Monday, June 2, 2014

Even Winning Will Be Losing

My series of posts about Abusive Mentalities are finished and I'd love it if you could all give it a read. It's pretty eye-opening and surprising, because we all think we know about abuse and how it works... but most of what we know is wrong, and it explains why abusers get away with it for so long, how they trap victims, etc. Pretty fascinating stuff, though triggery as heck if you have been there yourself. It also explains why they rarely change, because they are so completely convinced they are in the right and can justify their actions to themselves. Scary to think about, really. 

So yeah, as for an update, I am worried I will have to be even stricter about friends cause my anxiety levels in regards to my abuser are through the roof. He came up in a completely separate Twitter conversation yesterday and I didn't expect much of anything... surely a man so desperate to not hear from me has me blocked, right? He filed for an AVO, so that tends to indicate you are pretty serious about the No-Contact thing. But I looked out of curiosity, because I'm super clever like that, and once again he's trying to provoke some sort of reaction out of me. This time with some violently angry name-calling. I believe the exact phrase was "crazy, obnoxious, delusional fucktard". Nice. I have no reason to react in even a passive-aggressive way, cause I've said most everything I need to say. Whatever. If he wants to put on a show for sympathy and get stupid on the internet, I don't really care. (Yes, I have been stupid and angry on the internet, but nothing I've said directly or indirectly was that disgusting.) I can only hope people are finally seeing his true colours.

Except this is making me feel super unsafe. I don't know how I'm supposed to coexist even somewhat socially with this person. I don't want to say him or me, but it's getting to the point where I'm not even certain how to be in a space with him without a panic attack. And the thought people who are lovely and probably don't think I'm crazy could accept this sort of treatment of a mutual friend is becoming harder and harder to reconcile.

And it's probably what he wants. If he can't silence me, he can certainly try to intimidate me, isolate me further, take away more people from my life I genuinely like and respect a lot. And he was careful to be just vague enough, but anyone can tell he means me. It came right after the tag. Which I hadn't considered he could see, except I should have cause he mentioned to my housemate about a tag the day he tried to have the AVO served. Hypocrisy abounds. I will continue to speak truth to any who will listen, but I don't think this emotional and psychological mess he's caused will really ever entirely go away. At least, not for a long time. 

Anyway, I've been thinking about the trigger for his behaviour change with me, and I think I have figured it out. Basically, it was as soon as I felt I could trust him and 'asked' for help, probably combined with some of my anger at the first night he stayed away for my own good.. that's when the accusations of dependency and stuff first came out. Probably because instead of letting him 'fix' me in the way he wanted to or thought was best, I tried to direct his help in ways I would find more useful, including setting a necessary boundary and being hurt when his 'help' backfired. He was always trying to control me, but in ways I found easier to swallow under the pretense of providing support. It was always 'do this, do that, these things are good for you and these things are bad, etc.' Not having to think for youself too much just coming out of a marriage and a soul-destroying year seemed pretty okay at the time. Guess he gave me a bit too much confidence and assertiveness for his liking. Also, it's obvious the help he offers is about making himself feel good... and being angry and hurt by him can't have felt good. And that's when the scary cycle of control and manipulation began, and I got confused and apologetic and couldn't figure out why I still felt shit when I tried to accept what he was saying.


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