I Wish This Contentment Could Last Forever

It's 1am, I slept for aaaaages (which I so needed after weeks and weeks of severe insomnia), I'm working on some writing, listening to music, and for once, I'm smiling. I feel great for the first time in so long, I think I forgot how nice contentment can be.

Monday in court went even better than expected. It was terrifying and stressful, but I had support there the entire time. I'm so thankful for the calming presence of my friends. I won't go into details, but I was able to receive help from the Domestic Violence Representatives program on the day, and they were amazing. Perfect, really. Basically, I agreed to a thing I wanted to do anyway and my abuser agreed to withdraw the AVO. I wish I knew what the lawyer said to him. I wish this was a solution to all of life's problems, too. So ideal.

IT'S OVER. I'm so thankful and so grateful for everyone who has given support or even just the simplest note of sympathy. Every bit has truly helped. I'm especially thankful for the amazing friends I got to see on Sunday, because it was such the perfect pick me up before dealing with court. Maybe it's a small thing, but even just hearing their outrage and support in person, and how much they understood my actions (despite the anger and intensity)... yeah, it felt really great. I managed to sleep that night, which is the real sign of how much it helped. I expected to be up all night before court dreading it. So much love to you all. <3

So yeah, I feel as if I can finally breathe, as if a huge weight has been lifted from my life. And I survived! I survived a lot of very scary, intense emotions and dealing with some very trying events the first half of this year which came right after last year's stress of the marriage falling apart, etc. AND I've survived it all while making it past three months clean from self-harm. I think, I think I'm allowed to be very proud of myself.

There was a Me at one point in time who would have just run away from it all, who would have stayed silent and accepted that sometimes people just treat you badly, who would have tried to self-destruct instead of attempting to cope, and obviously that Me is still in there, somewhere. I wanted to do all of those things at various points in time. I really wanted everything to simply Go Away so badly. But these days I know that life just doesn't work that way, and sometimes things are really difficult, but it's worth it to hang onto whatever is important to you. In this case, it's been my health, my independence, and this life I've built for me in my home away from home.

I've lost some friends along the way, and I'm sad for that, of course. I didn't want it to happen the way it has, but it's nothing personal and I don't hate anyone. Also I feel that I know who to focus on building stronger friendships with, and that it has been a hard and important lesson. And I hope to find other, new friends too. It's a big city. There's a lot of awesome people I haven't met yet, I'm sure.

Most importantly, it can only go up from here, as far as I'm concerned. I'm going to make a concerted effort to keep fighting this stupid mental illness and figuring out whatever it is that is making me physically ill. I'm going to take a uni course next semester and get that going again. I'm going to keep working on my writing and submitting it for contests or publication. I'm going to spend time focusing on others over all the time I spend inside my own head (I'm pretty sick of it in there). I also hope to get back to volunteering once a week, too. I've fought hard for this life, with the help of a lot of people who love me. Now it's finally time to make it into the one I want to live.

The Value of a Soul

I've learned a lot over the years. Most of my lessons have been how to survive despite the odds life keeps stacking against me, and I do consider the strength I've garnered from these lessons to be extremely valuable. And, as is often the case, I'm still learning new things every moment and every day. Recently, I've been learning a lot about accepting help where others offer it and just how much love there truly is in my life. I'm learning just how lucky I am to be surrounded by some of the most amazing friends one could ask for, and how thankful I am for it.

I've spent a lot of time fighting with my mental illness and the lies it tells me. One of the most difficult things for me to accept has been the fact that there are people out there who truly care about me and my well being and would mourn my passing. Especially towards the end of last year, as my marriage fell apart, it became harder and harder to convince myself that anyone would even notice should I simply disappear one day, never to return. My illness whispered to me that I was utterly broken, unable to ever feel the love that others told me existed between me and them. It felt as if there was a black hole inside of me, sucking up all the emotions pointed my way so that I would never truly understand or experience them. No amount of logical reasoning from the healthy part of my brain could convince me otherwise.

But even within the last couple months, all of that has begun to change. I've let others in in ways I never have before, and I've experienced the assistance those around me are willing to provide when I need them most. I was worried that moving out of my dependent situation with someone to live on my own would cause me to isolate myself even further, hiding away from the world and all the things in it I find difficult to cope with sometimes. Yet, the opposite has happened, and I'm discovering new friendships, and strengthening those I've had for many years now. I understand now that people do value my friendship and enjoy spending time around me, truly. For the first time in many, many years, I feel cared for and loved. And I mean, truly feel it, in the place where I once believed nothing existed but the void that lay inside me.

2014 is very quickly becoming the year where I learn about the beauty and value in friendships, and how to accept what others have to offer me. I can only hope that 2014 is also the year where I learn to love myself, as a thank you to those who are trying so hard to do the loving of me FOR me until I can get there on my own.