The Bottom Line (TRIGGER WARNING for Self Harm)

There's things that have been nagging at me a bit that I think have gotten lost in shuffle and craziness of the past few months, in my anger and frustration, in my need to prove that it was abuse, and everything else.

Most important is this: the way I was treated was abuse, and no one gets to decide that but me.

I can shout until my voice goes hoarse, but it doesn't matter if anyone believes me or not, because no one can understand what I felt and experienced at the hands of the person who harmed me. He may not have laid a hand on me, but his actions were just as dangerous for my health as if he had. This could have been unintentional or subconscious, it could be an isolated incident and not a pattern he's exhibited with others (especially partners), he may not be a malicious, terrible person and something made him behave out of character with me (frex, a need to "protect" himself, such as I discussed in my last blog post) ... ALL these things might be true, but none of them make it okay.

And the scars may have come from my own hand, but they are lasting and real. I have self-harmed off and on for 15 years, and never have I experienced the crazy intensity of visiting the ER multiple times for wounds as I did the beginning of this year. Coincidentally, I was also gaslighted into a devastating spiral of guilt and self-hate. When you fuck around with someone already in a really vulnerable place, it is dangerous.

TRIGGER WARNING: Self harm scars
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The largest scar on my thigh is from the second to last ER visit I had (the last being when my abuser called the cops on me for being suicidal). I had to go in because the wound refused to stop bleeding. I know the photo is a lot.. I get triggered by similar online all the time, so I'm sorry if it is. But to me it's a physical reminder of just how insidious his behaviour was, how real the pain and trauma he caused me was. I wear a lot of scars from the years of self-harm, but nothing, nothing like this. This was him inside my head.

And I can hear the excuses coming from his side, that it is some sort of 'proof' that I was using the harm to gain his attention or get him to spend time with me. Not only is it a disgusting stereotype that those who harm do it for attention, but no one who harms both seriously and longterm does it for anyone but themselves. It's hard to discuss all the thoughts and emotions that go into taking everything out on yourself, and violently so, but it is pretty fucking selfish to make a terrible and destructive act about YOU and not the person actually in pain. (I don't know if my abuser's said anything to this effect at all, to be fair, but it makes sense after how many times he accused me of being too 'dependent' and unable to 'self-regulate' and being 'emotionally manipulative', as well as his fear of 'attaching his presence to things'.)

And that's the key, really, that in times of conflict, disagreement, or distress.. it was ALL about him. Everything was always about how I was affecting him, and nothing was about how I was feeling, how he put himself in this position of support/carer, how he affected me. I was the problem. I was manipulating him. I was too much. It was okay to hurt me because he had to. I had to adhere to his boundaries and restrictions, but he had to continue doing the one thing without warning that I asked him to give me warning for. The control he exerted over me was for my own good. He'd given so much already, so expecting anything (especially consideration of my feelings) was unreasonable. No one else was good enough to help me, but I wasn't good enough to be worthy of his help, either. He reassured me and lied to my face over and over, empty promises, and then caused pain all over again.

It was dehumanising, invalidating, painful, frustrating, and I was always on edge, always anxious. I am still overly anxious, unable to sleep, terrified that I will run into him somewhere, always a bit paranoid that it is not actually over. I don't care who, what, where, when or WHY, but he controlled and manipulated me using his position of power over me (a self-appointed position of support), and it harmed me. That is abuse.