Tired of Hiding: I'm Not Okay

I'm tired of hiding. Still. If I'm going to talk about my mental illness, I need to talk about how bad it gets, too. I want to be fighting and strong and better than I was, but right now I'm not. I lie to myself and others often, because sometimes you can make the lies reality and because I'm still terrified for people to see me truly. Considering what a disaster it was to let someone in even just recently, I'm not certain this is a good idea, but if I don't let people see all of me.. what is the point? To live a lie is not really living much at all, even a partial lie at that.

So, the truth is that I'm not okay. My depression is overwhelming these days, and I'm lucky if I eat more than once a day and shower  every few. Last week I didn't make any of the appointments or commitments I had on. I sleep a few hours here and there over the course of a week or two until my body finally gives out and I stay unconscious for a day at a time to recover. All of my time is spent bouncing between various distractions to quell all the terrifying thoughts in my mind that will drag me down if I ever stop long enough to let them grab hold. I've been playing a lot of video games, watching tv, reading stupid things online, or writing. I can't really even tell you where the hours are going, but I manage to keep busy for most of them, which is impressive considering how many of them I'm awake for.

I haven't self-harmed yet (50 days). The distractions help with that, as well, but it's been a very close thing, especially this last week. At one point, I was opening my drawer to grab the tiny blade stashed within and then I noticed a bunch of new eyeshadows I'd put in there. It wasn't a purposeful distraction, but I decided to open them all up and swatch them. Then I started looking up inspiration online for how to use some of the colours, and by the time I realised what I originally intended, I felt better enough that the impulse had passed. I guess sometimes it's good having an exhausted and easily-distractible mind. (Case in point, I accidentally used this tab to have a wander on the internet then got confused later why I couldn't find my blog post.. hm.)

But the lack of motivation and functionality or the impulses to self-destruct are not even the worst part. The worst part is what happens if I'm not distracted, even for a moment. That's when everything I'm trying so desperately to keep at bay comes flooding back. I had a toilet break earlier tonight and when I crawled back into bed afterwards, I was crying. That was a total of five minutes. I am bombarded with thoughts all the time, ones that make me hurt, ones that make me angry, ones that make me try to tear myself down.

Obviously, I'm still coping with the recent devastating friend breakup, which is causing a lot of the strong emotions. To be fair, even though I still feel angry sometimes, I've put that mostly behind me. A lot of it is simply hurt at the unnecessary cruelty I experienced. It is simply something I cannot fathom, that no matter what was done, you could cause so much pain to someone you claimed to once care about. That you could act in ways to 'punish them' or refuse to even be a decent human being.. out of spite? I really have no idea, especially as we have so many of the same friends that we cannot be out of each other's lives completely. So, why continue the uncomfortable antagonism? It just makes everything so STRESSFUL. But then, I don't hate people, and I still don't hate him, as I've said. I will never understand.

And yeah, that's kind of how my brain goes sometimes, round and round in circles about things I can never figure out or reliving the myriad ways he hurt me, pinpointing the exact moment he betrayed me and turned into a terrible person, etc. And if it isn't about recent stressful events that are impossible for me to resolve (therefore I know all this effort and thinking is pointless, but I also have no ability to make it stop), then I'm thinking about how much important life stuff I've been unable to cope with and how overwhelmed I am and how I wish things would magically do themselves or simply go away, or whatever.

So, for now, I either let the thoughts come and let them drag me down ever further into my depression hole, probably ruining what little strength I have left at the moment that is keeping me from hurting myself... or I continue the endless distractions because that is what I need to do to survive. Because if I go down the self-destruction route, there's no guarantee it will end with simple self-harm. Once you give in to that impulse, it's a short leap to wondering why I even bother trying to resist and why am I still struggling to hang onto a life that is so miserable as to be barely worth living, and, especially, no one cares how miserable I'm feeling, so they won't care when I'm gone, either. It's a road I've been down far too many times before. I can already feel those thoughts creeping in when I'm less vigilant. It would be way too easy to let go, and fall all the way down that slippery slope. But I'm still here and I'm still fighting, in my own way. It just means I'm not able to do much else right now.

And that's mental illness. Sometimes it's easier and other times it's like it is now. But that is kind of how it always feels, that I have to keep the scary things out to feel anything remotely like normal on any given day. And some days you can't tell the truth from the lies, because you lie to yourself a lot to keep going, and your brain lies to you to try and make you stop. True and false, good and bad, black and white don't generally exist for me... it's all variable shades of grey of whatever it takes to make it to the next day, and the next one, and the one after that.

Understanding Where Things Went Wrong (Part 2)

Things I should note about the last post:

I don't blame my husband, nor do I hate him in any way. I don't think it was intentional at all, regardless of how it affected me. He's still a dear friend to me, and I hope always will be.

Also, I think it's important to understand the definition of dependence, which I overlooked. It is about feeling that you cannot function without someone helping you with everything. It is about thinking you are inadequate at coping with an overwhelming world and feel that you require a supportive relationship in your life to survive. They ignore and deny all their own needs and wants in order to maintain the relationship they depend on, and are unquestioningly loyal and supportive at the expense of their own individuality.

Yeah, I don't feel any of that is remotely true for me. If I thought I was unable to function on my own, I would never have moved out in the first place. The entire point of getting out of my situation was because I was desperate to learn to be independent and didn't want to go back to a situation where I required someone to take care of me. Yeah, stuff is really hard, and I'm definitely not healthy yet, so I do need some help and support. But I don't need anyone in my life. Eventually, I will get there.

So yeah, unhealthy attachment. That is a whole other thing entirely, and something I will admit to. But the whole situation was pretty complicated and got out of control pretty quickly. Probably why I've spent so much time braindumping and processing and trying to understand everything.

I think it came from finding someone I felt I could trust in a lot of ways I really haven't in years, especially since moving to Australia. There was a closeness there I had been craving for a very long time. I have good friends, and many who care about me a lot, and I feel the same. And I even have a couple really quite close friend/relationships, but they don't live in Sydney. So there's still a certain level of very close friend I haven't had. Like someone I could ring up and be like.. hey, I feel like some company, want to hang out? That sort of comfort level. Admittedly, I've been super anti-social for many mental illness reasons since I moved here, and I am not the sort to trust very easily at all, though I've desired to have more intimacy in my life. So I've felt quite lonely, intensified by the isolation and my illness and being trapped in an unhealthy relationship.

So yeah, having finally found that, my brain went YES, this is awesome. Must hang onto at all costs!! Which I suppose is warning sign number one, but all went well for a while anyway, so hard to say I could have figured it out by that point. Then it was yanked away from me, quite suddenly and in a particularly triggering way for me, which started a whole long downward spiral of badness.

The best place to start is to mention the fact that my self-harm addiction reared its ugly head in a pretty significant way while my marriage fell apart last year. And I've still been struggling with it even after moving out. Normally, I don't reach out for help after self-harming to anyone at all, and also, it usually isn't severe enough for medical attention. However, because well-meaning friends were taking away most of the sharp things around me they could find, I resorted to pulling blades out of my shaving razors. They were very sharp, much more than I was used to, and so I ended up with deep cuts a few times on accident. And so, I freaked out and then called the one person I really trusted.

This led to concerns about associating my self-harm tendencies with someone rushing to help me out, and the associated concerns of dependency and, eventually, that I am unable to self-regulate when and how much I truly need someone for support. Needless to say, I disagree with all of that, and I've explained why at least in regards to the dependency. But that's beside the point. The way I found out about all of these concerns was after an extremely bad and stressful day. I ended up with a really bad wound that didn't stop bleeding. I freaked out and reached out for help... but he was with some other good friends, and without telling me why, he sent them in and refused to come in and see me. Unbeknownst to him, non-communication is a massive and traumatic trigger for me, and I freaked out really badly. It's related to stuff that happened over a decade ago, and it hadn't come up for me in a very long time. Still, I was really hurt and I felt that he betrayed my trust. It's hard enough for me to call someone I've put trust in for help. To be avoided by that person without explanation was pretty beyond what my brain was able to cope with. And that started the unhealthy cycle that ensued, because I ended up far past my threshold of thinking clearly, and I stayed there.

A good diagram of an unhealthy attachment cycle

Most of the details beyond that are unimportant and unnecessary. After the triggering incident, I was very, very clear about why that's a big problem for me and that all I need is upfront, honest communication about what's going on and why. But despite that, my friend kept pulling away from me, since he felt he needed to for his own health, and he was really terrible at ever communicating to me about it. Generally, things that needed to be boundaries would come out after a conflict, and after I was blamed for things going wrong. So yeah, this whole cycle kept my brain in high anxiety overdrive, second-guessing and freaking out at how different his words of reassurance were from his actions of pulling away more and more. So, I kept clinging more and more tightly, terrified and panicked about losing this super important friendship that I had finally found after so long. Rationally, I know that is a terrible idea and never ends well, but I wasn't coping with things at all. I haven't found myself in a situation like this in a very, very long time, so I was a bit lost and flailing about trying to keep the friendship intact, and feeling like I was never able to do anything right to do so.

This also led me into a really terrible space in my mind, full of blame and guilt and self-destructive behaviours. The judgments of my behaviours and motivations made me react defensively, because I knew they weren't true. But because I was panicked about saving the friendship, I would take on these ideas and, since I did honestly make mistakes, believe these terrible things about me to be true. So, I'd backtrack and give in and do whatever I thought would help things go back to status quo. But after every conflict, he'd pull further away instinctively, though without any true explanation of his needs. So I'd get hurt or angry because he was acting different to how I thought things were, react extremely poorly, and everything would start all over again.

Finally, enough was enough, for both of us. I was tired of feeling constantly one step behind because of the lack of communication and how quickly things had changed in the space of a couple months. I was tired of feeling blamed, judged and completely misunderstood, as if my feelings or perception of things was completely invalid or even important. I was tired of being shut down and shut out of talking things out because of being 'irrational' and 'unreasonable' simply because I disagreed with these judgments and misunderstandings. I was tired of taking on all the negative ideas about me and taking it all out on myself. I realised how terrible and unhealthy this all was for both of us, and I wanted out.

I'm pretty proud of getting to that realisation instead of giving in and taking all the blame onto myself one more time, as I could have. Yes, I wish I had understood it all better much earlier. Looking back now, if it was a situation I found myself in again (dear god, I hope not), I would take the first sign of pulling away as needing space and be like... ok, let's try this again in a bit once things are settled down. But hey, hindsight is always fantastic. I'm not proud of a lot of my actions, but I can only keep moving forward, keep learning, and keep trying to do better.

Understanding Where Things Went Wrong (Part 1)

An update to my last post, the reminders above my monitor are helping quite a lot. Every time I feel myself dragged back into the negative thoughtspace, I read them, take a deep breath, and I will feel calmer afterwards. If reminders for now are necessary, then they are necessary. Whatever it takes to keep the demons at bay.

I've been thinking a lot about recent events, processing, understanding, clarifying in my mind everything that happened, good and bad. One big source of conflict was that I was becoming 'dependent'. I felt hurt. I felt judged, and, more importantly, judged wrongly. Though I certainly didn't express myself well at the time why this was such a problem for me, and so I was also judged to be in denial about everything. I've still only just been organizing my thoughts about the whole issue, and even doing research to better explain why this was never remotely a threat, in my mind.

So, yes, I did just break away from a marriage that was codependent, and so worries about me sliding back into dependency in some way are not unwarranted. Codependent is the term my psychologist has used to describe my relationship with my husband. Codependent brings up thoughts of interdependency, where both sides are completely reliant on the other in some way. And that's kind of a true way of thinking about it, but it's also not. It's more true to say that one person's actions create a codependent situation. It's about a cycle of feeling needed.

In my case, I did spend time at the beginning of the marriage completely dependent, because my mental illness was so severe at that point that I was completely non-functional. But I started treatment and over the years, I've been making a lot of progress increasing my functionality and towards my own independence. I got to the point where I held down a steady job! A very challenging job, but challenging in many ways which were fantastic for my mental health. I worked full time, or nearly, most of the time I held the job. It was almost like being a real person again. At this same time, my husband quit his job because he was so miserable and went into a period of pretty terrible depression and a long unemployment. His behaviour and actions began to affect me negatively and drag me down. It slowly became harder and harder to continue functioning as I had been. It got to the point where my own mental health deteriorated back to a severe level and I even self-harmed some... an addiction I had broken for years at that point. At the same time, my physical health deteriorated, and I wasn't able to continue working, either. So, I quit my job, and ended up frustrated, angry at myself, and fell deeply back into my hole of depression and anxiety. The husband managed to secure employment by this point, and things in the relationship went back to 'status quo'.

Cue take two of attempting to work a steady job and function independently. Not all the circumstances were entirely the same, but the end result was. It felt as if every time I began to do well and need my husband's support less and less, his behaviour would worsen and I would slowly fall back into the depths of my mental illness all over again. It was a cycle, a vicious one, and one that my psychologist helped me realise that I needed to escape. I would never achieve the independence I sought so desperately when I was with someone who also desperately needed to feel needed. Add into this his paranoia that I'd leave him and that his life was meaningless without me, and you can see why I have realised it was a form of emotional abuse. I was trapped and desperate, and I knew that if I stayed it would literally kill me. It very nearly did before the actual separation happened, because my mental state had gotten so bad that I fell all the way down back to rock bottom.

I spent most of last year fighting to survive against my mental illness while also fighting to have the courage to extricate myself from a very damaging situation. It was terrifying, especially because I was in no state to cope  much with life, much less hold down a job, and I had no idea if I'd be able to support myself properly or not once on my own. In addition, I'm still experiencing some sort of as-yet undiagnosed chronic pain/illness, and my ability to function is limited greatly physically, as well. Still, I pushed and fought and clawed my way out of dependence, and I am damn determined to be the strong, independent, and functional person I want to be. The very idea that I would let myself slip back into that so easily is abhorrent to me. Yeah, it's been a bumpy road, and yeah, I've had to rely on friends a lot more than I usually would allow myself to... but make no mistake, I got myself here and I already feel so much freer and happier overall than I have in many, many years.

That's not to say I didn't get myself into an unhealthy attachment cycle. I definitely did. And there's a lot of context and other things surrounding how and why that happened. Which I will get to in the second part of this braindump...