suddenly and in a particularly triggering way for me, which started a whole long downward spiral of badness.

The best place to start is to mention the fact that my self-harm addiction reared its ugly head in a pretty significant way while my marriage fell apart last year. And I've still been struggling with it even after moving out. Normally, I don't reach out for help after self-harming to anyone at all, and also, it usually isn't severe enough for medical attention. However, because well-meaning friends were taking away most of the sharp things around me they could find, I resorted to pulling blades out of my shaving razors. They were very sharp, much more than I was used to, and so I ended up with deep cuts a few times on accident. And so, I freaked out and then called the one person I really trusted.

This led to concerns about associating my self-harm tendencies with someone rushing to help me out, and the associated concerns of dependency and, eventually, that I am unable to self-regulate when and how much I truly need someone for support. Needless to say, I disagree with all of that, and I've explained why at least in regards to the dependency. But that's beside the point. The way I found out about all of these concerns was after an extremely bad and stressful day. I ended up with a really bad wound that didn't stop bleeding. I freaked out and reached out for help... but he was with some other good friends, and without telling me why, he sent them in and refused to come in and see me. Unbeknownst to him, non-communication is a massive and traumatic trigger for me, and I freaked out really badly. It's related to stuff that happened over a decade ago, and it hadn't come up for me in a very long time. Still, I was really hurt and I felt that he betrayed my trust. It's hard enough for me to call someone I've put trust in for help. To be avoided by that person without explanation was pretty beyond what my brain was able to cope with. And that started the unhealthy cycle that ensued, because I ended up far past my threshold of thinking clearly, and I stayed there.

A good diagram of an unhealthy attachment cycle

Most of the details beyond that are unimportant and unnecessary. After the triggering incident, I was very, very clear about why that's a big problem for me and that all I need is upfront, honest communication about what's going on and why. But despite that, my friend kept pulling away from me, since he felt he needed to for his own health, and he was really terrible at ever communicating to me about it. Generally, things that needed to be boundaries would come out after a conflict, and after I was blamed for things going wrong. So yeah, this whole cycle kept my brain in high anxiety overdrive, second-guessing and freaking out at how different his words of reassurance were from his actions of pulling away more and more. So, I kept clinging more and more tightly, terrified and panicked about losing this super important friendship that I had finally found after so long. Rationally, I know that is a terrible idea and never ends well, but I wasn't coping with things at all. I haven't found myself in a situation like this in a very, very long time, so I was a bit lost and flailing about trying to keep the friendship intact, and feeling like I was never able to do anything right to do so.

This also led me into a really terrible space in my mind, full of blame and guilt and self-destructive behaviours. The judgments of my behaviours and motivations made me react defensively, because I knew they weren't true. But because I was panicked about saving the friendship, I would take on these ideas and, since I did honestly make mistakes, believe these terrible things about me to be true. So, I'd backtrack and give in and do whatever I thought would help things go back to status quo. But after every conflict, he'd pull further away instinctively, though without any true explanation of his needs. So I'd get hurt or angry because he was acting different to how I thought things were, react extremely poorly, and everything would start all over again.

Finally, enough was enough, for both of us. I was tired of feeling constantly one step behind because of the lack of communication and how quickly things had changed in the space of a couple months. I was tired of feeling blamed, judged and completely misunderstood, as if my feelings or perception of things was completely invalid or even important. I was tired of being shut down and shut out of talking things out because of being 'irrational' and 'unreasonable' simply because I disagreed with these judgments and misunderstandings. I was tired of taking on all the negative ideas about me and taking it all out on myself. I realised how terrible and unhealthy this all was for both of us, and I wanted out.

I'm pretty proud of getting to that realisation instead of giving in and taking all the blame onto myself one more time, as I could have. Yes, I wish I had understood it all better much earlier. Looking back now, if it was a situation I found myself in again (dear god, I hope not), I would take the first sign of pulling away as needing space and be like... ok, let's try this again in a bit once things are settled down. But hey, hindsight is always fantastic. I'm not proud of a lot of my actions, but I can only keep moving forward, keep learning, and keep trying to do better.

Come So Far, Yet Still So Far To Go

There are a lot of things I'm still trying to come to terms with about my life, my illnesses (mental and physical), who I am, who I want to be, regrets, mistakes, worries, dreams...

I underestimated just how much I would end up turning my life inside-out and completely upside-down by leaving my 7 year marriage and beginning the long journey towards finding my own independence. I am constantly learning things about myself and about those around me, both strengths and weaknesses. The most interesting realisation is just how VERY skewed my thoughts and emotions are from my mental illness and experiences up until this point. One of the most difficult symptoms to deal with from depression and other mental health disorders is that you are, to put it bluntly, delusional. Your brain cannot tell the truth from the utterly disgusting lies it is creating. As I've been in treatment, I've understood this to be true, but the actual extent of it is still surprising to me.

The harsh truth of the matter is that my marriage was an extremely unhealthy relationship for me, and I'd even go so far as to label it emotionally abusive overall. Not intentionally, of course. And you can forgive a lot of things based on good intentions. But still, intertwined with the abuse was co-dependence and the roles of carer and caree, and so I felt trapped long before the actual marriage ended. While I've escaped it physically, there are so many mental traps I keep falling into; 7 years of habits and thought processes I need to unravel and unlearn. This process will be slow, and part of the solution is simply going to be time.

Recently, I have finally understood that how easily I forgive and forget, which I always considered a good thing in relationships, is also a huge weakness for someone recovering from a situation such as mine. I'm the sort that doesn't anger easily and, if I do reach that point, I tend to calm down quickly afterwards and it's like it never happened. Where it becomes problematic is if I allow myself to forget about things that are actually quite hurtful and damaging for me and happily jump back into the same situation all over again, often because I'm clinging to whatever I feel is still good. Recently, I got caught in an unhealthy cycle with a close friend which was really painful and terrible for both of us. Despite the fact that I agreed I needed the space as much as he did, I find my mind ignoring how hurt and angry and self-destructive I've been over the past couple months and simply missing what's now gone from my life. And once that begins, I start falling down the hole of self-blame and guilt and begin to believe all the lies my depressed, anxious brain always whispers to me. It feels like a vicious maze my mind has trapped me in that's so well hidden I didn't even realise it was happening until now.

I was on the edge of that abyss tonight, beginning to fall, when somehow I was able to pull myself back and say NO, it was a horrible place to be in your life and you don't want to go back there! Like, it was a shock to me that I ever really forgot in the first place. I am so trained to squash down all of my negative emotions and feelings to, I don't even know what... keep the peace? Tolerate terrible situations? Fool myself into thinking I needed certain things to be 'whole' or 'healthy', despite how blatantly that isn't true? I haven't really sorted it all out, even if I can see the pitfalls in my own mind. That is a conversation I will be having with my therapist the next time I see her.

Mostly, I was just horrified at how natural it was, and still seems to be. It's like I will keep getting dragged back there against my will if I'm not vigilant enough against my own thoughts. I wrote huge notes with a texta which now live above my monitor:

DO NOT FORGET
IT WAS PAINFUL.
IT WAS UNHEALTHY.
IT CAUSED YOU TO BE SELF-DESTRUCTIVE.

DO NOT GO BACK TO THE PLACE IN YOUR MIND WHERE THAT IS OKAY!!!

YOU ARE BETTER OFF WITHOUT ANYONE IN YOUR LIFE WHO HURTS YOU!

The fact I feel the need to have a constant reminder in front of me is still pretty frightening. I've been questioning what other thoughts and behaviours I need to examine and pour over with a fine-tooth comb to find what else I trick myself into believing, as naturally as my body makes me breathe. I mean, I've been in therapy a long time now. I'm pretty aware of a lot of things that my brain makes me think that are simply not true, and I'm much better at talking myself through things that I was resistant to before. The idea that there's still so much there under the surface, in my unconscious, that is holding me hostage to my mental illness... that I'm still so beholden to my broken mind... can you even imagine that? Anyone whose experienced depression and anxiety and related disorders will have some idea, of course. I just imagine it must be unfathomable to most of the world who don't fight with their brain and thoughts constantly that something could be so very wrong with it, so wrong that you have absolutely no idea it is remotely wrong in the first place.

I've been going through a bad bout of insomnia the past couple weeks, so I'm not entirely certain this is making sense outside of my exhausted 5am brain... but I guess the bottom line is that I'm a bit scared. Not because my illness is so severe, because I've battled it most of my life. I've made enough improvement to know that I WILL beat this, in the end. I'm just wary of how far I have yet to go. It's a lot further than I thought it was, even just yesterday. What I don't lack, at least, is determination, and strength from pushing myself as much as I have already.