Today was a pretty good day. I got some stuff done, made some tasty food, and then relaxed and watched a good movie, all on a few hours of sleep. It's the first truly functional day I've had in a while, and it feels great.
The only thing that's really changed, other than being tired of being a broken, blobby houseslug, is that I decided that there was no real point in sitting on the apology I wrote a while back to my friend who I am no longer speaking to, so I sent it along to him. I rewrote the damn thing a bunch of times, and I'm glad I did, because it was important to me to accept responsibility for the things I truly felt regret for without taking on the blame and guilt of the entire mess. Simply, it's because I don't feel like I did anything wrong except for when I reacted pretty badly to a lot of hurt and anger. And, well, I'm human, mental illness or no. Strong emotions tend to make you do stupid shit sometimes.
I wrote it for me more than for him, though I'm genuinely apologetic. I don't even know if he read it, and I give about zero fucks if he did or not. He's still not a person I want in my life, and too stubborn and prideful to admit he did anything wrong (or too ashamed? I don't really know), but I would be pretty surprised if I ever got an apology back. Even if I did, I don't know how I'd react. There's a bit too much betrayal there for me to forgive it completely, I think. (See my writing blog: Trust. I wish that wasn't where I was at, but it's pretty accurate to how I feel about the whole thing, even if I exaggerated the evil intent. Probably.) But I don't hate him. I think he acted a lot out of fear and self-preservation, which is something I understand pretty well. And he did truly care about me at one point, and helped me a lot at a time I needed it... so no, I don't hate him. No, none of that excuses him treating me pretty poorly and all the hurt he caused, but, in the end, I'm not the sort to hold onto hate and resentment for too long.
So, I've mourned the loss of the amazing friendship I had, however briefly. I've wallowed in my misery and hurt feelings and anger. I've spent the time I needed to rage and cry and let it all spin around in my head until it drove me mad. And now I'm truly, honestly done. I said my last piece, as succinctly and plainly as I could, and I hope the door to that part of my life stays shut for good.
There's one decision, one moment I do truly regret, because it may have salvaged what was good before it was too late. When he first pulled away, before he knew that was a trigger and thought it was the best decision at that moment, and when I had first expressed the need for space and time to sort out my complex feelings (*cough*)... just before everything spiralled into chaos, I let fear make a decision for me. To be fair, I was triggered pretty badly by something he couldn't have foreseen would have that effect, and it scared me shitless and put me in such a high state of anxiety that I'm not sure I could have chosen otherwise in that moment. Even before then, I was pretty terrified basically all the time. I barely managed the move out of my marriage and into a new apartment and new life with a lot of help from others. I was a pretty broken wreck by that point and I'd spent 7 years being mostly dependent. The thought of being on my own filled me with large amounts of dread. So yeah, the thought of losing even part of the close friendship I'd found was unthinkable, and I panicked.
No, I don't think I could have made the 'right' decision, the one which agreed that space was a good idea, but I regret what I did choose... and that was absolute, raw honesty. I let him in to the scary places in my head and trusted him when he reassured me, time and again, that I couldn't break what we had. True trust is something very precious to me, and as such, there are a very few, specific people I let in beyond the thickest of my walls. At that point, it was four people total, and now it is three. And I let him in further than anyone else previously, even the husband. When it became evident that we weren't as unbreakable as he said, I still trusted him, because not to do so beyond that point was too devastating. And it was when everything finally, and inevitably, fell apart beyond repair.
You'd think having your marriage fall apart after realising it was a toxic situation you needed to break free from and moving out on your own while too ill to work would be enough stress for the year/decade/lifetime, but no... being betrayed so completely by someone you left yourself so very vulnerable to, well, that's just the icing on the cake I needed this year. But I finally understand why it's taken me so long to process, adjust, cope, and finally pull myself back up once again. This shit just needed time to sort itself out inside my head.
And I'm pretty grateful and proud that I'm still here, that this hasn't broken me completely, cause it wouldn't be unreasonable if it did. But, if nothing else, years of coping with my mental illness has taught me a lot of resilience. You fail and fall down enough times, you get pretty used to picking yourself back up, too. And I've made it to 41 days clean from self-harm. You can't be too broken if you aren't self-destructive. Not that I haven't been tempted a lot, but I know it won't help anything except add to my collection of scars. Even in this last couple weeks of extremely depressed blobbiness, there's been a small voice within me forcing me to keep pushing, to move forward, and to survive. I'm finally free to live my life the way that makes me truly happy, so I know it would be silly to give up now, no matter how awful I feel.
And so, I close one door behind me and open another. No more looking back. I'm still only just beginning.
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Friday, April 25, 2014
Friday, March 28, 2014
Come So Far, Yet Still So Far To Go
There are a lot of things I'm still trying to come to terms with about my life, my illnesses (mental and physical), who I am, who I want to be, regrets, mistakes, worries, dreams...
I underestimated just how much I would end up turning my life inside-out and completely upside-down by leaving my 7 year marriage and beginning the long journey towards finding my own independence. I am constantly learning things about myself and about those around me, both strengths and weaknesses. The most interesting realisation is just how VERY skewed my thoughts and emotions are from my mental illness and experiences up until this point. One of the most difficult symptoms to deal with from depression and other mental health disorders is that you are, to put it bluntly, delusional. Your brain cannot tell the truth from the utterly disgusting lies it is creating. As I've been in treatment, I've understood this to be true, but the actual extent of it is still surprising to me.
The harsh truth of the matter is that my marriage was an extremely unhealthy relationship for me, and I'd even go so far as to label it emotionally abusive overall. Not intentionally, of course. And you can forgive a lot of things based on good intentions. But still, intertwined with the abuse was co-dependence and the roles of carer and caree, and so I felt trapped long before the actual marriage ended. While I've escaped it physically, there are so many mental traps I keep falling into; 7 years of habits and thought processes I need to unravel and unlearn. This process will be slow, and part of the solution is simply going to be time.
Recently, I have finally understood that how easily I forgive and forget, which I always considered a good thing in relationships, is also a huge weakness for someone recovering from a situation such as mine. I'm the sort that doesn't anger easily and, if I do reach that point, I tend to calm down quickly afterwards and it's like it never happened. Where it becomes problematic is if I allow myself to forget about things that are actually quite hurtful and damaging for me and happily jump back into the same situation all over again, often because I'm clinging to whatever I feel is still good. Recently, I got caught in an unhealthy cycle with a close friend which was really painful and terrible for both of us. Despite the fact that I agreed I needed the space as much as he did, I find my mind ignoring how hurt and angry and self-destructive I've been over the past couple months and simply missing what's now gone from my life. And once that begins, I start falling down the hole of self-blame and guilt and begin to believe all the lies my depressed, anxious brain always whispers to me. It feels like a vicious maze my mind has trapped me in that's so well hidden I didn't even realise it was happening until now.
I was on the edge of that abyss tonight, beginning to fall, when somehow I was able to pull myself back and say NO, it was a horrible place to be in your life and you don't want to go back there! Like, it was a shock to me that I ever really forgot in the first place. I am so trained to squash down all of my negative emotions and feelings to, I don't even know what... keep the peace? Tolerate terrible situations? Fool myself into thinking I needed certain things to be 'whole' or 'healthy', despite how blatantly that isn't true? I haven't really sorted it all out, even if I can see the pitfalls in my own mind. That is a conversation I will be having with my therapist the next time I see her.
Mostly, I was just horrified at how natural it was, and still seems to be. It's like I will keep getting dragged back there against my will if I'm not vigilant enough against my own thoughts. I wrote huge notes with a texta which now live above my monitor:
DO NOT FORGET
IT WAS PAINFUL.
IT WAS UNHEALTHY.
IT CAUSED YOU TO BE SELF-DESTRUCTIVE.
DO NOT GO BACK TO THE PLACE IN YOUR MIND WHERE THAT IS OKAY!!!
YOU ARE BETTER OFF WITHOUT ANYONE IN YOUR LIFE WHO HURTS YOU!
The fact I feel the need to have a constant reminder in front of me is still pretty frightening. I've been questioning what other thoughts and behaviours I need to examine and pour over with a fine-tooth comb to find what else I trick myself into believing, as naturally as my body makes me breathe. I mean, I've been in therapy a long time now. I'm pretty aware of a lot of things that my brain makes me think that are simply not true, and I'm much better at talking myself through things that I was resistant to before. The idea that there's still so much there under the surface, in my unconscious, that is holding me hostage to my mental illness... that I'm still so beholden to my broken mind... can you even imagine that? Anyone whose experienced depression and anxiety and related disorders will have some idea, of course. I just imagine it must be unfathomable to most of the world who don't fight with their brain and thoughts constantly that something could be so very wrong with it, so wrong that you have absolutely no idea it is remotely wrong in the first place.
I've been going through a bad bout of insomnia the past couple weeks, so I'm not entirely certain this is making sense outside of my exhausted 5am brain... but I guess the bottom line is that I'm a bit scared. Not because my illness is so severe, because I've battled it most of my life. I've made enough improvement to know that I WILL beat this, in the end. I'm just wary of how far I have yet to go. It's a lot further than I thought it was, even just yesterday. What I don't lack, at least, is determination, and strength from pushing myself as much as I have already.
I underestimated just how much I would end up turning my life inside-out and completely upside-down by leaving my 7 year marriage and beginning the long journey towards finding my own independence. I am constantly learning things about myself and about those around me, both strengths and weaknesses. The most interesting realisation is just how VERY skewed my thoughts and emotions are from my mental illness and experiences up until this point. One of the most difficult symptoms to deal with from depression and other mental health disorders is that you are, to put it bluntly, delusional. Your brain cannot tell the truth from the utterly disgusting lies it is creating. As I've been in treatment, I've understood this to be true, but the actual extent of it is still surprising to me.
The harsh truth of the matter is that my marriage was an extremely unhealthy relationship for me, and I'd even go so far as to label it emotionally abusive overall. Not intentionally, of course. And you can forgive a lot of things based on good intentions. But still, intertwined with the abuse was co-dependence and the roles of carer and caree, and so I felt trapped long before the actual marriage ended. While I've escaped it physically, there are so many mental traps I keep falling into; 7 years of habits and thought processes I need to unravel and unlearn. This process will be slow, and part of the solution is simply going to be time.
Recently, I have finally understood that how easily I forgive and forget, which I always considered a good thing in relationships, is also a huge weakness for someone recovering from a situation such as mine. I'm the sort that doesn't anger easily and, if I do reach that point, I tend to calm down quickly afterwards and it's like it never happened. Where it becomes problematic is if I allow myself to forget about things that are actually quite hurtful and damaging for me and happily jump back into the same situation all over again, often because I'm clinging to whatever I feel is still good. Recently, I got caught in an unhealthy cycle with a close friend which was really painful and terrible for both of us. Despite the fact that I agreed I needed the space as much as he did, I find my mind ignoring how hurt and angry and self-destructive I've been over the past couple months and simply missing what's now gone from my life. And once that begins, I start falling down the hole of self-blame and guilt and begin to believe all the lies my depressed, anxious brain always whispers to me. It feels like a vicious maze my mind has trapped me in that's so well hidden I didn't even realise it was happening until now.
I was on the edge of that abyss tonight, beginning to fall, when somehow I was able to pull myself back and say NO, it was a horrible place to be in your life and you don't want to go back there! Like, it was a shock to me that I ever really forgot in the first place. I am so trained to squash down all of my negative emotions and feelings to, I don't even know what... keep the peace? Tolerate terrible situations? Fool myself into thinking I needed certain things to be 'whole' or 'healthy', despite how blatantly that isn't true? I haven't really sorted it all out, even if I can see the pitfalls in my own mind. That is a conversation I will be having with my therapist the next time I see her.
Mostly, I was just horrified at how natural it was, and still seems to be. It's like I will keep getting dragged back there against my will if I'm not vigilant enough against my own thoughts. I wrote huge notes with a texta which now live above my monitor:
DO NOT FORGET
IT WAS PAINFUL.
IT WAS UNHEALTHY.
IT CAUSED YOU TO BE SELF-DESTRUCTIVE.
DO NOT GO BACK TO THE PLACE IN YOUR MIND WHERE THAT IS OKAY!!!
YOU ARE BETTER OFF WITHOUT ANYONE IN YOUR LIFE WHO HURTS YOU!
The fact I feel the need to have a constant reminder in front of me is still pretty frightening. I've been questioning what other thoughts and behaviours I need to examine and pour over with a fine-tooth comb to find what else I trick myself into believing, as naturally as my body makes me breathe. I mean, I've been in therapy a long time now. I'm pretty aware of a lot of things that my brain makes me think that are simply not true, and I'm much better at talking myself through things that I was resistant to before. The idea that there's still so much there under the surface, in my unconscious, that is holding me hostage to my mental illness... that I'm still so beholden to my broken mind... can you even imagine that? Anyone whose experienced depression and anxiety and related disorders will have some idea, of course. I just imagine it must be unfathomable to most of the world who don't fight with their brain and thoughts constantly that something could be so very wrong with it, so wrong that you have absolutely no idea it is remotely wrong in the first place.
I've been going through a bad bout of insomnia the past couple weeks, so I'm not entirely certain this is making sense outside of my exhausted 5am brain... but I guess the bottom line is that I'm a bit scared. Not because my illness is so severe, because I've battled it most of my life. I've made enough improvement to know that I WILL beat this, in the end. I'm just wary of how far I have yet to go. It's a lot further than I thought it was, even just yesterday. What I don't lack, at least, is determination, and strength from pushing myself as much as I have already.
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