Wednesday, June 18, 2014

I Wish This Contentment Could Last Forever

It's 1am, I slept for aaaaages (which I so needed after weeks and weeks of severe insomnia), I'm working on some writing, listening to music, and for once, I'm smiling. I feel great for the first time in so long, I think I forgot how nice contentment can be.

Monday in court went even better than expected. It was terrifying and stressful, but I had support there the entire time. I'm so thankful for the calming presence of my friends. I won't go into details, but I was able to receive help from the Domestic Violence Representatives program on the day, and they were amazing. Perfect, really. Basically, I agreed to a thing I wanted to do anyway and my abuser agreed to withdraw the AVO. I wish I knew what the lawyer said to him. I wish this was a solution to all of life's problems, too. So ideal.

IT'S OVER. I'm so thankful and so grateful for everyone who has given support or even just the simplest note of sympathy. Every bit has truly helped. I'm especially thankful for the amazing friends I got to see on Sunday, because it was such the perfect pick me up before dealing with court. Maybe it's a small thing, but even just hearing their outrage and support in person, and how much they understood my actions (despite the anger and intensity)... yeah, it felt really great. I managed to sleep that night, which is the real sign of how much it helped. I expected to be up all night before court dreading it. So much love to you all. <3

So yeah, I feel as if I can finally breathe, as if a huge weight has been lifted from my life. And I survived! I survived a lot of very scary, intense emotions and dealing with some very trying events the first half of this year which came right after last year's stress of the marriage falling apart, etc. AND I've survived it all while making it past three months clean from self-harm. I think, I think I'm allowed to be very proud of myself.

There was a Me at one point in time who would have just run away from it all, who would have stayed silent and accepted that sometimes people just treat you badly, who would have tried to self-destruct instead of attempting to cope, and obviously that Me is still in there, somewhere. I wanted to do all of those things at various points in time. I really wanted everything to simply Go Away so badly. But these days I know that life just doesn't work that way, and sometimes things are really difficult, but it's worth it to hang onto whatever is important to you. In this case, it's been my health, my independence, and this life I've built for me in my home away from home.

I've lost some friends along the way, and I'm sad for that, of course. I didn't want it to happen the way it has, but it's nothing personal and I don't hate anyone. Also I feel that I know who to focus on building stronger friendships with, and that it has been a hard and important lesson. And I hope to find other, new friends too. It's a big city. There's a lot of awesome people I haven't met yet, I'm sure.

Most importantly, it can only go up from here, as far as I'm concerned. I'm going to make a concerted effort to keep fighting this stupid mental illness and figuring out whatever it is that is making me physically ill. I'm going to take a uni course next semester and get that going again. I'm going to keep working on my writing and submitting it for contests or publication. I'm going to spend time focusing on others over all the time I spend inside my own head (I'm pretty sick of it in there). I also hope to get back to volunteering once a week, too. I've fought hard for this life, with the help of a lot of people who love me. Now it's finally time to make it into the one I want to live.

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