Where I'm At: Could Be Better But I'm Coping

Okay, so Zen Mode hasn't quite been going as planned, for various reasons. Still feeling so conflicted about everything, and my brain just stubbornly REFUSES to let everything go. I do not cope well with things completely out of my control. This is a common factor in a lot of mental illness... because so much IS out of our control by default (especially our thoughts). So, it's nice to feel like we can control and fix as much else as possible. With anxiety in particular, our minds dredge stuff up and constantly worry over things until a solution or resolution can be found. When that's not possible, then you get to continuously process it for, basically, ever. It's really exhausting.

This is why my process of dealing with problems or conflict is to talk things out until we reach an understanding both parties are okay with. Obviously, having space and time to let emotions cool can be super important, whether I want to have that or not. But I am definitely a talk things out sort of person. Probably I overdo it a bit sometimes, but admittedly that's because I will do whatever I can to get my brain to the point of it shutting the heck up. Often if things end up resolved in some way, I can talk myself out of the worst of any lingering anxieties or stray thoughts.

On the other hand, if you shut me down and refuse to have any sort of discussion so that no resolution can be found, then I will just stay in constant anxiety-limbo. This is pretty much where I'm at right now, despite how much I've rationalised and processed everything and logically I understand the whats and whys. It's still a big something I cannot address directly or be able to fix, because the other party has cut me out of his life as completely as possible. That is beyond my control entirely. Nothing I say or do will change his mind, and I know that. But my brain refuses to cope with 'out of sight, out of mind'. More like 'out of sight, HAHA THINK ABOUT THIS EVERY SECOND OF EVERYDAY, SUCKER.'

Anxiety is pretty much an asshole.

Obviously, there was the super hostile email that triggered a lot of emotions I had finally started putting behind me, making everything fresh all over again. I basically have been back at square one, no matter how much I am beyond caring if a resolution ever occurs. But the worst bit is that the other party thinks they can communicate with me about a bunch of things regarding our situation but refuse to entertain any sort of response from me. They ended the email with, "Don't reply, I won't read it." Um. Sorry, but that's not how this stuff works. You can't dictate terms to me and expect me to simply comply. And when I send a short, reasonable message ages later just to work out one thing that was niggling at me, ignoring it to the point of not even saying yes or no so we're on the same page is really just starting to be an asshole for the sake of it. Especially when you know social space is a huge anxiety trigger, so I was doing it for selfish reasons, but ones that let my brain keep me from being terrified of attending things my friends have invited me too (y'know, the ones that DO want to still see me).

Yeah, it triggered some poor reactions from me again, because it was so hurtful and infuriating. I regret continuing to allow strong emotions to dictate my reactions to things, but part of the point of it being a reaction is that I'm not entirely in control of my behaviour at that moment. I want to be more mindful of how I choose to act in future, but that will take time and practice. Until then, I'm only an imperfect human, and it doesn't matter if I react badly sometimes... it doesn't give anyone the right to treat me so badly. And, honestly, this is a thing I've kind of needed to learn, so I guess that is me looking on the positive side somewhat.

But a friend made a really relevant comment when we had a chat about everything the other day. He is trying to control me and my behaviour because he isn't dealing with it well, or at all, really. But that is something HE needs to learn... that you can't control others beyond a reasonable extent. And that is especially true in public spaces, on the internet or in person. I got another response tonight in regards to some interactions in public internet space. It was almost an actually civil request. He said please and everything. But public space is just that, public. It belongs to everyone. If you don't like the behaviour, ignore it. Nothing I have done or said was remotely unreasonable. I wasn't trying to pick a fight, but if he takes it that way, I can't help it. Just like I can't control what he thinks or assumes about me, I can't control his reactions to things I do, nor will I censor myself for someone else's comfort when it's unreasonable to do so. (Reasonable requests are another thing entirely... or if I were going out of my way to make someone else uncomfortable, but reading shit into a public discussion is on you, buddy.) I am interacting in a civil way in a public space. *shrug*

(Actually, I also linked something I thought he'd also really enjoy... but realised later it could be taken passive aggressively? But I can't control if that's what he thinks my intention was, either. Fortunately, my anxiety brain has pretty much let that go.)

Honestly, I just expected him to ignore the thing entirely. I didn't expect him to contact me yet again. And despite my strong impulse to respond in kind, I realised it was pointless. I'm still annoyed he feels it's okay to continue to attempt to dictate my behaviour, no matter how politely he phrased it. But it's not worth the time or energy of even the most minimal response. I will be as civil as possible in shared spaces, but I know it's beyond my ability to change anything now (nor do I particularly want to... it hurts and I'm angry and I'd rather things were NOT this way, but I really want everything about the entire situation to just Go Away).

So yeah, proud of the fact that I curbed my impulses in this situation, because it just wasn't going to be helpful. But it triggered some pretty bad anxiety tonight. It's taken me ages to calm back down, and the most helpful distraction was being scared out of my wits by a cockroach on my bed in my lap as I wrote this (waaaaaaaaaah T.T). I set up a Gmail filter so I won't be tempted to click on any more shitty emails should he be tempted to criticise my public behaviour once again (doubtful but I really don't want to get triggered anymore... do not NEED).

I realise that he thinks that I am 'the problem' and that by trying to pretend I don't exist that it solves 'the problem', and it is entirely out of my control to change his mind. And even if he did happen to think differently, he probably also doesn't trust that I will respect his boundaries (for some good and some bullshit reasons), so that is a trust that is broken and won't be fixed without me just leaving him alone. Which I am trying to do. Outside of public areas we coexist, anyway. And that doesn't take into account that I don't trust him to respect any of my boundaries either, but that's pretty irrelevant anyway.

Ok, I'm actually more zen about the whole thing in general if I can talk myself through things, but I still find myself hurting and missing whatever things were good between us before this mess, and missing him, because I know he's not an inherently bad person even if he's dealing with this situation in a very hurtful and selfish manner. It is still much related to my blog post from ages ago about my brain dragging me into emotional places that are extremely unhealthy for me and doing it subconsciously most of the time. It's put me in a pretty bad depression hole over the past couple weeks. Zero motivation or ability to function almost. Combined with some pretty epic pain from my undiagnosed chronic something, and I have pretty much been an isolated blob in my apartment for a while now. I also decided I couldn't give my uni studies the focus I need to for now, so I'm withdrawing and trying again next semester when hopefully everything has settled. It sucks and I'm frustrated to push it back once again, but my health will always be my first priority.

Anyway, I realise this isolation is not helpful for me in any way, SO I'm gonna start kicking my own ass and doing little things to get myself back into a healthier mindset. For instance, I have quite a bit of opportunities for social time this long weekend, and I intend to take advantage of that. It will do me a lot of good to keep pushing myself beyond the comforts of my social anxiety and take advantage of things people have invited me to attend (or want to attend with me). I don't have to stay ages if it's stressful or overwhelming, but the effort of it is still pretty worthwhile. I may even run into the source of all this drama and stress, but in public, social space I will either ignore him or be as civil as possible. Last thing I need is to drag people I care about into our pretty terrible mess, and I know he doesn't want that, either. Once we start coexisting comfortably, it'll probably be best for both of us in the long run.

Though, I do hope to get to the point where my brain just shuts up and lets everything go. I'm trying to keep distracted or even practise some of the mindfulness breathing my psychologist taught me last time I saw her... but that's not a solution or a fix. It just helps me cope. And I'm certain my friends are tired of hearing about all of this (I am tired of talking and thinking about it!). My housemate has actually banned the subject, which I totally respect so much. I don't want anyone else dragged down because of this, and I need to take the crazier parts of my illness to a professional. And I will. I have an appointment with the mental health nurse I met when I had my overnight ER stay a little while back, since I can't see my regular psychologist as often as I'd like. (Also, housemate is lovely and able to be really upfront and honest about this stuff, so it's easy to respect her boundaries... lessons a certain someone needs to learn. >.> Ok, that was definitely snarky. But this is my space to rant, dammit.)

So yeah, this has been a pretty shitty period in coping with my illness, but I'm used to having periods like this. Sometimes it sneaks up on you and becomes disabling once again. But that doesn't mean I've failed at life, just that I had yet another setback. As always, you pick up the pieces and start over again, step by step. It's a constant fight, but a worthwhile one.

P.S. - Despite falling back into a pretty terrible headspace, I'm staying clean on the self-harm front and feeling pretty fucking badass. 33 days and counting. <3

Understanding Where Things Went Wrong (Part 2)

Things I should note about the last post:

I don't blame my husband, nor do I hate him in any way. I don't think it was intentional at all, regardless of how it affected me. He's still a dear friend to me, and I hope always will be.

Also, I think it's important to understand the definition of dependence, which I overlooked. It is about feeling that you cannot function without someone helping you with everything. It is about thinking you are inadequate at coping with an overwhelming world and feel that you require a supportive relationship in your life to survive. They ignore and deny all their own needs and wants in order to maintain the relationship they depend on, and are unquestioningly loyal and supportive at the expense of their own individuality.

Yeah, I don't feel any of that is remotely true for me. If I thought I was unable to function on my own, I would never have moved out in the first place. The entire point of getting out of my situation was because I was desperate to learn to be independent and didn't want to go back to a situation where I required someone to take care of me. Yeah, stuff is really hard, and I'm definitely not healthy yet, so I do need some help and support. But I don't need anyone in my life. Eventually, I will get there.

So yeah, unhealthy attachment. That is a whole other thing entirely, and something I will admit to. But the whole situation was pretty complicated and got out of control pretty quickly. Probably why I've spent so much time braindumping and processing and trying to understand everything.

I think it came from finding someone I felt I could trust in a lot of ways I really haven't in years, especially since moving to Australia. There was a closeness there I had been craving for a very long time. I have good friends, and many who care about me a lot, and I feel the same. And I even have a couple really quite close friend/relationships, but they don't live in Sydney. So there's still a certain level of very close friend I haven't had. Like someone I could ring up and be like.. hey, I feel like some company, want to hang out? That sort of comfort level. Admittedly, I've been super anti-social for many mental illness reasons since I moved here, and I am not the sort to trust very easily at all, though I've desired to have more intimacy in my life. So I've felt quite lonely, intensified by the isolation and my illness and being trapped in an unhealthy relationship.

So yeah, having finally found that, my brain went YES, this is awesome. Must hang onto at all costs!! Which I suppose is warning sign number one, but all went well for a while anyway, so hard to say I could have figured it out by that point. Then it was yanked away from me, quite suddenly and in a particularly triggering way for me, which started a whole long downward spiral of badness.

The best place to start is to mention the fact that my self-harm addiction reared its ugly head in a pretty significant way while my marriage fell apart last year. And I've still been struggling with it even after moving out. Normally, I don't reach out for help after self-harming to anyone at all, and also, it usually isn't severe enough for medical attention. However, because well-meaning friends were taking away most of the sharp things around me they could find, I resorted to pulling blades out of my shaving razors. They were very sharp, much more than I was used to, and so I ended up with deep cuts a few times on accident. And so, I freaked out and then called the one person I really trusted.

This led to concerns about associating my self-harm tendencies with someone rushing to help me out, and the associated concerns of dependency and, eventually, that I am unable to self-regulate when and how much I truly need someone for support. Needless to say, I disagree with all of that, and I've explained why at least in regards to the dependency. But that's beside the point. The way I found out about all of these concerns was after an extremely bad and stressful day. I ended up with a really bad wound that didn't stop bleeding. I freaked out and reached out for help... but he was with some other good friends, and without telling me why, he sent them in and refused to come in and see me. Unbeknownst to him, non-communication is a massive and traumatic trigger for me, and I freaked out really badly. It's related to stuff that happened over a decade ago, and it hadn't come up for me in a very long time. Still, I was really hurt and I felt that he betrayed my trust. It's hard enough for me to call someone I've put trust in for help. To be avoided by that person without explanation was pretty beyond what my brain was able to cope with. And that started the unhealthy cycle that ensued, because I ended up far past my threshold of thinking clearly, and I stayed there.

A good diagram of an unhealthy attachment cycle

Most of the details beyond that are unimportant and unnecessary. After the triggering incident, I was very, very clear about why that's a big problem for me and that all I need is upfront, honest communication about what's going on and why. But despite that, my friend kept pulling away from me, since he felt he needed to for his own health, and he was really terrible at ever communicating to me about it. Generally, things that needed to be boundaries would come out after a conflict, and after I was blamed for things going wrong. So yeah, this whole cycle kept my brain in high anxiety overdrive, second-guessing and freaking out at how different his words of reassurance were from his actions of pulling away more and more. So, I kept clinging more and more tightly, terrified and panicked about losing this super important friendship that I had finally found after so long. Rationally, I know that is a terrible idea and never ends well, but I wasn't coping with things at all. I haven't found myself in a situation like this in a very, very long time, so I was a bit lost and flailing about trying to keep the friendship intact, and feeling like I was never able to do anything right to do so.

This also led me into a really terrible space in my mind, full of blame and guilt and self-destructive behaviours. The judgments of my behaviours and motivations made me react defensively, because I knew they weren't true. But because I was panicked about saving the friendship, I would take on these ideas and, since I did honestly make mistakes, believe these terrible things about me to be true. So, I'd backtrack and give in and do whatever I thought would help things go back to status quo. But after every conflict, he'd pull further away instinctively, though without any true explanation of his needs. So I'd get hurt or angry because he was acting different to how I thought things were, react extremely poorly, and everything would start all over again.

Finally, enough was enough, for both of us. I was tired of feeling constantly one step behind because of the lack of communication and how quickly things had changed in the space of a couple months. I was tired of feeling blamed, judged and completely misunderstood, as if my feelings or perception of things was completely invalid or even important. I was tired of being shut down and shut out of talking things out because of being 'irrational' and 'unreasonable' simply because I disagreed with these judgments and misunderstandings. I was tired of taking on all the negative ideas about me and taking it all out on myself. I realised how terrible and unhealthy this all was for both of us, and I wanted out.

I'm pretty proud of getting to that realisation instead of giving in and taking all the blame onto myself one more time, as I could have. Yes, I wish I had understood it all better much earlier. Looking back now, if it was a situation I found myself in again (dear god, I hope not), I would take the first sign of pulling away as needing space and be like... ok, let's try this again in a bit once things are settled down. But hey, hindsight is always fantastic. I'm not proud of a lot of my actions, but I can only keep moving forward, keep learning, and keep trying to do better.

Understanding Where Things Went Wrong (Part 1)

An update to my last post, the reminders above my monitor are helping quite a lot. Every time I feel myself dragged back into the negative thoughtspace, I read them, take a deep breath, and I will feel calmer afterwards. If reminders for now are necessary, then they are necessary. Whatever it takes to keep the demons at bay.

I've been thinking a lot about recent events, processing, understanding, clarifying in my mind everything that happened, good and bad. One big source of conflict was that I was becoming 'dependent'. I felt hurt. I felt judged, and, more importantly, judged wrongly. Though I certainly didn't express myself well at the time why this was such a problem for me, and so I was also judged to be in denial about everything. I've still only just been organizing my thoughts about the whole issue, and even doing research to better explain why this was never remotely a threat, in my mind.

So, yes, I did just break away from a marriage that was codependent, and so worries about me sliding back into dependency in some way are not unwarranted. Codependent is the term my psychologist has used to describe my relationship with my husband. Codependent brings up thoughts of interdependency, where both sides are completely reliant on the other in some way. And that's kind of a true way of thinking about it, but it's also not. It's more true to say that one person's actions create a codependent situation. It's about a cycle of feeling needed.

In my case, I did spend time at the beginning of the marriage completely dependent, because my mental illness was so severe at that point that I was completely non-functional. But I started treatment and over the years, I've been making a lot of progress increasing my functionality and towards my own independence. I got to the point where I held down a steady job! A very challenging job, but challenging in many ways which were fantastic for my mental health. I worked full time, or nearly, most of the time I held the job. It was almost like being a real person again. At this same time, my husband quit his job because he was so miserable and went into a period of pretty terrible depression and a long unemployment. His behaviour and actions began to affect me negatively and drag me down. It slowly became harder and harder to continue functioning as I had been. It got to the point where my own mental health deteriorated back to a severe level and I even self-harmed some... an addiction I had broken for years at that point. At the same time, my physical health deteriorated, and I wasn't able to continue working, either. So, I quit my job, and ended up frustrated, angry at myself, and fell deeply back into my hole of depression and anxiety. The husband managed to secure employment by this point, and things in the relationship went back to 'status quo'.

Cue take two of attempting to work a steady job and function independently. Not all the circumstances were entirely the same, but the end result was. It felt as if every time I began to do well and need my husband's support less and less, his behaviour would worsen and I would slowly fall back into the depths of my mental illness all over again. It was a cycle, a vicious one, and one that my psychologist helped me realise that I needed to escape. I would never achieve the independence I sought so desperately when I was with someone who also desperately needed to feel needed. Add into this his paranoia that I'd leave him and that his life was meaningless without me, and you can see why I have realised it was a form of emotional abuse. I was trapped and desperate, and I knew that if I stayed it would literally kill me. It very nearly did before the actual separation happened, because my mental state had gotten so bad that I fell all the way down back to rock bottom.

I spent most of last year fighting to survive against my mental illness while also fighting to have the courage to extricate myself from a very damaging situation. It was terrifying, especially because I was in no state to cope  much with life, much less hold down a job, and I had no idea if I'd be able to support myself properly or not once on my own. In addition, I'm still experiencing some sort of as-yet undiagnosed chronic pain/illness, and my ability to function is limited greatly physically, as well. Still, I pushed and fought and clawed my way out of dependence, and I am damn determined to be the strong, independent, and functional person I want to be. The very idea that I would let myself slip back into that so easily is abhorrent to me. Yeah, it's been a bumpy road, and yeah, I've had to rely on friends a lot more than I usually would allow myself to... but make no mistake, I got myself here and I already feel so much freer and happier overall than I have in many, many years.

That's not to say I didn't get myself into an unhealthy attachment cycle. I definitely did. And there's a lot of context and other things surrounding how and why that happened. Which I will get to in the second part of this braindump...