Anxiety: A Story

Today, I needed to go to the shops and purchase a bus ticket, because my current one was going to run out. I was 98.7% sure that the shop I was heading to sold bus tickets. In fact, the idea that they wouldn’t sell bus tickets is almost absurd, especially as I’d looked up on the transport website at some point and seen that they are listed as a ticket retailer.

Walking into the shop, I looked around for a sign to reassure me that they did, indeed, sell tickets, but there wasn’t one anywhere I could see. Panic began to set in. I went to grab a water bottle first, as that was my other goal of this shop visit, and tried to decide what I would do about the situation. Here is where most people would ask the probably very nice woman behind the counter if the shop sold tickets or not, and of course I thought of that. It’s not that I didn’t realise that not only was that the fastest and most direct solution to my problem, but also that it would likely result in me purchasing the ticket I needed, because the chance they sold them was extremely high. We are talking 1.3% here.

But to someone with anxiety, it doesn’t matter how large or small that gap is between not being sure and being 100% absolutely certain you know what is going on, because 1.3% or 64% chance you are wrong is still a chance. Any chance something will not go exactly as you planned or predicted is enough of a crack for your anxiety to get in there and begin the rapid descent into dizzying panic. You go from walking into a shop fairly confidently to "Quick, run through all possible scenarios as to how this shop visit will now turn out" in the matter of mere seconds.

I decided to wander the aisles towards the back of the small store while my brain began its routine calculation of outcomes.

Some days, I am able to push the ridiculous amount of panic out of my mind long enough to force myself to do the easiest and most obvious solution, despite the fact that it's also the one that involves the most amount of variables and therefore causes me the most amount of stress. On those days, I have enough sense to realise that this is the most likely way to reach my goal and the chance of something going wrong that I haven't accounted for is so small that it is nigh on impossible. On those days, I leave shops happy and proud of myself for doing a thing my brain was screaming at me not to do.

Other days, the panic is just more than I'm able to handle and the thought of making myself do something with even the tiniest chance of an unpredictable result makes my brain freeze up and my heart pound and I go into "deer in headlights" mode. (Recently, I've learned that my "deer in headlights" mode is a form of disassociation, where I detach myself from my sense of reality because I'm finding it too overwhelming. Well. No wonder accomplishing things sometimes is just plain difficult!) On these days, I will wander aimlessly, pretending to intently study the products on the shelves, while in fact I am using all of my brain power to problem solve for a resolution to my situation that I'm able to handle at that given moment. Those days are the ones I generally leave shops angry and disappointed at myself, sometimes with and sometimes without the thing I intended to get.

Well, today was a spectacular failure in terms of coping with my anxiety. After a small amount of wandering, I decided that I didn't want to put back the water bottle and leave the shop to regroup and possibly purchase the ticket elsewhere (also scary for embarrassment reasons). I also didn't have cash, so I couldn't simply purchase the water bottle on its own with EFTPOS (that's a debit/credit card machine to you non-Australians), as there was a $10 minimum. So, the only solution I could stand the thought of was to find more things to buy and hope I worked up the nerve to ask the shop assistant about tickets when I went up to the counter.

No, I didn't work up the nerve as I'd hoped. I did, however, leave the shop after purchasing the water bottle and two large blocks of chocolate to ensure I was safely getting over $10 worth of items.

And I hated myself immediately upon stepping outside. But I did learn that crippling anxiety can sometimes have the positive side effect of leaving a shop with a LOT of chocolate.

(I did manage to get a bus ticket much later in the day after taking care of other things I needed to do, and getting cash out of an ATM and then braving a newsagent ALSO without signs. But newsagents not selling bus tickets would be even more absurd than my local shop not selling them. An awkward but painless interaction with a lady who was very trusting of my concession status ensued, and I felt dumb afterwards, BUT I had a bus ticket. Success at last.)

The Bottom Line (TRIGGER WARNING for Self Harm)

There's things that have been nagging at me a bit that I think have gotten lost in shuffle and craziness of the past few months, in my anger and frustration, in my need to prove that it was abuse, and everything else.

Most important is this: the way I was treated was abuse, and no one gets to decide that but me.

I can shout until my voice goes hoarse, but it doesn't matter if anyone believes me or not, because no one can understand what I felt and experienced at the hands of the person who harmed me. He may not have laid a hand on me, but his actions were just as dangerous for my health as if he had. This could have been unintentional or subconscious, it could be an isolated incident and not a pattern he's exhibited with others (especially partners), he may not be a malicious, terrible person and something made him behave out of character with me (frex, a need to "protect" himself, such as I discussed in my last blog post) ... ALL these things might be true, but none of them make it okay.

And the scars may have come from my own hand, but they are lasting and real. I have self-harmed off and on for 15 years, and never have I experienced the crazy intensity of visiting the ER multiple times for wounds as I did the beginning of this year. Coincidentally, I was also gaslighted into a devastating spiral of guilt and self-hate. When you fuck around with someone already in a really vulnerable place, it is dangerous.

TRIGGER WARNING: Self harm scars
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The largest scar on my thigh is from the second to last ER visit I had (the last being when my abuser called the cops on me for being suicidal). I had to go in because the wound refused to stop bleeding. I know the photo is a lot.. I get triggered by similar online all the time, so I'm sorry if it is. But to me it's a physical reminder of just how insidious his behaviour was, how real the pain and trauma he caused me was. I wear a lot of scars from the years of self-harm, but nothing, nothing like this. This was him inside my head.

And I can hear the excuses coming from his side, that it is some sort of 'proof' that I was using the harm to gain his attention or get him to spend time with me. Not only is it a disgusting stereotype that those who harm do it for attention, but no one who harms both seriously and longterm does it for anyone but themselves. It's hard to discuss all the thoughts and emotions that go into taking everything out on yourself, and violently so, but it is pretty fucking selfish to make a terrible and destructive act about YOU and not the person actually in pain. (I don't know if my abuser's said anything to this effect at all, to be fair, but it makes sense after how many times he accused me of being too 'dependent' and unable to 'self-regulate' and being 'emotionally manipulative', as well as his fear of 'attaching his presence to things'.)

And that's the key, really, that in times of conflict, disagreement, or distress.. it was ALL about him. Everything was always about how I was affecting him, and nothing was about how I was feeling, how he put himself in this position of support/carer, how he affected me. I was the problem. I was manipulating him. I was too much. It was okay to hurt me because he had to. I had to adhere to his boundaries and restrictions, but he had to continue doing the one thing without warning that I asked him to give me warning for. The control he exerted over me was for my own good. He'd given so much already, so expecting anything (especially consideration of my feelings) was unreasonable. No one else was good enough to help me, but I wasn't good enough to be worthy of his help, either. He reassured me and lied to my face over and over, empty promises, and then caused pain all over again.

It was dehumanising, invalidating, painful, frustrating, and I was always on edge, always anxious. I am still overly anxious, unable to sleep, terrified that I will run into him somewhere, always a bit paranoid that it is not actually over. I don't care who, what, where, when or WHY, but he controlled and manipulated me using his position of power over me (a self-appointed position of support), and it harmed me. That is abuse.

Where I'm At: Could Be Better But I'm Coping

Okay, so Zen Mode hasn't quite been going as planned, for various reasons. Still feeling so conflicted about everything, and my brain just stubbornly REFUSES to let everything go. I do not cope well with things completely out of my control. This is a common factor in a lot of mental illness... because so much IS out of our control by default (especially our thoughts). So, it's nice to feel like we can control and fix as much else as possible. With anxiety in particular, our minds dredge stuff up and constantly worry over things until a solution or resolution can be found. When that's not possible, then you get to continuously process it for, basically, ever. It's really exhausting.

This is why my process of dealing with problems or conflict is to talk things out until we reach an understanding both parties are okay with. Obviously, having space and time to let emotions cool can be super important, whether I want to have that or not. But I am definitely a talk things out sort of person. Probably I overdo it a bit sometimes, but admittedly that's because I will do whatever I can to get my brain to the point of it shutting the heck up. Often if things end up resolved in some way, I can talk myself out of the worst of any lingering anxieties or stray thoughts.

On the other hand, if you shut me down and refuse to have any sort of discussion so that no resolution can be found, then I will just stay in constant anxiety-limbo. This is pretty much where I'm at right now, despite how much I've rationalised and processed everything and logically I understand the whats and whys. It's still a big something I cannot address directly or be able to fix, because the other party has cut me out of his life as completely as possible. That is beyond my control entirely. Nothing I say or do will change his mind, and I know that. But my brain refuses to cope with 'out of sight, out of mind'. More like 'out of sight, HAHA THINK ABOUT THIS EVERY SECOND OF EVERYDAY, SUCKER.'

Anxiety is pretty much an asshole.

Obviously, there was the super hostile email that triggered a lot of emotions I had finally started putting behind me, making everything fresh all over again. I basically have been back at square one, no matter how much I am beyond caring if a resolution ever occurs. But the worst bit is that the other party thinks they can communicate with me about a bunch of things regarding our situation but refuse to entertain any sort of response from me. They ended the email with, "Don't reply, I won't read it." Um. Sorry, but that's not how this stuff works. You can't dictate terms to me and expect me to simply comply. And when I send a short, reasonable message ages later just to work out one thing that was niggling at me, ignoring it to the point of not even saying yes or no so we're on the same page is really just starting to be an asshole for the sake of it. Especially when you know social space is a huge anxiety trigger, so I was doing it for selfish reasons, but ones that let my brain keep me from being terrified of attending things my friends have invited me too (y'know, the ones that DO want to still see me).

Yeah, it triggered some poor reactions from me again, because it was so hurtful and infuriating. I regret continuing to allow strong emotions to dictate my reactions to things, but part of the point of it being a reaction is that I'm not entirely in control of my behaviour at that moment. I want to be more mindful of how I choose to act in future, but that will take time and practice. Until then, I'm only an imperfect human, and it doesn't matter if I react badly sometimes... it doesn't give anyone the right to treat me so badly. And, honestly, this is a thing I've kind of needed to learn, so I guess that is me looking on the positive side somewhat.

But a friend made a really relevant comment when we had a chat about everything the other day. He is trying to control me and my behaviour because he isn't dealing with it well, or at all, really. But that is something HE needs to learn... that you can't control others beyond a reasonable extent. And that is especially true in public spaces, on the internet or in person. I got another response tonight in regards to some interactions in public internet space. It was almost an actually civil request. He said please and everything. But public space is just that, public. It belongs to everyone. If you don't like the behaviour, ignore it. Nothing I have done or said was remotely unreasonable. I wasn't trying to pick a fight, but if he takes it that way, I can't help it. Just like I can't control what he thinks or assumes about me, I can't control his reactions to things I do, nor will I censor myself for someone else's comfort when it's unreasonable to do so. (Reasonable requests are another thing entirely... or if I were going out of my way to make someone else uncomfortable, but reading shit into a public discussion is on you, buddy.) I am interacting in a civil way in a public space. *shrug*

(Actually, I also linked something I thought he'd also really enjoy... but realised later it could be taken passive aggressively? But I can't control if that's what he thinks my intention was, either. Fortunately, my anxiety brain has pretty much let that go.)

Honestly, I just expected him to ignore the thing entirely. I didn't expect him to contact me yet again. And despite my strong impulse to respond in kind, I realised it was pointless. I'm still annoyed he feels it's okay to continue to attempt to dictate my behaviour, no matter how politely he phrased it. But it's not worth the time or energy of even the most minimal response. I will be as civil as possible in shared spaces, but I know it's beyond my ability to change anything now (nor do I particularly want to... it hurts and I'm angry and I'd rather things were NOT this way, but I really want everything about the entire situation to just Go Away).

So yeah, proud of the fact that I curbed my impulses in this situation, because it just wasn't going to be helpful. But it triggered some pretty bad anxiety tonight. It's taken me ages to calm back down, and the most helpful distraction was being scared out of my wits by a cockroach on my bed in my lap as I wrote this (waaaaaaaaaah T.T). I set up a Gmail filter so I won't be tempted to click on any more shitty emails should he be tempted to criticise my public behaviour once again (doubtful but I really don't want to get triggered anymore... do not NEED).

I realise that he thinks that I am 'the problem' and that by trying to pretend I don't exist that it solves 'the problem', and it is entirely out of my control to change his mind. And even if he did happen to think differently, he probably also doesn't trust that I will respect his boundaries (for some good and some bullshit reasons), so that is a trust that is broken and won't be fixed without me just leaving him alone. Which I am trying to do. Outside of public areas we coexist, anyway. And that doesn't take into account that I don't trust him to respect any of my boundaries either, but that's pretty irrelevant anyway.

Ok, I'm actually more zen about the whole thing in general if I can talk myself through things, but I still find myself hurting and missing whatever things were good between us before this mess, and missing him, because I know he's not an inherently bad person even if he's dealing with this situation in a very hurtful and selfish manner. It is still much related to my blog post from ages ago about my brain dragging me into emotional places that are extremely unhealthy for me and doing it subconsciously most of the time. It's put me in a pretty bad depression hole over the past couple weeks. Zero motivation or ability to function almost. Combined with some pretty epic pain from my undiagnosed chronic something, and I have pretty much been an isolated blob in my apartment for a while now. I also decided I couldn't give my uni studies the focus I need to for now, so I'm withdrawing and trying again next semester when hopefully everything has settled. It sucks and I'm frustrated to push it back once again, but my health will always be my first priority.

Anyway, I realise this isolation is not helpful for me in any way, SO I'm gonna start kicking my own ass and doing little things to get myself back into a healthier mindset. For instance, I have quite a bit of opportunities for social time this long weekend, and I intend to take advantage of that. It will do me a lot of good to keep pushing myself beyond the comforts of my social anxiety and take advantage of things people have invited me to attend (or want to attend with me). I don't have to stay ages if it's stressful or overwhelming, but the effort of it is still pretty worthwhile. I may even run into the source of all this drama and stress, but in public, social space I will either ignore him or be as civil as possible. Last thing I need is to drag people I care about into our pretty terrible mess, and I know he doesn't want that, either. Once we start coexisting comfortably, it'll probably be best for both of us in the long run.

Though, I do hope to get to the point where my brain just shuts up and lets everything go. I'm trying to keep distracted or even practise some of the mindfulness breathing my psychologist taught me last time I saw her... but that's not a solution or a fix. It just helps me cope. And I'm certain my friends are tired of hearing about all of this (I am tired of talking and thinking about it!). My housemate has actually banned the subject, which I totally respect so much. I don't want anyone else dragged down because of this, and I need to take the crazier parts of my illness to a professional. And I will. I have an appointment with the mental health nurse I met when I had my overnight ER stay a little while back, since I can't see my regular psychologist as often as I'd like. (Also, housemate is lovely and able to be really upfront and honest about this stuff, so it's easy to respect her boundaries... lessons a certain someone needs to learn. >.> Ok, that was definitely snarky. But this is my space to rant, dammit.)

So yeah, this has been a pretty shitty period in coping with my illness, but I'm used to having periods like this. Sometimes it sneaks up on you and becomes disabling once again. But that doesn't mean I've failed at life, just that I had yet another setback. As always, you pick up the pieces and start over again, step by step. It's a constant fight, but a worthwhile one.

P.S. - Despite falling back into a pretty terrible headspace, I'm staying clean on the self-harm front and feeling pretty fucking badass. 33 days and counting. <3

Interpersonal Relationships with Very Anxious People: A How To

Chances are that you will have to deal with an anxious person in your life sooner or later. It's a common mental illness that many deal with, whether you realise it or not. Those with generalised and/or social anxiety often have trouble with interpersonal interactions and can find them overwhelming. Worrying thoughts are constantly bombarding them and there's nothing they can do to make them stop. Even with a therapist's help, they often simply learn to ignore the worst of those thoughts so that they can handle situations better. They often can unintentionally be difficult to deal with; needing reassurance, lacking in confidence, and/or feeling like a burden to those around them. With a bit of patience and understanding, you can help them cope with something that is both difficult and out of their control, and hopefully build up some of their confidence in interpersonal relationship situations, as well.

These are a few rules to help interact with them in ways that ease their already high-level of stress in social situations, rather than add to it accidentally. It also can help avoid draining reassurance cycles that can become common between a person with anxiety and someone trying to have a friend/relationship with them.

1) If they ask you to be honest, be honest, whether it is good or bad.

Anxious people have a tendency to second-guess, mind read, assume worst-case scenario, or otherwise become overwhelmed and confused if they don't have a clear grasp of the situation. These thoughts are constant and often will weigh them down, whether they show it or not. Upfront, clear communication is the best policy in any interpersonal situation, but this is especially true if you are interacting with someone with generalised and/or social anxiety. If you are reluctant to say something because you're worried about a bad reaction, well, the anxious person has probably already thought of the worst thing you could say in any given situation; the likelihood is that whatever you say, even if it is negative, will still be a relief to them, because a) they can stop worrying and b) it's almost never as bad as they think.

2) If they ask for any clarification or reassurance, give it to them and be as straightforward as possible.

If they are asking repeatedly, to your annoyance, then they are obviously unclear or uncertain about something in the relationship. In this situation, try to get to the bottom of the true worry. Ask why they need reassurance about your feelings, because likely there is something specific bothering them but they're afraid to ask.

3) Reassure them they can ask you about anything bothering them with no judgement attached.

If you find that they are reluctant to ask you openly about their worries, try to help build their confidence that they can have an open and honest dialogue with you. If you're open and honest with them, as you should be, they will probably begin to trust you much more quickly, anyway. However, they may still need a bit of reassurance that needing clarification about something that is bothering them, no matter how irrational it may seem to you, the person outside their mind, is totally okay. It's better for both of you in the long run to address things and ease the anxious person's mind, as once they understand things better, they will often calm down fairly quickly.

4) If you feel you need to set boundaries, be extremely clear about what they are and why they need to be in place.

Sometimes dealing with a highly anxious person can be tiring and difficult for the other person involved, and in no way should they be bending over backwards to the extent that they find it draining for their own health. Clear and healthy boundaries should be a part of any strong interpersonal relationship, whether you are dealing with someone with a mental illness or not. As long as you are completely upfront and honest about where you need boundaries to exist and why, then the anxious person should be able to abide by them without panicking or letting their worries overwhelm them. Let them ask any questions necessary to get them in a place they understand everything and are comfortable with it.

5) In the event something goes wrong, conflict arises, or the anxious person doesn't respect your boundaries, always default to open, honest and clear communication.

This can be especially difficult if and when high emotions are involved, but if you're able to, it's still in both of your best interest to be as upfront and clear as possible in these situations. If you feel that you cannot discuss something further at that moment because you're too angry or upset, just say so and promise you will talk things over later after both parties are calmer. If you feel that space is needed, same thing. But be as clear as you can about what you need and why. Default to at least stating the situation and the minimal amount of explanation you feel is necessary for both of you to be on the same page about everything. Non-communication will likely put the anxious person's brain into overdrive, causing panic and worry and possibly heightening their anxiety to levels that are out of their ability to control. This will only lead to more misunderstandings and the situation deteriorating even further, as opposed to finding a resolution.

6) Hold them accountable for their actions, while avoiding placing blame on them or their illness.

Depending on their level of treatment and experience with interpersonal interactions, it's likely they have a lot to learn about managing their illness while successfully navigating relationships with others. It's easy to want to place blame if they end up hurting or upsetting you, but you're likely to start their overactive mind down a path of guilt and berating themselves for their mistakes. So, while you shouldn't let it slide if they do upset you in some way, try to talk things out calmly, after a period of space if necessary, and help them understand why what they did was problematic and how it affected you. They will never learn if they aren't held accountable for their behaviours, but at the same time, you should try to avoid letting them get into a negative headspace about the conflict if at all possible. The more irrational they are, the less likely they will truly learn from their mistakes in the first place.

The bottom line is that these are useful habits to build for any interpersonal relationship, but they are doubly important if the person you are dealing with suffers from anxiety. If there is any level of confusion or statements left too open to interpretation, the anxious mind will grab onto those and worry and nitpick and likely become bogged down by their overwhelming thoughts. This will likely put them into a place that makes it harder for you to want to interact with them and harder for them to ever learn better skills for interacting with others.

Another important disclaimer is that if you suspect someone of having highly anxious thoughts and behaviour, but they aren't being treated for it, encourage them to see a professional as soon as possible. Friends and partners can only do so much for those with mental illness, and they need a psychologist or psychiatrist trained in therapy to truly start them on their road to recovery.

Any additions? Comments? Constructive criticisms? I'd love to hear what you think, from both sides of the equation.

Understanding Where Things Went Wrong (Part 2)

Things I should note about the last post:

I don't blame my husband, nor do I hate him in any way. I don't think it was intentional at all, regardless of how it affected me. He's still a dear friend to me, and I hope always will be.

Also, I think it's important to understand the definition of dependence, which I overlooked. It is about feeling that you cannot function without someone helping you with everything. It is about thinking you are inadequate at coping with an overwhelming world and feel that you require a supportive relationship in your life to survive. They ignore and deny all their own needs and wants in order to maintain the relationship they depend on, and are unquestioningly loyal and supportive at the expense of their own individuality.

Yeah, I don't feel any of that is remotely true for me. If I thought I was unable to function on my own, I would never have moved out in the first place. The entire point of getting out of my situation was because I was desperate to learn to be independent and didn't want to go back to a situation where I required someone to take care of me. Yeah, stuff is really hard, and I'm definitely not healthy yet, so I do need some help and support. But I don't need anyone in my life. Eventually, I will get there.

So yeah, unhealthy attachment. That is a whole other thing entirely, and something I will admit to. But the whole situation was pretty complicated and got out of control pretty quickly. Probably why I've spent so much time braindumping and processing and trying to understand everything.

I think it came from finding someone I felt I could trust in a lot of ways I really haven't in years, especially since moving to Australia. There was a closeness there I had been craving for a very long time. I have good friends, and many who care about me a lot, and I feel the same. And I even have a couple really quite close friend/relationships, but they don't live in Sydney. So there's still a certain level of very close friend I haven't had. Like someone I could ring up and be like.. hey, I feel like some company, want to hang out? That sort of comfort level. Admittedly, I've been super anti-social for many mental illness reasons since I moved here, and I am not the sort to trust very easily at all, though I've desired to have more intimacy in my life. So I've felt quite lonely, intensified by the isolation and my illness and being trapped in an unhealthy relationship.

So yeah, having finally found that, my brain went YES, this is awesome. Must hang onto at all costs!! Which I suppose is warning sign number one, but all went well for a while anyway, so hard to say I could have figured it out by that point. Then it was yanked away from me, quite suddenly and in a particularly triggering way for me, which started a whole long downward spiral of badness.

The best place to start is to mention the fact that my self-harm addiction reared its ugly head in a pretty significant way while my marriage fell apart last year. And I've still been struggling with it even after moving out. Normally, I don't reach out for help after self-harming to anyone at all, and also, it usually isn't severe enough for medical attention. However, because well-meaning friends were taking away most of the sharp things around me they could find, I resorted to pulling blades out of my shaving razors. They were very sharp, much more than I was used to, and so I ended up with deep cuts a few times on accident. And so, I freaked out and then called the one person I really trusted.

This led to concerns about associating my self-harm tendencies with someone rushing to help me out, and the associated concerns of dependency and, eventually, that I am unable to self-regulate when and how much I truly need someone for support. Needless to say, I disagree with all of that, and I've explained why at least in regards to the dependency. But that's beside the point. The way I found out about all of these concerns was after an extremely bad and stressful day. I ended up with a really bad wound that didn't stop bleeding. I freaked out and reached out for help... but he was with some other good friends, and without telling me why, he sent them in and refused to come in and see me. Unbeknownst to him, non-communication is a massive and traumatic trigger for me, and I freaked out really badly. It's related to stuff that happened over a decade ago, and it hadn't come up for me in a very long time. Still, I was really hurt and I felt that he betrayed my trust. It's hard enough for me to call someone I've put trust in for help. To be avoided by that person without explanation was pretty beyond what my brain was able to cope with. And that started the unhealthy cycle that ensued, because I ended up far past my threshold of thinking clearly, and I stayed there.

A good diagram of an unhealthy attachment cycle

Most of the details beyond that are unimportant and unnecessary. After the triggering incident, I was very, very clear about why that's a big problem for me and that all I need is upfront, honest communication about what's going on and why. But despite that, my friend kept pulling away from me, since he felt he needed to for his own health, and he was really terrible at ever communicating to me about it. Generally, things that needed to be boundaries would come out after a conflict, and after I was blamed for things going wrong. So yeah, this whole cycle kept my brain in high anxiety overdrive, second-guessing and freaking out at how different his words of reassurance were from his actions of pulling away more and more. So, I kept clinging more and more tightly, terrified and panicked about losing this super important friendship that I had finally found after so long. Rationally, I know that is a terrible idea and never ends well, but I wasn't coping with things at all. I haven't found myself in a situation like this in a very, very long time, so I was a bit lost and flailing about trying to keep the friendship intact, and feeling like I was never able to do anything right to do so.

This also led me into a really terrible space in my mind, full of blame and guilt and self-destructive behaviours. The judgments of my behaviours and motivations made me react defensively, because I knew they weren't true. But because I was panicked about saving the friendship, I would take on these ideas and, since I did honestly make mistakes, believe these terrible things about me to be true. So, I'd backtrack and give in and do whatever I thought would help things go back to status quo. But after every conflict, he'd pull further away instinctively, though without any true explanation of his needs. So I'd get hurt or angry because he was acting different to how I thought things were, react extremely poorly, and everything would start all over again.

Finally, enough was enough, for both of us. I was tired of feeling constantly one step behind because of the lack of communication and how quickly things had changed in the space of a couple months. I was tired of feeling blamed, judged and completely misunderstood, as if my feelings or perception of things was completely invalid or even important. I was tired of being shut down and shut out of talking things out because of being 'irrational' and 'unreasonable' simply because I disagreed with these judgments and misunderstandings. I was tired of taking on all the negative ideas about me and taking it all out on myself. I realised how terrible and unhealthy this all was for both of us, and I wanted out.

I'm pretty proud of getting to that realisation instead of giving in and taking all the blame onto myself one more time, as I could have. Yes, I wish I had understood it all better much earlier. Looking back now, if it was a situation I found myself in again (dear god, I hope not), I would take the first sign of pulling away as needing space and be like... ok, let's try this again in a bit once things are settled down. But hey, hindsight is always fantastic. I'm not proud of a lot of my actions, but I can only keep moving forward, keep learning, and keep trying to do better.

Mental Illness and Stuff

This is something I have not-so-subtly been beating around the bush with recently, but it is something I need to say. I am tired of hiding and being ashamed for something that isn't my fault, and if the stigma is going to be challenged, it needs to happen from people like me.

It's a poorly kept secret that I suffer from depression and anxiety, mostly social anxiety but I get plenty of the general kind, too. Many people experience these things, both temporarily and permanently. I am not a special snowflake and I know I'm not alone. Like many psychological issues, these things live on a spectrum, and it just so happens mine lives on the more severe side. I say that cause it's not a rough patch (although right now I am definitely IN a rough patch), but it is my daily struggle and I've accepted that it always will be.

Like anyone with a long term illness, it has affected my ability to function my entire adult life. I've spent a lot of the last 12 years figuring out how to do just that. I've spent that same time struggling with self-harm. You may or may not have noticed the old scars on my arms. If you see me in person sometime soon, you might see the new ones. I'm still struggling with my illness in all its shapes and forms.

But I've spent the last 6 years or so getting a lot of awesome support and treatment from health professionals. I've gotten a lot of support from my husband, and from my family family, my Norwood family, and all my friends, and sometimes in unlikely places. The last few years I've even made some pretty big steps to being functional! Like working and whatnot. Also using public transport. Man, that was scary. I've failed pretty hard, too, over the years. I'm failing very badly at the moment, but I'm still here, and that's the important bit. Right now, I am facing each day or hour or minute one at a time, because that's what I have to do right now to survive. My mental illness is trying very hard to win right now, but I'm also trying very hard not to let it.

So, that's me. I've alienated a lot of people as I've been learning to deal with this, and I might be alienating people now. That is okay. Dealing with illness is scary. Dealing with invisible illness is pretty weird for a lot of people too. I don't expect anything from saying all this. I've never wanted to draw attention to myself or be a burden on others. I don't need pity or sympathy or to be treated differently. I just want everyone to understand: to know me is to know my illness too, because it IS me.

Hi, I'm Lexa. It's nice to finally properly meet you all.